i feel disgusting

𝕊𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 😞𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎𝕋𝕎 ℙ𝕃𝔼𝔸𝕊𝔼 𝔻𝕆ℕ'𝕋 ℝ𝔼𝔸𝔻 𝕀𝔽 𝔼𝔸𝕊𝕀𝕃𝕐 𝔻𝕀𝕊𝕋𝕌ℝ𝔹𝔼𝔻 𝔹𝕐 𝕋ℍ𝔼𝕄𝔼𝕊 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝕂𝕀𝔻𝕊 hi everyone, I am really struggling with something disturbing and I'm so afraid I'm a PDF. So my sis came to visit with my nephew for the first time. So the other day we were taking pics with the baby I was already feeling kinda nervous cuz I never held a baby before. Anyway it was my turn and I like I wonder if this would sexually stimulate him( not exactly the thought but the of thought was more graphic and I don't wanna disturb anyone). And I can't remember if I thought that while I was bumping him on my stomach (like how people bump babies on their hips) or before I started doing so. Anyways I can't really remember what my reaction to that thought was or if I started bumping him before or after I had that thought... So I tried not to think much of it but over time I started to spiral really bad and wonder why I thought that and why then I would bump him on my stomach after having that thought or during. I just feel so disgusted. Like was I curious about it? Did I disregard the thought because my brain thinks disturbing things? Ik right now away from that situation that ofc I have no sexual interest in my nephew at all. I played with him and helped changed diaper and everything and never had the urge to do anything inappropriate to him besides that one weird instance. So like I'm so disturbed like did that mean something? I have P OCD but that didn't really feel like an intrusive thought? I also can be very impulsive, and if it was impulsive does that mean I had a desire? Now I'm terrified of having kids even though I wanted some or to foster some. I mean I know but myself I'm not sexually attracted to kids but then why would I think that I am so disturbed really and feel so sick. 😞😞😞😞 I don't know what to do I'm so scared about what my motivation was I feel so bad and scared😞😞😞😞

I keep wondering if I’m attracted to this kid I saw a week ago or not, it keeps happening, I can’t figure it out, what I hope is false attraction is feeling too real, I don’t wan to like the kid, I never wish to like kids, I genuinely feel like I’m just in doubt, I can’t figure it out, it feels weird, I don’t feel any guilt, shame, disgust, or panic, idk why but ik that I’m supposed to feel that, it makes me feel like I’m a real p. I barley get any negative emotion from those thoughts anymore, even when these thoughts started I didn’t feel shame or guilt, but I think I did feel worry and panic, I’m not sure anymore, I don’t remember.

I was playing with my brother and I thought he was so cute because he’s little and at the same time it felt like I wanted to touch him inappropriately It’s weird because sometimes I get disgusted by the thought and then sometimes I feel like I would actually that