- Date posted
- 3y
How do I know that I have HOCD for Real ? (Long texte)
I'm willing to share with you my story if anyone can help you would litteraly save my life. So I'm a 23 year old boy. My OCD started 3 years ago. I was in a relationship with a girl and one night i could'nt "get hard". That's where everything begon. I started asking myself why this happened to me. And the idea of being gay popped into my mind. Since that day 3 years ago it never leaves me. I had periods where it would be easier and i would think about it way less. But still i can't get rid of it. I'm in a relationship with my current girlfriend and the thoughts don't allow me to enjoy my relationship as much as I want to. I have to add that since I can remember i've always been attracted to girls. I had 2 relationships for more than a year and everything was great in every aspect of thé relation (libido,feelings,etc). I have never liked a Man at least that's what I though but my "OCD" (if that's what is happening to me) makes me doubt about it and rethink every frienship i ever had. I've been diagnosted with HOCD but again i always doubt this diagnosis. At the begginning the anxiety was so high that I had panic attacks, I couldn't focus on my exams anymore. ( I'm in my last year of Med School how ironic) Let me explain to you what the thoughts are : - First and the most annoying for me is during sex I have many images that popped up in my mind. And I try to chase them and focus on the act that I'm having but it makes it less enjoyable and stressfull. As a result my libido has never been so low. (Which reinforce the tought of being gay : "If my libido is that low is because i'm gay") - Second is everytime that i see an objectivly attractive man, i start to panic and check my reactions or juste avoid the contact. And the fact that i can acknowledge that so man are good looking that freaks me out and juste reinforce the fear. - In my realionship I can't be the way i want to be because the thoughts makes me doubt my feelings for my girlfriend. - When I go bed, it's like a ritual : I ask myself :"Am I Gay" and for 10 to 15min i just analyse every aspect of my life in the past or in the present to find clues of my sexual orientation. And the thing IS that i have millions of example that's says that I'm straight but i would focus on the small ones that i don't even know if they are true because i can't really remember. - An other thing that freaks me out and make me think I don't have HOCD is that this is my first OCD and when i see other testimony they all have had multiple ones. - I had many compulsions i would spend days on the internet looking for stories of gay poeple or HOCD poeple. I once or twice watched a gay porn but the anxiety was to much to handel - I avoid all the things that can trigger my OCD. And the thing that I triggers it the most is "ELITE" the show on Netflix, it makes me so anxious. I want to add that i really don't want to be with a man, but again my OCD makes me doubt it. I have had multiple crush on girls before and after the diagnosis but still i can't get rid of the thoughts. I just want to feel like i felt before. Don't spend half of my day on rumination. I wouldn't care if i was Bisexual or something but I just want to be happy and stop the overthinking and the constant doubt. I don't know if anyone can help me please I beg you 3 years like this is enough i can't take it anymore Thank you for your lecture and in advance for your advices