I don’t even feel like me anymore. I don’t know who I am or what my purpose is. I’m questioning why I’m even bothering doing my PhD when I’ve lost all passion for my discipline, why anyone even likes me, how do my family and boyfriend see me? I feel so strange and disconnected from everything and just sad all the time. I’ve spent the majority of the weekend crying because I truly believe I need to set my boyfriend free because he deserves someone who doesn’t question whether she loved him every waking moment of her life. I’m not even sure if I’m in the ROCD cycle anymore because I don’t often feel anxious from it now. It’s more like I’m constantly ruminating on a past theme because I still don’t know the answers. I know I love my boyfriend when I’m either really happy or really sad. I can’t see a way out of this. There isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t feel this depressed the last time I went through ROCD with a different guy, I was sad ending the relationship but it felt like a huge relief. This time around I’m just so broken at even the thought of breaking up. But I don’t know how to live like this anymore

Work*

@dieinaholeocdurabutt I just said sometimes my brain tells us to break up, I haven’t gone into the exact thoughts because I don’t want to hurt him. I really want things to work out it’s just horrible hurting all of the time. I can’t imagine not having him in my life now

@EM77 I didn’t mean to break up with him, but to spend more time to yourself. I understand that feeling it’s so frustrating when youre happy with someone, yet your OCD destroys every inch of your enjoyment with them. :( try and remember intrusive thoughts are not rational thoughts. It is confusing to differentiate true feelings versus OCD feelings. If the thought of you not loving him distresses you, causes compulsions, or overall gives you anxiety, it’s most likely irrational thoughts feeling real.

@dieinaholeocdurabutt Sorry I meant I just said to him that my brain makes out that we have to break up, that’s my bad for being unclear! He’s going away next on holiday soon for a bit so that’ll give me some downtime to myself. When we have time apart for whatever reason I really miss him, e.g. I had covid the other month and by day four it was horrible not seeing him! OCD has definitely destroyed a lot of our time together, it’s awful. It’s so confusing! The thought of breaking up distresses me in the sense it makes me really sad and cry a hell of a lot. The thought of not loving him causes me to ruminate all day and I search a lot for evidence for/against. When this first started 6 months ago I was so anxious I didn’t want to eat and I couldn’t face going to work but now I feel less anxious and just overthink all day. Sometimes I still feel anxious but it’s not as often now, like I’ve gotten used to the thoughts which makes it more real and distressing in other ways