Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Help me without reassurance I guess; feel lost

At the end of February I started having very bad self harm ocd. I don’t want to die. I have a great life. Anyways I gave my firearms to a friend and then the self harm ocd went away. Since then it’s been constant harm ocd and ruminations. Basically full anxiety all day every day. It’s unbearable at work. Im scared and getting discouraged and depressed. I hate these thoughts and they truly scare me. Part of me thinks that going to inpatient mental health for a few days would help but the other part tells me it’s just a reassurance seeking thing. The worst part about the thoughts is it makes you think “oh I must want to do this because this thought didn’t cause anxiety” or you should, have to, urges. Things like that. I have my second appt with my therapist on here tomorrow and all I want to do is go to sleep. Life is a wreck right now and I don’t know where else to go. And the self harm ocd Kicks in and it’s like well just have to do it if you aren’t gonna get better which introduces more anxiety. Thanks for listening.

ellwitt

Date posted: 3y

I fight something very similar. You are not alone.

Jesse Miller

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

I’ve been here! I thought about inpatient care when I first started treatment. My harm thoughts were very strong when I started OCD recovery. I’m an advocate now and harm thoughts still come up. You are starting your journey, so you won’t have relief immediately. And it for sure is tricky when your OCD tries to trick you that you have no anxiety, but don’t let it fool you! The beginning of treatment is hard because it’s when OCD wants to be most sticky and convince you that you don’t need treatment. Stick with it and fight that urge to listen. Ruminations and reassurance need to be kicked to the curb. They will not solve your harm thoughts!

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

For sure thank you so much . I’ve had many other obsessions and the thing that makes me more confident is knowing that I now still get those thoughts but they are quickly disregarded and bring up minimal anxiety lasting less than a minute! So that makes me feel better. I also think boredom causes my anxiety to spike. I’m really working hard on withdrawing from the thoughts or at least labeling them as OCD. Sometimes it tries to make me think oh you have psychosis or you have schizophrenia. Like I mentioned my previous OCD was over bed bugs and some other things. But now those things no longer bother me. Everyone has intrusive thoughts, I just have to get over this hump!

Jesse Miller

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Codbla94 Exactly, it is like every other obsession. It doesn’t have more significance than the others and that’s what you need to remind yourself. Lean into your fear and don’t rely on ruminations to solve the anxiety. You can’t solve your way around OCD.

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Jesse Miller Accidentally responded below

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Jesse Miller Hey quick question. So I tried doing a mental exposure. All day long I’ve basically been able to just throw my intrusive thoughts out the window without even thinking about it. Now earlier I started getting them and I started to go up the anxiety . So I started to lean into it and agree with the thoughts. It got so scary I was panicking and questioning myself and thinking omg I must actually want to do this and Jesus I was halfway believing my ocd for a second. Obviously my anxiety was extremely high and I stopped what I was doing got up and left the room and I went and shared what happened with my wife. She said that I did an exposure and I let myself come down naturally. Which I think I did? I think I did correctly but even better would have been if I just sat their and let myself been anxious and not done anything. I definitely think I reached my peak anxiety and at the end I realized none of those thoughts mattered. Like none of them caused any harm. None of them causes me to do anything. I didn’t convince myself I wanted to do any acts of harm even though I was second guessing myself . So I’m not sure what your thoughts are on this. Thank you

Jesse Miller

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Yes exactly!

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Ok perfect. That sounds a lot better than agreeing and saying “yes I totally want to do that” I hope you understand my confusion

Jesse Miller

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Codbla94 Totally understand! Shrug it off answers “eh maybe”

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

How do I differentiate between leaning into something or labeling it as a thought. Such as someone crying “oh my that would be me if I did something terrible”

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Jesse Miller Sounds great. Thank you. It really makes sense. Easier said than done because when you do that OCD is like “no we have to know for sure you must be crazy” hence the spiral. I’m assuming that’s when you label it as intrusive. As in “meh maybe, that’s just a thought”

Jesse Miller

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Codbla94 All thoughts are thoughts. We don’t need to label them or catch them everytime. We have 52,000+ thoughts a day. Maybe they’re intrusive, maybe they’re not 🤷🏼‍♀️

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Jesse Miller So just ignore it I assume. Let the anxiety be there?

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Jesse Miller Also I will say that somedays are better than others and some anxiety is worse. But truth be told overall it seems to be getting better everyday as I put these tools to use and work at it. Even though it doesn’t seem like it all the time. Like today I spent a few hours ruminating and then debating if I need to go admit myself to a hospital. Instead of it lasting all day I’ve been able to manage.

the_ocd_girlie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

I hear you and you are not alone.

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Just hoping it gets better

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Can you elaborate on leaning into your fear? Kind of scary with harm OCD which comes in many vicious forms. Whether it’s saying “do it” or “you have to” or “why aren’t you anxious you must like this you are fantasizing about it” non sense like that

Jesse Miller

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

When I say lean into your fear - I mean when you start to get anxious, don’t run from it! Harm OCD can feel super scary and startling, but don’t try to find an escape from it. It’s definitely a challenge at first. You think “oh I get anxiety because that’s good, so I know I won’t do anything”. But lean into the idea that maybe you are psychotic if you’re ok with those thoughts, or maybe you are schizophrenic or suicidal. Maybe you are, but you aren’t. But we can’t give it certainty. We have to live with the thought that maybe we are a little crazy. Let go of the fear that it’s holding onto you and give acceptance.

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Jesse Miller That sounds very difficult to do and gives me the fear that I will do it! Hope that makes sense

Jesse Miller

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Codbla94 Yes it’ll give you fear that you’ll do it! But challenge that fear and sit with that anxiety. You got this. Prove it wrong.

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Jesse Miller Jeez. I suppose.

Codbla94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

@Jesse Miller So just respond with a “maybe” or “who knows”?

bradyx20

Date posted: 20w

don’t know what’s happening to me

i haven’t been diagnosed with ocd but I have anxiety about harming other people/family members and it’s like urges and im scared I actually want to do it? I don’t think I’ve ever been violent as a kid (im 21 now) and the intrusive thoughts don’t go away so im just stuck all day everyday for the past few weeks just thinking and being scared about it and im having all these weird emotions like being irritated and angry I don’t want to hurt people I don’t think idk why my mind is making me think I do I’ve had intrusive thoughts before that I could brush away sure it took like a day or two but this one is different it doesn’t go away and leaves me with the worst fear imaginable and nothing I look up that should be giving me relief is giving me relief + I feel like im not in control of my body and that im just gonna lose it and act on these thoughts it’s just all on a loop and im not sure how im supposed to live the rest of my life when im in constant fear of my self

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 19w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

SMS719

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18w

Feeling hopeless 💔

My ocd has been at an extreme all time high the past 2 weeks and I am in dire need of some relief. I’m not sleeping right anymore. for context: I live in the south and found a springtail on my sheets about 2 weeks ago. This was like 2 days before our bug guy came and sprayed (it’s a normal maintenance thing here) so it’s a common bug down here and I’ve found them all over different areas of the house before. Finding it in my bed sent me on a bit of a spiral bc I started to doubt if it even was a springtail and that i was wrong and that it was a bed bug, not trusting my brain. It was a bad, sleepless night and carried over continuing feelings. Typical ocd stuff. Well two days later, I’m a nurse and I had a patient that actually had bed bugs. This wasn’t the first day they were here and I did not see any myself but it still freaked me out. There had one 2 founds after visitors came the day before. Of course I wore PPE in the room (coveralls shoe covers and hair net) going in and took everything off before exiting the room. When I came home I stripped in my garage and bagged everything down to my shoes. Threw everything in the wash and did multiple cycles. There were no other steps I could take but I still had a terrible night. Hours of ruminating and going back and forth about tracing my tracks, thinking of new ways I could’ve taken one home with me. Just checking everything. I was already on a spiral from the springtail. Having two such back to back triggering events for me so closely related has made me deteriorate significantly. I was already doing bad with my normal OCD and starting therapy here. I obsess over the thought of having bedbugs constantly and haven’t been able to sleep. I am constantly checking my bed while in it and can’t settle down. My bed is heavy too and I keep hurting myself lifting my mattress to check. But I need to check. I’ve become obsessed. I check everything and go down Reddit rabbit holes looking for new things. And of course, I talk myself into it every time. I can’t take it anymore, it’s bleeding off into other parts of my life like friendship and marriage because I am so high anxiety right now. I need relief so bad. I’ve never felt this unstable to be honest. I feel like even someone without ocd would be really struggling with this topic, nevermind me, with ocd to a point where I just started treatment. These aren’t even my normal intrusive thoughts and compulsive acts. It’s just taken on a life in the last week and I can’t find any sign that it’s going to slow down. when I think rationally I know I did everything right to prevent but I can’t shake it. 💔

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Help me without reassurance I guess; feel lost

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