Hi TTea214,
I’m sorry to hear that your OCD Bully is being especially hard on you right now. I know what you mean, one obsession/rumination turns into another and another and another and deeper down the rabbit hole it goes with doubts about doubts and questions about questions, because OCD is never satisfied until you give it a definitive answer and so it feeds on our doubts to keep growing and take over more and more of our time and our minds…but ERP and therapy can change that and help break the endless ruminating and obsessions that can take over our minds, but it takes time. You can do this though, it just won’t change overnight and you will be able to better dismiss the obsessions and intrusive thoughts without giving into your rumination or other compulsions because the thoughts and obsessions will not cause you the anxiety levels they used to.
Now I know it sounds like a cop out, but try to realize that intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, same with obsessions, we didn’t ask for them, and they do not define us. They only exist in our minds and as easily as they pop in their they can just as easily pop out, if we just let them, which is hard for us to do I know. Everyone gets intrusive thoughts and obsessions, it’s just that those without OCD can more easily ignore them and move about their day, for us they get stuck in there and bounce around all day like a popcorn maker until a different thought gets stuck in there to take over our focus or just adds another layer of rumination to what’s already occurring…but it doesn’t have to be this way…after all, thoughts and obsessions should be harmless on their own if we choose not to act on them, but our OCD Bullies choose to mentally act on them and not let them go, but we can put a stop to that.
The hardest thing to do is to NOT engage with your thoughts and obsessions, instead try to think of them as like a undesirable card you get in a game that you immediately turn into the discard pile when you have the chance and try to pick a better one from the draw pile. Yeah I know it sounds silly, but by not focusing on the thought/obsession and acknowledging it, discarding it and then moving on your OCD will lose some grip on your thoughts, mind and actions. It wants nothing better than to have your anxiety spike and you ruminate endlessly and feed it constantly…so try to starve it by not giving into ruminating if at all possible. Or at least try to avoid giving into rumination as long as possible and then try the next time to hold out longer and longer and longer. You will find that your anxiety will spike less over time with that particular obsession/thought and eventually when it tries to pop up you will more easily be able to just let it pop right back out again.
Bottom line is, you can overcome this and you will get better, you just have to believe in yourself and practice your ERP and therapy. I now things are rough now, but they will get better.
Sorry for such a long response. Take care and stay strong.
