Another flare up. (Themes schiz, existential)

34/f with OCD. Common themes are existential and schizophrenia. I take 150mg of Zoloft and have for 8 years. I have these flare ups around this time of year. Every year. You can track it through my comment history lol. I had a panic attack Friday morning when I drove my cat to get fixed. No reason for it either. Been taking my meds, been walking outdoors an hour a day. The only thing is that were on spring break (I'm a teacher) . Tuesday I did taxes, Wednesday I had my cochlear implant meeting, Thursday our new puppy went to the vet and Friday was Dojas appointment. However, I did have more down time than usual . I was actually admiring the sunrise and started thinking about how it would be weird driving home opposite of the sunrise and for some reason all the sudden I got that sweaty and cold feeling. So I spent the rest of the drive home trying to calm down. Once I got home I just laid in bed but felt better by the afternoon. Yesterday it was more weird/exetensial type thoughts (when we have a memory and we can picture it, where are we actually picturing it?) Which led to me latching onto that and doing the OCD dance of distract, think about it, have anxiety, calm down and distract. I don't understand because I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. It makes me afraid I'm getting worse or something. I drank last night because I wanted some relief from it. But now I'm paying for it this morning. Rolling panic attacks and sick to my stomach. It'll start as something benign, like remembering I left my daughter's shoes in the car, and I can "see" them in the car and then my brain goes "but you're not seeing it like you see something right in front of you. It's seeing in some weird dream type space" and I can't explain it and that causes anxiety because I can't easily explain it and then I get panicky and then distract myself and then it happens again shortly after. I've had thoughts like this before. About time, about an "inner voice" (how do you know it's your inner voice and not schizophrenia hearing voices type thing?) And I know this is the same existential theme, but the cycle and the feelings are terrible and I want it to stop. Im laying here, feet sweating, scrolling to distract myself. I feel like if I eat I'll vomit. I can't tell my husband I'm having this. It freaks him out which makes it worse for me.

"Pure" OCD

[Deleted]

Date posted: 3y

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Cisforcaro

Date posted: 3y

Oh I am so glad to find someone of a similar age on here. How long have you been diagnosed for?

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 3y

@livefornow I was diagnosed at 27, but before that I had GAD at 19 and had anxiety so bad I had DPDR. Still get it when I have anxiety. Mine was health and harm OCD after the birth of my second child, but I can see back in college I had health OCD for sure. I have had a few incidences of existential OCD usually always after panic attacks. My main theme that always comes back is schizophrenia fears. My last relapse was 2 years ago and it was the same theme as well as harm. Right now, my current lapse is being hyperaware of the act of thinking, which honestly, if I was to explore it, falls under health OCD (being afraid of schizophrenia)

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 3y

@livefornow I understand. Right now I feel like I've broken my brain. Overthinking about thinking? I called my psychiatrist because I don't currently have a therapist. The last therapist I had I stopped seeing during Covid. She was good for relationship issues, but not OCD. I'm trying to just make it through the day and take it minute by minute.

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 3y

@livefornow They are not covered by my insurance so I can't use them :(

gwerbacher

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

You’re not alone! I have similar thoughts when I’m in a cycle (currently am right now), but I’m just trying to accept it and tell myself I have a creative mind and good imagination. What has been helping me is figuring out what the core fear is that you attached too - mine is going crazy and harm OCD. I’m learning the fear is more scarier than the thought itself. Just have to accept the uncertainty!

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 3y

Mine is definitely going "crazy" or losing control. I made things worse when I went searching for someone who had my similar experiences because I read others and took on their issues and then I read about maladaptive daydreaming and false memories and stuff and it just messed me up more

gwerbacher

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Yeah - I’m not sure if you’re in therapy or not but we determined in mine that my compulsion is reassurance seeking online. Reddit was my go-to. Without giving you assurance, learn to sit with it and use the “maybe, maybe not that I am going crazy”. It sucks right now - but the fight (or should I say acceptance) gets much much easier.

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 3y

I've gotten through relapses before, I'm just always afraid this time I won't or that I'll be right back to where I was and I had to be taken to a day program at the psychiatric hospital. Everyone in my family was scared and so was I. And I don't want my husband to be upset either. He has his own mental issues to deal with.

Cisforcaro

Date posted: 3y

And yes. I have been going to Reddit and reading and searching for posts like mine. Trying not to do that here.

galina

Date posted: 22w

New here and want to connect

I’m new to treatment and only realized I have OCD a few months ago. I went through a tough and abusive marriage and ended up getting divorced. I had my first panic attack several years ago and ended up needing to go on Lexapro. This helped me significantly and allowed me to leave my partner. Several years later and I decided to stop Lexapro because I thought I was good to go. I’m in a very healthy relationship, have a great job, friends/family, go to the gym and have a wonderful life. It’s been about a year off the meds and I’ve had some panic, but I’ve been able to manage it. For some reason, the last three weeks has been really difficult for me. I have different spirals and different thought processes: what if I’m schizophrenic? What if I have a deeper mental disorder? What if I hurt someone? What if I need to leave my partner? What if I end up becoming so depressed that I end up hurting myself? My brain just goes from one what if to the next and once I conquer one, the next one pops up with even more intensity. I started taking NAC and inositol and I’m taking saffron during the day because I really don’t wanna go on back on medication but sometimes my thoughts scare me and I’m convinced that I’m not gonna get better and I know that’s just the OCD loop, but I’m wondering if this resonates with anyone else!

nae nae

Date posted: 20w

Mini vent (sorta)!

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!

Calistarwood...

Date posted: 19w

Possible OCD “flare up”

Hi!! My names Calista R. Woodbury-Rabon. I recently got married in March of this year. And have been struggling with my severe anxiety disorder since I left my toxic 3 year relationship about a year ago. Over the past several months, I have noticed that I go through phases where: I have a full body “anxiety attack”. Or at least that’s what I call it. For example : when we went to cookout and they told us they were out of the chili for walking tacos. I had a full blown anxiety attack or at least what I thought was an anxiety attack and starting hyperventilating and crying. Therefore, the only solution (in my mind) was that I wouldn’t be able to calm down until I had the walking tacos. Another example : My husband bought me a pajama set that was only recently put out because it was a patriotic item which means that after the summer it’d be gone… I ended up picking up the wrong size. So that night when I went to put on the Pajamas and realized they were too small I started hyperventilating and crying. All because these $17 pajamas did not fit me and it was no fault of my own. Whenever this happens, I usually end up spiraling and crying and saying a lot at once very quickly. And I usually look crazy and don’t make a lot of sense. Usually after the spiraling is over with I’m very exhausted and usually will cry myself to sleep. My husband more often than not will say stuff like “it’s not that big of a deal you can get something else.” << when it has to do with food etc. OR “we can just buy another set of pjamas the next time I get paid.” << in relation to the pajamas in this instance. But honestly no matter what him or anyone else tells me in that moment. All that matters is that I can feel the anxiety in my bones. And I can’t breathe and in that moment my world as I know it has ended. I’ve tried taking online free “quizzes” to find out if I acctually have OCD and they’ve been negative. I also did some research and learned that you can have all the symptoms for a OCD “flare-up” but present no active case of OCD or symptoms. So I guess what I’m trying to find out is if I don’t have “OCD” than Is this out of body experience caused from my “severe anxiety disorder” diagnosis ? Or just anxiety in general?? Thank you for taking the time to read this even if you also aren’t sure!! Means a lot to me..❤️‍🩹

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Another flare up. (Themes schiz, existential)

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