- Date posted
- 3y
Another flare up. (Themes schiz, existential)
34/f with OCD. Common themes are existential and schizophrenia. I take 150mg of Zoloft and have for 8 years. I have these flare ups around this time of year. Every year. You can track it through my comment history lol. I had a panic attack Friday morning when I drove my cat to get fixed. No reason for it either. Been taking my meds, been walking outdoors an hour a day. The only thing is that were on spring break (I'm a teacher) . Tuesday I did taxes, Wednesday I had my cochlear implant meeting, Thursday our new puppy went to the vet and Friday was Dojas appointment. However, I did have more down time than usual . I was actually admiring the sunrise and started thinking about how it would be weird driving home opposite of the sunrise and for some reason all the sudden I got that sweaty and cold feeling. So I spent the rest of the drive home trying to calm down. Once I got home I just laid in bed but felt better by the afternoon. Yesterday it was more weird/exetensial type thoughts (when we have a memory and we can picture it, where are we actually picturing it?) Which led to me latching onto that and doing the OCD dance of distract, think about it, have anxiety, calm down and distract. I don't understand because I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. It makes me afraid I'm getting worse or something. I drank last night because I wanted some relief from it. But now I'm paying for it this morning. Rolling panic attacks and sick to my stomach. It'll start as something benign, like remembering I left my daughter's shoes in the car, and I can "see" them in the car and then my brain goes "but you're not seeing it like you see something right in front of you. It's seeing in some weird dream type space" and I can't explain it and that causes anxiety because I can't easily explain it and then I get panicky and then distract myself and then it happens again shortly after. I've had thoughts like this before. About time, about an "inner voice" (how do you know it's your inner voice and not schizophrenia hearing voices type thing?) And I know this is the same existential theme, but the cycle and the feelings are terrible and I want it to stop. Im laying here, feet sweating, scrolling to distract myself. I feel like if I eat I'll vomit. I can't tell my husband I'm having this. It freaks him out which makes it worse for me.