Just a bit confused

Yeah, I give it little attention, which I assume is the good thing to do, pointless worrying over something that cant be proven, and besides, I don’t believe in the simulation theory. Thank you for the motivation!!

I've been having a terrible time not giving in to it the past 2 days.

@Cisforcaro Have you tried, doing some exercise? Great way to break the cycle.

@LukeSm I did actually! But I kept checking in.

@Cisforcaro Well, I’m not too sure as to what you’re suffering from, but for me, it was, trying to stop the reassurance, and establishing acceptance. What are you suffering from? If im allowed to ask.

@LukeSm I had a panic attack Friday morning out of the blue when I drove my cat to get fixed. No reason for it either. Been taking my meds, been walking outdoors an hour a day. The only thing is that were on spring break . Tuesday I did taxes, Wednesday I had my cochlear implant meeting, Thursday our new puppy went to the vet and Friday was Dojas appointment. However, I did have more down time than usual . I was actually admiring the sunrise and started thinking about how it would be weird driving home opposite of the sunrise and for some reason all the sudden I got that sweaty and cold feeling. So I spent the rest of the drive home trying to calm down. Once I got home I just laid in bed but felt better by the afternoon. Yesterday it was more weird/exetensial type thoughts (when we have a memory and we can picture it, where are we actually picturing it?) Which led to me latching onto that and doing the OCD dance of distract, think about it, have anxiety, calm down and distract. I don't understand because I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. It makes me afraid I'm getting worse or something. I drank last night because I wanted some relief from it. But now I'm paying for it. Rolling panic attacks and sick to my stomach. It'll start as something benign, like remembering I left my daughter's shoes in the car, and I can "see" them in the car and then my brain goes "but you're not seeing it like you see something right in front of you. It's seeing in some weird dream type space" and I can't explain it and that causes anxiety because I can't easily explain it and then I get panicky and then distract myself and then it happens again shortly after. I've had thoughts like this before. About time, about an "inner voice" (how do you know it's your inner voice and not schizophrenia hearing voices type thing?) And I know this is the same existential theme, but the cycle and the feelings are terrible and I want it to stop. Im laying here, feet sweating, scrolling to distract myself. I feel like if I eat I'll vomit. I can't tell my husband I'm having this. It freaks him out which makes it worse for me

@Cisforcaro Ok, lets break this all down, so its easier to explain, number one, I assume you do ERP? Or some form of therapy to help you cope, if you don’t, just try and take OCD along for the ride, like you said to me, this is just one of your bad flare ups, so it will pass, you’re not a bad person for recognising these thoughts, afterall, there our thoughts, no one elses, its an interesting thought, about how we can picture things visual imagery involves a network of brain activity spanning from the frontal cortex all the way to the visual areas at the back of the brain, its a subconscious process, we dont physically have a picture in our brains, we can just remember it, and thus, it appears. You also mentioned about schizophrenia, and how would you know? Well i can put you at ease, people who are developing schizophrenia, or are schizophrenic, don’t realise they are or are becoming it, same as psychopaths, they don’t realise it either, therefore, the fact that you can literally type out a message wondering if you have it of not, implies you dont. Im sorry to hear that you can’t talk to your husband about this, try to develop some communication between you two about your struggles.

@LukeSm He has lots of his own mental illness, so it's just hard. I suspect my thoughts about thinking sprang from the DPDR feelings my panic attack brought on. But coming down from that is the worst part. I know I will feel this weird split for a few days.

@LukeSm Also, I appreciate you responding. I have been posting here and reddit all day and I appreciate you reading all that. I am not currently in therapy, and haven't been since 2020, but I do take medication.

@Cisforcaro I’m here to help, we all are. But, look on the bright side, youve been doing soo well, recovery isn’t linear, It’s more like a spiral staircase. If you understand me.

@LukeSm I always have that fear that I won't recover and be as bad off as I was the first time I got it.

@Cisforcaro Thats the way the OCD works, during the first time I suffered from EOCD, I was convinced, and i mean convinced, that I would never recover, but shortly afterwards, I stopped having all thoughts and enjoyed myself. Peaks and valleys is what lifes all about, so when this does pass, and it will, I assure you, you can appreciate the better days ahead!

@LukeSm Thank you. Even as I'm replying to you, I feel better, but then I try to do things and I will make myself remembering something and torture myself with "and how did you see that?" And the anxiety spikes. I know what to do, but I can't seem to do it.

@Cisforcaro Dont beat urself up over it, run me through your thought again, soo we can solidify it.

@LukeSm It's hard to explain? Like you know when you remember something or think back on an event and you can picture it in your mind? Like how is that even happening? How can I be watching TV right now and remembering something in my head without seeing it in front of me like I do the TV.

@LukeSm I think it posted but then got deleted. I reposted

@Cisforcaro It’s an interesting topic, it’s all due to the cervical cortex, like i explained in the previous message, there are some people who can’t imagine at all. It’s a lot more intuitive then we think.

@LukeSm So in a way, it's more like solomatic OCD. Except, instead of blinking or swallowing, it's just thinking?

@Cisforcaro Yes, it could be, somatic OCD, is where someone focuses on neutral-physical stimuli, not soo much physical, but it is still a neutral thing, we dont acc put effort into imagining things, we just do.

@LukeSm I'm also trying to frame it this way: I've always thought this way and it's never hurt me. And if I didn't think this way, I would be more freaked out.

@Cisforcaro Yeah, it’s natural to you now.

@LukeSm I was doing pretty good today. Still catching myself hyperaware of my own thinking. I have moments of normality but then I slip right back. Mostly due to mental compulsions.

@Cisforcaro At least it’s not constant.

@LukeSm How are you doing today?

@LukeSm Hi, just saw you comment I am struggling with EOCD right now and I feel off and just like nothing is real it is a nightmare Is this how you felt? I just feel right now it will never get better abd I am stuck like this because it has been 3 months and I just want to feel myself

Thats so weird, cos sometime last week, I realised how close I am to the summer holidays, and I got an anxious feeling in my chest. Is it possible that OCD can flare up at certified times in the year?

That happens due to a trigger. I don’t do well regarding my PTSD diring certain months from childhood trauma.

@LukeSm Considering it is linked to trauma, I wonder if a traumatic event occured around this time of year and my body/subconscious just remembers it?

@Cisforcaro Yeah, I mean, when I first started having this, it was very traumatic, Im a lot better now, which im truly blessed for. So im just riding it out.