Scares me..it makes me focus on the only thing that could make my fears come true, cause when you focus on a fear for too long, you make it happen. You make the chances higher just by fixating on it, how am I supposed to pull away from this constant torture and pain, when all I can think about is my worries and fears, I mean honestly how hard is it to find someone who specializes in OCD? Help?!
I’m not trying to give reassurance but I had a teacher in high school once tell me “a lot of the things we fear don’t actually happen it’s all just made up in your head” it changed my perspective for a while! Also, our minds are super powerful it can make you believe things that you don’t believe or don’t necessarily value. Don’t get me wrong I have ocd flare ups (I’m having an ocd relapse rn) from time to time and I also have the fear that I’ll be scared forever but I also think about the moments in my life where I forget about the fear and how much fun and life I was living. You will get better and you will enjoy life more soon! Life is always going to throw obstacles our way and facing our fears is just one of the issues we face in life. 💗 I hope that gives some insight✨
I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.
so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.
The thought of ocd being long-term is scaring me pretty bad. My therapist told me in our first visit last week that it will always come back and it triggered me. I know everyone says it’s manageable, but I keep having the thought that I won’t be able to handle it the rest of my life and I will want to suic. myself. I am terrified :(
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