- Date posted
- 3y
Exhausted (sorry I wrote so much)
I can’t tell if this is a spike and I’m unsure, but I was doing fine for a few weeks and then my brain was telling me I want to be sexual with a woman which I don’t desire or want. It was like “you don’t want to date a girl but you wanna be intimate with one” (I saw a post yesterday saying that and I may be wrong but I think my brain took that as a new thing to obsess over) But then my brain will rephrase the question and then tell me yes I want to do it but I was very calm about it which then made me question why I didn’t mind the thought and now I’m like oh no do I actually want to do that ?! Then it had my spiral and it is really making me believe I want to now 😢 but it feels so real that I can’t tell what’s right or wrong anymore! It’s like I don’t desire that but my brain is telling me if I had the chance I would. But I don’t want to experiment or anything I don’t desire that! But my brain is telling me I do desire it and it’s not an unwanted thought. It’s weird it’s starting to feel so real and it’s as if I have to accept I’m suddenly bi or I was actually always like this! But I’m not attracted to girls! So this is so confusing and makes no sense 😭I also try to remind myself that thoughts are thoughts but it’s getting so intense that I’m like this is just my doing I just want to think this now huh? I also couldn’t tell if this was OCD anymore. Also if I constantly keep asking myself the same question my brain asks me and I say no I don’t want to do this it’s as if I’m lying to myself and my head is like nah you want to do this. And then if I ask the same question and do the whole maybe, maybe not thing it makes me feel like I’m actually gonna do it or that I genuinely want to do it and then it feels very real. I’m so distressed. Also, is me constantly asking the same question my brain asked a compulsion ?