Obsessing about obsessing
I think I have had OCD for my life, but it really got bad a year ago when I started to worry about it I was gay or not and many other things. I don’t want to go into all of it because that will probably make it worse for me in the long run, but after I had became less stressed about being gay, I started to become obsessed with focusing on swallowing, especially if people were talking about something bad. Then it moved to blinking and then focusing on thinking about thinking, but that’s when things got weird. When I became less stressed about that, there were things that I had read about that I really didn’t want to be obsessed about, and I think I started to get intrusive thoughts about thoughts that would reassure me about whatever it was. My brain basically tried to come up with a plan to begin obsessing about something that I didn’t want to. Now sometimes I feel like reassurance has turned into the intrusive thought, because I know it will make things worse. For example, if someone says the word “OCD” I get worried that hearing that will reassure me that I have OCD and that my other obsessions aren’t true. The problem is I feel like it is hard to describe, and I feel like it is so hard to describe that I won’t be able to explain it right or get treatment for it, and I’ll be stuck in a loop of reassurance. Whenever I’m calm, my mind tells me that that’s because I reassured myself, and sometimes I don’t know how to do ERP for this, or what the compulsion is. Also, sometimes there is something that happened in the past that I don’t want to talk about in therapy, that my mind will get stuck in my head, and I can’t do anything about it. I know this is confusing, but what should I do about this, and if a thought that is reassuring comes into my head, should I let it into my head or resist it? Thanks!