Suicidal OCD

Gosh, I don’t even know where to start. I appreciate anyone who will read this whole thing. I’ve been having such a hard time with one specific intrusive thought and it’s suicide. It scares me so much that I’m thinking about it. I constantly have those thoughts because it genuinely terrifies me. I think of scary thoughts of what would happen if I ever did something like that. I tell myself it’s not true and that I never would, but I feel like my mind is trying to convince me that it’s true and that I’m having these thoughts for a reason. I always think “well I’m thinking of suicide for a reason, so it must be because I want to do it.” Gosh, it’s so exhausting. I even think of the scary ways to do it, mainly hanging and when I think of this, it puts me in such a bad mood. It’s so scary that I get sick to my stomach sometimes and feel so much anxiety. It even got to the point where I started to feel depressed and didn’t want to get out of bed. I wake up every morning and it’s the first thought that pops into my head because I know it’s something that’s just stressing me out so much. I’m in a place right now where I’m just thinking “I don’t want to think about this but why am I? Does this mean I actually want to? Maybe I do. I have no idea.” It’s putting me in such a bad place where I feel like it’s something that could actually happen. I pray that this thought goes away because it’s so tiring for me to go through this. Sometimes I’m even on the verge of crying because of it. Thank you so much if you’ve read all of this. I appreciate it

ItsmeMay

Date posted: 3y

You are really strong. A while ago I was very depressed because of intrusive thoughts that didn't get out of my head every day. I felt really really guilty, but then I discovered that those thoughts weren't my fault nor what i wanted to do and that helped me deal with them. I still have these thoughts, but today I don't feel as sad as I used to. Keep fighting. Everything will be alright! :)

e.ileenm

Date posted: 3y

Thank you so much! It’s truly comforting to know I’m not alone and that there’s nothing wrong with me. I know we’ll both get through this!

[Deleted]

Date posted: 3y

Comment deleted by user

e.ileenm

Date posted: 3y

Hi! Thank you so much for commenting! I do have people I can talk to. I’ve already opened up about this to my mom, sister, and aunt. I’m very blessed to have the support that I do but it can still be hard. I’m working on trying to get ERP therapy as well. I just hope that these intrusive thoughts will fade out soon

username255

Date posted: 3y

hey!! going thru this exact subtype right now! it is 100% very scary because you can’t tell what are real and what’s not. i’m trying to give you reassurance but what helped me is when i have those thoughts im constantly posting on here and i eventually realized was it’s because im scared. thats what OCD latches on too. you value your life, it sounds like you’re also doing mental compulsions. the denying it and stuff. allow that thought to sit there without arguing with it. i know it’s frightening but the less anxious your brain sees you become ab it, it’ll stop bothering you. i can tell you im a HUGE hypocrite bc i do bad mental compulsions with it. mine is specifically with a gun. so it is more than scary! the images, urges, feelings and all. but it is normal!! and it is normal to wonder if they’re actually how you feel or not. if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t be so scared of it!! i’m here for you!

e.ileenm

Date posted: 3y

Oh my goodness! Thank you so much! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. These thoughts are so scary and my mind constantly tries to convince me that maybe I’m actually feeling this way for real. It makes me so sad and depressed which leads me to think well maybe I am. I mentioned that hanging is the most scary for me but a gun is probably a close one too. I hope I’m able to get rid of these thoughts soon.

username255

Date posted: 3y

@e.ileenm you are NOT alone. i’ve gone thru harm, existential and now suicidal themes. this all started 2 months ago have never had anything like this happen before. this one probably has been the hardest one for me personally. it’s called the doubting disease for a reason. just remember if it was something you wanted to do, i highly doubt you’d be in this community and as scared and stressed out as you are. someone with active thoughts seek any opportunity that could possibly end their life. it is also normal to have depressive episodes during this subtype. as it reflects, doesn’t always mean you are 100% depressed but could have depressive emotions linked to this which is SO normal. going thru the same thing. i just wanna lay in my bed all day until these thoughts go away. some days are better than others. do not put your life on pause because of these thoughts. do those things you love but seem hard right now, eventually they will become less and less harder. pick up a self care routine even if it’s hard, talk to friends, go out, go on walks etc. i promise it will be worth it and you’ll break this cycle!! i’ve never actually dealt with depression so i know i’m not depressed but doesn’t mean these 2 months didn’t take alot from me! doesn’t mean i don’t get to feel upset and less energy without it being linked to another mental illness. i know this is alot but i hope it helps to know you truly are not alone and i’m struggling just as much as you are. we got this together ❤️

e.ileenm

Date posted: 3y

@username255 You are so, so sweet. You’ve honestly helped me so much. This made me tear up. It’s comforting to know there are good people out there and you taking the time to help me gives me so much hope! I do admit that getting up and doing things are so hard for me because all I wanna do is lay in bed and watch tv. Like you said, some days are better than others. I have good weeks and bad weeks. I even have good weeks with bad moments. It’s just all over the place. I know getting up and doing things is hard for me right now but like you said, I have to realize it will be worth it. I appreciate you so much. If you don’t mind, I would love to talk with you more! We could check up one one another and just talk if you’d like! I’m here if you need anything also! Thank you so much for your help! ❤️

username255

Date posted: 3y

@e.ileenm im so glad it helped! yes of course. what social media platforms are you on?

e.ileenm

Date posted: 3y

@username255 Yes! Probably the easiest one is Snapchat which is @erika2177 or insta which is @priv.erikax ❤️

username255

Date posted: 3y

@e.ileenm i added you!

username255

Date posted: 3y

im not trying to give you reassurance *** is what i meant to say

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd tips

so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd advice?

Leo_Massie

Date posted: 23w

Constant intrusive thoughts about ending it (TW)

Starting in high school, I became very suicidal, and it became my “safety net” of all went wrong. I know it’s dark, but I was in a really bad head space and I saw suicide as my escape if I couldn’t fix my life. It got to the point where I was constantly thinking about suicide (literally every day, multiple times a day). Over the last year, I’ve gotten better and I think about it less. But then my OCD grabbed hold of it…. Now, if I do something wrong or embarrassing or if I struggle in a social situation (which is often 😅), my mind says “kys”, “jump off a bridge”, and so on. It’s like an automatic response with my OCD and it makes me so uncomfortable… I’m trying to get better. I don’t want to die. Sure, I still get pretty low, but I always push the thoughts away now instead of welcoming them like I used to. But with the intrusive thoughts being nearly constant now, it’s kind of scary. I dont know what to do to make them stop since the intrusive thoughts are just so automatic at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I have a therapist, but I dont know how to bring this up with her. I’m too nervous to even admit to suicidal thoughts, not to mention the intrusive thoughts they’ve turned into. It kind of feels like it’ll never go away.

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