I feel hopeless

3 days ago I started to feel better after 10 days of intrusive thoughts. I thought yayy I did it. And yesterday I had a session with my psychiatrist. She told me it's too soon to know if the crisis is gone or if it is just 2 days of peace. She said I may need to take paxil (I took luvox for 2,5 years)that is a similar drug, more sedative, but it is easy to take it off later. I felt kinda sad cause I thought I was doing better and I'm afraid of trying another meds. Last night I couldn't sleep cause the thoughts returned. I just felt as "this is it, I failed". I had so much anxiety and the thoughts keep telling me, just accept it, you're trans. I just want to feel okay again

Maybe,MaybeNot

Date posted: 3y

Hey friend, we’ve all been there, feeling like this is it, we are never going to get better. This is just a part of the process. 2 days of not engaging with thoughts is a success and you should be proud of yourself. Whatever you were doing, do that again. I praise you for that. Just pick up today and start again. Don’t give up or accept that you are trans, because nobody knows anything for sure. Just have the attitude that maybe I am, maybe I’m not, oh well, I’m going to go on with my day because I don’t want to live in constant agony. You got this. The more you sit the uncertainty, the easier it gets. I promise.

paufli

Date posted: 3y

Thank you so much for your words. I'll try to do my best to sit with uncertainty and be kinder with myself too. Have a great day 💖

Maybe,MaybeNot

Date posted: 3y

@paufli You got this. Keep us posted on your progress. Check out the OCD stories podcast on Spotify, there’s an episode called something like the 8 principles of recovery or something like that you should check out.

Tan Sora

Date posted: 3y

It's terrifying actually, especially when you apply it on Pocd and zocd, accept the uncertainty is such an impossible mission for me it's so hard, I feel like if I accept those disgusting thoughts that means it's real and I'm my thoughts, it's so hard that sometimes I can't even breath normally

Maybe,MaybeNot

Date posted: 3y

@Tan Sora Accepting uncertainty is not the same as agreeing with the thoughts as being true. It just means that you are accepting that maybe they are true, maybe they aren’t, and I can’t figure it out, so im not going to try to figure it out. It gives you anxiety because your brain has been conditioned to respond with anxiety to a false threat. We need to unconditioned that alarm system in your brain by exposing yourself to the uncertainty which will allow your brain to habituate to the thought.

paufli

Date posted: 3y

@Maybe,MaybeNot I also get scared of doing ERP cause what if I don't feel the anxiety I'm supposed to feel? I tried a few minutes ago but it was just like saying okay I'm done, this is the reality. I'm engaging too much with my thoughts. I'm finding it hard to think about it as just a thought and not the"truth"

Maybe,MaybeNot

Date posted: 3y

@paufli There is no specific way you are “supposed to” feel. If you feel anxiety during an exposure, the goal is to sit with it. If you don’t feel anxiety, well maybe it just means it’s not that triggering, not as triggering as you thought it was, etc. that’s kind of what we want anyway, isn’t it? To feel better? You’re not going to feel anxiety during every exposure and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean anything. Do not engage with the thoughts. The difficult part about thinking of thoughts as just a thought and not as the “truth” is that we are leaving room for uncertainty. If we accept the thought as true, if gives us certainty, which for many of us is more comfortable than not knowing. You have to be willing to sit with the anxiety of not knowing. Try to commit to it for a short period of time, an hour, a day, a week, and see how it goes.

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

Afraid I won't recover

I'm going through a rough time. I used to think medication would brighten my world, but if anything, it's muted it. The physical anxiety is less, and I felt okay(ish) for a while, but things are getting bad again. I'm so afraid I'll never get to a point where I feel safe in my body and in my mind. Today is the first day I've cried in... I don't know how long. But I didn't feel the relief I thought I would. Initially, I did, but it morphed into dread, and now I'm sitting by myself, trying not to panic. I really want to begin seeing a therapist for OCD, but I don't know how much my insurance covers. There's just so much on my mind right now. A whole bunch of old themes are resurfacing. I wish I could've been given a different path in life. I'm trying to stay strong. It's just really difficult. I feel like I'm being sent back to square one :(

AnonymousOne...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

I don't know what's happening...

I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.

Lizethh

Date posted: 17w

I've been doing better but...

Today I had my follow up appointment with my psychologist, I left feeling worse, I loved the psychologist I spoke to last time he was very informed and understanding, this time I got an appointment with someone who he supervises and I feel like she didn't allow me to speak, she didn't allow me to explain my thoughts or feelings, she told me I have to take my medication or she won't be able to continue helping me, which I understand but im terrified of medication I can't get over it, she said if i start the prozac and it doesn't work then I'll have to get on antipsychotics which seems a bit extreme to me considering i have no psychotic symptoms matter of fact she didn't even allow me to explain my symptoms and i feel like there's so many other antidepressants that could work before getting on antipsychotics🙁 this didn't help me at all considering the episode of ocd i just got through was about me becoming psychotic, I just feel let down and misunderstood, I almost felt as if she was mad at me for the buspar not working she said "you didn't really try it you just took it for a week so if you stopped it it's like you gave up on yourself" but it kept me up 2 nights in a row and i couldnt function from the anxiety 😞

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