Does this sound like real event ocd?

I have been experiencing the same repeated thought cycle for 9 months since a certain event happened where I don’t have complete memory. I was on a night out with colleagues and got drunk to a point I blacked out (I have not done this since, and this is one of the only times I have done this). At the end of the Night a colleague who I remember trying to get with me throughout the night said ‘do you remember when we kissed?’ , to that I felt instant guilt and asked if I had cheated on my boyfriend, he then explained that he tried to kiss me but I turned away and said no I have a boyfriend. I rang my boyfriend straight away to let him know this had happened, and he forgave me and accepted it. I also was apologised to the next day by my colleague and he said I did nothing wrong and that it was his fault. However no amount of reassurance I got from people would stop me from feeling so much guilt. 9 months later and I still feel the same amount of guilt as when it first happened and I can’t get over it. I spend so much of my days trying to remember what happened and going through possible scenarios like imagining me being the one who initiated it and it feels so real. I never come to any conclusion as I don’t have a Memory, but I feel like I need this to move on. I feel as though I have cheated on my boyfriend and I need to end our relationship because I don’t deserve anything good due to what I could have potentially done. I would never be able to forgive my self for cheating. It’s like having the same thought over and over of myself doing something which makes me hate myself. The only time I feel okay is when I ask other people if what I’ve done is wrong and they tell me I wasn’t in the wrong or by reading online forums (this sometimes makes it alot worse). I also get triggered in social situations when people bring up the topic of cheating and get very anxious and upset. Sometimes it makes me not want to live anymore if I always feel like such an awful person. I want to focus on my studies and do well but this is stopping me. Does this sound like OCD or am I just a bad person unable to deal with what they have done?

Dude01

Date posted: 3y

Yeah it sounds like Real Event OCD. I think the most important part is you already told him, so there's no secret. You're could be more concerned with the "what if" stigma of being labeled a "cheater" more than anything. But at the end of the day, your relationship is between you and him, and if it was supposedly "unforgivable", the ball is in 100% in his court to where he can easily just decide to break up with you. The fact that he didn't, means the relationship can move on from it. Also the fact that you quickly went to him to tell him the truth shows that you care about trust in the relationship, which is a big factor, and probably something he appreciated a lot.

amyludlam

Date posted: 3y

I feel like what if there’s more details I’m not letting him know, but I’m unaware of them and can’t deal with not knowing if I’ve done something that goes against my beliefs/morals. Our relationship is good even 9 months later, but I can’t get rid of the thoughts of what could have happened and the guilty feeling.

Dude01

Date posted: 3y

@amyludlam - I've had zero therapy, but I kinda went through a similar situation with my g/f. We both did some shady stuff back and forth to eachother, it was like an "eye for an eye" type of dysfunctional mentality, but at the same time it felt like we were keeping things "fair". Like if she flirted, I would flirt, and vice versa. Relationships non stop go through those ups and downs of what's "acceptable" and what's not acceptable. So I did some shady crap to "retaliate" for something she did, and I felt like it crossed the line for us (it wasn't "cheating" but it wasn't nothing. At the same time she would accumulate doing shady things more frequently). So what happened? I got a ton of shame and guilt, self-disgust, etc. I didn't tell her for a while. This event actually probably started the cycle of OCD with me in more real way. Because I started non-stop mentally rationalizing it, how it was "justified", etc. But I didn't feel relief and the relationship couldn't move forward until I finally confessed it. The problem with that is, it was the first confession among hundreds! I would examine my entire relationship with her and confess any perceived "bad" things that I had done that I felt she had known. But that's when the OCD crap really started (and I didn't know I had it), because it became this daily habit of being hyper-aware of anything I was doing in the present or the past that could be something "she should know". I'll tell you this -- probably 99% of the stuff I "confessed" was totally fine and trivial stuff and normal stuff that happens in a relationship. And she would tell me this... she'd be like "big deal! why are you telling me this?" Lol. So idk what the "therapeutic" solution is, but for me, after a good long time, I had finally had enough of the "confessions" hyper-active crap and I told her I needed to stop. So instead, I just wrote out a list of like "5 bad things to confess" if did that in my past with her or if it happened in the future. That seemed to solve it. But at the same time, the OCD just looked for new material / content because it's like never satisfied. There's always a new "puzzle" to solve or freak out about or try to remember. So instead of examining the relationship, it'd be examining anything I did in the past to anyone, did I wrong people in a severe way, did I do anything in my childhood that was bad, etc. So I guess it's a constant work in progress. I don't have any therapeutic "solutions" 'cause I haven't been in therapy yet, but just sharing my experience :)

amyludlam

Date posted: 3y

@Dude01 Thankyou for sharing your experience, I appreciate it. I have also had a similar experience in that I have thought about what I was like in past relationships/ on other nights out and trying to figure out if I was a bad person then. My boyfriend has also responded to my confessions saying this is a really minor thing for him, but i have obsessed so much over it and my possible actions I can’t get over it. Also the biggest part for me is the inability to remember my actions, I have only been told I did the right thing, but I can’t seem to trust it.

Dude01

Date posted: 3y

@amyludlam - You too. Yeah that's why they call OCD the doubting disease. It's always doubting everything, your recollection, if it's been analyzed "enough", etc. I can say what helped me / us was just coming to an understanding / agreement with her that she was fine with and I was fine with. It basically was "unless it's on this list of 5 bad things (like different forms of cheating etc --- and if I don't 100% know or remember -- Oh Well)", I don't "need" to confess it to her. But these are just "rules" we are making for ourselves anyway, 'cause ultimately the relationship is between the 2 people involved and it's whatever both people can tolerate and deem acceptable enough to stay in it. But you may be trying to "save face" for him but also for your own perception of yourself. But for me, it was like, if she's AWARE of what's happening with me (or if I'm not 100% sure about it) and is OK with THAT, then that's what matters as far as keeping the relationship integrity healthy. So what was my approach before? Let me examine and ADDRESS endless 100000000 amount of open-ended things and thoughts and whatevers so that I feel "clean" etc. But that's an impossible task. It's kinda like this -- say Lebron James or Aaron Rodgers was giving a press conference. A lot of these journalists asking the questions have a strategy to try to get a sound byte from them, so they will ask the same question 1000 different ways. What if Lebron or Aaron took the bait and said "the only way to be thorough is I HAVE to answer ALL of those 1000 questions". No that'd drive them insane. Instead, a lot of the times they have a simple strategy of "here's my statement on that topic, here's my answer on that, and screw the rest". So this may be an approach to the endless amount of doubts and questions OCD does, or not, idk. But it did help for me.

Kuzmits7

Date posted: 3y

You need to try to focus on the fact that nothing did happen you can’t dwell in the what if‘s anymore . It’s time to put it to rest and just see what happens with you and your boyfriend.

Twilightprin...

Date posted: 24w

Some advice please- I feel like my life is falling

I went out 2 years ago with some friends and I can’t remember some of the night - we went to a house party and my friends say nothing happened but I’m so afraid that I cheated on my partner and don’t remember it. It’s consuming my every minute and I can’t let it go. I was reading up on false memory ocd the other day and it triggered me into thinking what if something I imagined happening actually happened and I don’t know what to do and I’m scared that because I imagined something a certain way that if it wasn’t the same thing I imagined that it must be true

eb123456789

Date posted: 22w

False Memory Cheating Fear, Drinking

Hello all, I’ve dealt with various OCD themes and compulsions for pretty much as long as I can remember. In some periods of my life the thoughts and compulsions have been particularly severe, but I’ve also had years where I’m able to keep it under control. This has made me worry I don’t actually have OCD, especially because I haven’t been doing consistent therapy and my therapists have gone back and forth on whether I have OCD. In the past few years, I’ve struggled immensely with false memory ocd, and right now I’m going through probably the most severe episode of my life. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. A few times that I’ve gone out drinking I’ve had the thought before “what if I lost control and cheated tonight” and it’s bothered me severely. Two times before, it’s gotten to the point of convincing myself that because I talked to a man that meant I had cheated on my boyfriend and just couldn’t remember. It has never turned out to be true. About a month ago, I went out with friends and had too much to drink. I was really ashamed of myself the next morning, particularly because I always try to drink cautiously now that I know it can trigger my anxiety. I am ashamed to admit I do not remember the very end of the night getting in my uber and going home. I woke up anxious and extremely worried and immediately started off by worrying if I could have tried to kiss my friend and not remembered. I called him and was immediately reassured nothing had happened, I simply drank too much and went home at the end of the night. I started feeling better, but then remembered a moment I had been in the bathroom. I remembered chatting with people in line about how long the line was, and then being in the bathroom on my phone. I then felt like I remembered people knocking and saying to myself “that wasn’t that long” and leaving. There is nothing concrete that I remember that in any way indicates I cheated, and in fact I have texts with my boyfriend from the whole night telling him I loved him. My friend told me that the only time I was ever apart from him was about 5 minutes and that when he came back I was in the same exact spot he left me in. However, when I remembered being in the bathroom, I thought to myself “what if you cheated on him in the bathroom”/ “oh my god did you cheat on him in the bathroom” and then a series of images of me performing sexual acts popped into my head. I’ve poured over my memory and truly do not remember meeting anyone, talking to anyone, or even finding anyone attractive that night, but the fact that I was drinking makes me worried I’m just forgetting and these images could be real. I’ve been constantly ruminating on these fears for the past month, to the point that the only relief I feel is when I’m able to fall asleep. I’m a law student and it’s becoming extremely difficult to keep up with my classes. I’ve been google searching, asked chat gpt for advice, confessed my fears to my boyfriend, asked for reassurance from pretty much everyone in my life, and even emailed the bar asking for security footage (which I know all sounds insane). I’m a naturally guilty person and feel bad about small things, so I really don’t think I would be capable of cheating and then nonchalantly texting my boyfriend, but these images feel so real that it’s terrifying. I’ve also seen a lot about how I would “just know” and that begins to scare me because then I think “you do just know, you did it” even though I really don’t think I did. I know these posts are not supposed to be for reassurance seeking, I’m just so exhausted and feeling really depressed. I’m wondering if anyone has experienced something similar and has any advice. I’m also wondering if images can feel more real the more you ruminate on them or if it’s a sign of memory. Thank you so much for listening.

emma345

Date posted: 18w

Reocd but actually did something bad

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

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