(HELP) Hey guys, I almost had a panic attack about 5 minutes ago, I thought I was going to go insane and lose entire control of my thoughts and have to be admitted into a mental facility because of me wanting to cause harm to myself and others. Me and my mom were in the car and I was thinking about jumping out and of course I know it was just my dark intrusive thoughts coming strong BUT I actually opened the door a little bit and almost wanted to jump in the traffic, I got SO DAMN SCARED because just doing that made me feel like I was going insane and I felt like I was going to go insane and end up in a psych ward for all of the intrusive thoughts I was having! I’ve had thoughts about hurting myself, my parents, loved ones, friends, and it’s scary as hell because the dark thoughts are making me feel like I want to do them but I don’t want to do them! This is all new to me! I’ve only had these dark thoughts since Sunday and now I’m scared for my LIFE! I am losing hope because I don’t want to have to go through these thoughts anymore for that much longer, and even almost attempting to jump out of the car was REALLY a scare for me, I am getting help and going to a group therapy, going to a 1 on 1 therapy and I started Prozac 20 MG last Saturday night BUT, I’m feeling like my case is severe and that’s even worrying me, I’m so scared for my life, SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!

Im so scared i wish my brain would send me in to derealisation, im 13 years old and my OCD honestly gives me the most disgusting thoughts I can’t take it anymore my head turns everything into a sexual thought and I can’t even look at my own mom anymore because of them they are really and honestly the most messed up thoughts I could ever think of and I’m so scared idk what to do, I’m on Prozac and going to start ERP soon but I’m still so insanely scared I have lost myself, I’m only just been diagnosed with ocd and don’t know everything abt it but just keep on panicking about everything😭😞😢

I feel like I'm up against an insurmountable mountain. I'm not new to OCD; I know I've had symptoms since at least the age of 8 (probably earlier to be honest, I just know things really took off when I was 8). I dealt with things with no outside help until I was 17, at which point I began seeing a therapist and began to take celexa. I stuck with that therapist for a couple more years before going about my life, though I continued to take the the celexa. Fast forward to 2018, age 29 - I once again began to see a therapist and had my meds adjusted once more, this time switching to Luvox. I also wound up switching therapists after a year or so, though not by choice - my therapist had a personal crisis come up that necessitated the switch. I still see the same therapist I switched to in 2019. Early 2020 brought with it a couple more med changes, going off the Luvox and onto Cymbalta and Intuniv due to concerns about previously undiagnosed ADHD. This was how things were for five years. I'm not going to say things were perfect- there were undoubtedly bumps in the road - but things felt doable, and I mostly found enjoyment in life. This came to a screeching halt recently. Again, as I said, there were bumps in the road. At first, I thought this was all that this was. When I spoke to my psychiatrist in early February, I started Ativan as I just wanted something to take the edge off a little bit. I also went off of Intuniv as we thought that might be contributing to things. It was Saturday, February 8th when things really started to go off the rails. My boyfriend and I were going on a short trip across the state. An intrusive thought popped up - What if I sleepwalked at the hotel and hurt or even killed my boyfriend? This fear stuck with me through the entire trip. I heaved a sigh of relief as we drove back. I'd soon be safe back at home and I'd put it all behind me. If only. On the ride home, my worries shifted to concerns that I would sleepwalk and do something to my parents, who I live with. I fretted for the majority of the trip back, already making up plans to research the subject and how unlikely it would be that something like that would happen, and I'd tell my parents for good measure. They, of course, assured me that I'd never sleepwalked in the past so it was unlikely I'd do so now. I should also note that this is not a new fear of mine, but one I experienced as early as elementary school, though it had essentially disappeared up until this point, decades later. If only it stopped there. I stopped taking the Ativan Sunday evening in the middle of the trip, my thought being that the Ativan might have contributed to this. My boyfriend, in fact, had a reaction years ago where Klonopin actually sent him into a panic, so it seemed possible that I might be experiencing some sort of paradoxical reaction. I also remained off of the Intuniv. Monday was the day I began experiencing loss of appetite. Monday was also the day when things really began to take off and my life began to truly feel like a waking nightmare. Another horrific image from my past reared it's ugly head - an image of my grabbing a knife from the kitchen and stabbing my mom. An image that has continued to haunt me since - and now its 2 weeks later. There's still a bit more to the story - The day after this began, I went to a local urgent care. I was now not only experiencing these horrible thoughts, but I could barely eat lunch, and my stomach was hurting. I also told my parents the latest turn in how things were going. From the urgent care, I was given a prescription for Omeprazole and Hydroxyzine. The following day, I went to my ordinary doctor's office, where the doctor suspected my increase in anxiety and the associated intrusive thoughts had to do with going off of the Intuniv I'd been taking for five years without tapering, and advised me to immediately resume the Intuniv. He also endorsed continuing the Hydroxyzine, which I was taking at night before bed at this point. I'd hoped that going back on the Intuniv would 'even things out' and I'd be back to normal in no time. The thoughts continued, unfortunately. I had an appointment with my therapist as well as my psychiatrist, who upped my dosage of Intuniv to 3mg instead of 2mg and advised on other medication options should this not help. Though I would like to see both of them more, it's difficult with my work schedule and their busy schedules to find time. As of right now, I'm seeing my therapist once every two weeks. My next appointment with her is this Wednesday. I've also made follow up appointments with my regular doctor's office. Last Wednesday (2/19), I had an appointment with an NP who advised I take the Hydroxyzine three times a day rather than just at bed time, so I've been doing that. I thought it might be helping the first time I took it in the afternoon, though this doesn't seem to be the case with subsequent dosages, unfortunately. I also see her again on Wednesday. I apologize for the long post, but I wanted to share how I got to this point. Things aren't great. I'm trying to enjoy life where I can - I recently played board games with my parents yesterday and went to a restaurant with my boyfriend the day before and felt almost normal, but even in those instances it felt like there was something lurking just beneath the surface. I'm going through life, but it feels like I'm barely surviving. I'm going to work but only because I think I'd be worse at home with absolutely no distractions. I wish there was a switch I could flip and things would be back to normal, where I didn't feel this way. In fact, more often that not, I want to be laying in bed asleep, because you can't think when you're asleep, and it feels like the only refuge at this point. It's hard because home was always my safe place, and my mom one of my safe people - and now this. Anyway, if you made it through this long post, thanks for reading. <3

I went to talk to a psychiatrist based off my Nocd therapists recommendation. I had a very hard week beforehand where I had anxiety so bad I couldn't leave my bed. It seems like once I get my period my anxiety and everything dissipated some so I talked to the psychiatrist. Anyways, I was immediately put off by her because she told me she didn't have any information on me included in the referral for one reason or another. So I had to basically "fill her in" on my life story. I have anxiety disorder, panic disorder, OCD and PTSD. I told her these things and how hard the last week had been. She started asking questions like I had bipolar disorder, which I don't have. She then wanted me to take buspar and Zoloft TOGETHER daily. I know for a fact you never start two medications daily at once. You don't know which one is causing symptoms if you do. So I immediately didn't like that. I asked her about Zoloft specifically daily because it is an SSRI what I should do if it gave me thoughts of harm for myself. She told me "just go to the hospital".... Now, I don't wanna say that was the worst possible thing she could have said to me, but it was. Because now my OCD is spiraling that just my general harm OCD thoughts are enough to mean I need to go to the hospital. It had been 2 days and I cannot stop obsessing that maybe I'm depressed or suicidal because of this. I know I don't want anything to happen to me. I love my family and my friends. I am scared of death. But the thought is sticky and it's been so, so frustrating. My anxiety has been so frustrating. I feel so lost and like nothing I'm trying to fix my issues is working very well. NOCD therapy has been one of the only things to help in the long term, but I still get terrified of certain obsessions like suicide. I don't really know what to do, if anyone has any advice or any personal experience that may help, anything would be nice right now. I've felt so lost trying to figure it all out.