Trouble With POCD

Hi everyone, I've been dealing with POCD for a while now, and frankly I need help or advice or something because I'm getting nowhere, in fact it's only getting worse. I know that I'm supposed to not give the thoughts a response or attention, but I just can't do that, not with this theme. The thoughts feel so real it's like I'm there and doing those horrible things. The groinals make it so much worse and feel so much more real too, and I just feel like I can't possibly not go on the defensive in my mind when these thoughts happen, but it's too the point that the thoughts are constant now and I just can't keep doing this, but the alternative is just unthinkable to me. I feel like for me to ignore or not argue with those thoughts makes it feel like I agree with them or like them, and it's already terrible to deal with the thoughts when they feel like I enjoy them, even though I know I don't, so I'm terrified of being in a situation where it feels like I'm not disagreeing with the thoughts and actively fighting them. How am I supposed to deal with both of those horrible things at the same time and not feel like the scum of the earth. I already have spent so much time dealing with the guilt of having had these horrible thoughts, and at this point to just ignore them after having had so many of them that feel so real makes me feel like not arguing with them would just be the same as being a pedophile. If the thoughts feel so real, then for me to not fight them feels like it's morally the same as being a pedophile itself, as if I'm just a sicko thinking about all of these horrible things for pleasure, even though I hate them with every fiber of my being. Even that is something OCD tries to argue with me, that I somehow do like the thoughts even though I hate them. I know this has become a wall of text at this point,. but I just don't know what to do, I can't even get myself to do exposures because it feels like they just add fuel to my intrusive thoughts or convince me they're true even though I know they can't be and refuse to believe that. I just don't know what to do anymore, it's to the point that I hate being awake, like I live for the times when I'm not living.

POCD

JB1020

Date posted: 3y

I'm very sorry you are dealing with severe POCD. It can be true mental torture. Do you have a therapist who understands OCD? I understand not fighting the thoughts may feel immoral or like giving up but it is not and it is important for improving for the long-run. Fighting and suppressing intrusive thoughts is not very effective. Try to really commit to the therapy and so exposures. They can be really small at first. It can really help folks like us. Right now, with your severe POCD, no children are being harmed but you are suffering mightily. Why not try a different path that could lead to still no children being harmed and great improvement for yourself? You can do it! It does not mean sacrificing your morality. "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer is also a helpful book here. There were times when POCD crippled me. Just talked to my fiance about having kids yesterday. Not going to let OCD stop me from living. Neither will you, I know it!

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

Thank you, I'll try to get that book.

Oneday

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

You are not alone. Really. Don't give up.

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

happygirl15

Date posted: 11w

POCD/ Intrusive thoughts & Images

so I’ve been seeking therapy for my OCD for a few years. The theme that I’ve been dealing with most recently is the fear of becoming a pedophile, which then has led to intrusive images of me doing things to kids.Which now is just causing me so much distress and 24/7 constant thought cycle. I am starting to not be able to tell the difference between thoughts that are wanted/ unwanted- the line has become some blurry and these things are starting to feel like someothing i want to do. My brain keeps telling me to just test these thoughts and the “maybe”or”i don’t know” isn’t working. This has become such a barrier because the second layer is that I’m afraid that if I just let the thoughts be there it’ll make me be OK with doing those things and the fear is what’s keeping me from actually doing something inappropriate. It’s also transitioned into intrusive thoughts and images of me doing something very disgusting to my dog and that when I’m cuddling with him I get the thoughts to just do it or try it to see if i am actually a p*do. it’s almost like the compulsion would be to do the inappropriate thing, even though I know it’s wrong just to see how it would make me feel. I feel like i can’t control these urges even though i’ve never acted on it. At any point i could just do it. I’ve never had these thoughts before up until about a year and a half ago when my friend‘s boyfriend got arrested for soliciting a minor then all these thoughts came to life.Has anyone experienced something like this and have any advice?

POCD

Angrymitski

Date posted: 7w

Sexual intrusive thoughts

I live everyday constantly having questions such as “what if you want to sleep with your dog”, “what if you want to sleep with _____’s child” and “what if you want to sleep with your sister”? Im so sick of these intrusive thoughts, POCD is my main, and most troubling, subtype and I’m just so sick of it; i dont know what to do, I constantly feel like a pedophile and I’m exhausted. My problem lies in the fact that Im starting OCD recovery but a lot of my compulsions regarding these thoughts are avoidant or purely mental, and considering the theme these feel too massive to combat. What’s some advice for beginning to battle these intrusive thoughts?

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Trouble With POCD

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