- Date posted
- 3y
fear of sex or gay? (but tw sexual assault & tmi)
i have a crush on this guy and we’re getting closer and it’s amazing. it makes me super happy and i’m very attracted to him physically. i think he’s amazing! but when i think about us having sex, i don’t enjoy it. i find it perverted and weird. something happened to me once that i don’t really want to get into but essentially it’s probably a safety thing that’s turning me off. like sex has become this source of fear now and i find it gross… yet i’m also one to think A LOT about sexual stuff. i fantasise all the time about it. so it’s really confusing! i spoke to my therapist about it and it made a lot of sense that this is rooted in fear over what happened to me and all of that. but when i think of me having sex with a girl, i don’t feel as put off. logically i think it’s because i feel safe with women so it’s less scary. the thing that happened to me was done by a man and not a woman. but then part of me is nervous i’m simply not sexually attracted to men and i’m in denial. i’ve never had a romantic crush on a woman, and any sexual attraction i’ve felt has been purely anatomical (like very sexualised women in porn etc). i think i just feel a bit deflated because i honestly really really like this guy and now i’m questioning it all. i want to feel sexually attracted to him, and if i’m not, i don’t want the reason to be because i’m not sexually attracted to men! any insight would be appreciated :)