fear of sex or gay? (but tw sexual assault & tmi)

i have a crush on this guy and we’re getting closer and it’s amazing. it makes me super happy and i’m very attracted to him physically. i think he’s amazing! but when i think about us having sex, i don’t enjoy it. i find it perverted and weird. something happened to me once that i don’t really want to get into but essentially it’s probably a safety thing that’s turning me off. like sex has become this source of fear now and i find it gross… yet i’m also one to think A LOT about sexual stuff. i fantasise all the time about it. so it’s really confusing! i spoke to my therapist about it and it made a lot of sense that this is rooted in fear over what happened to me and all of that. but when i think of me having sex with a girl, i don’t feel as put off. logically i think it’s because i feel safe with women so it’s less scary. the thing that happened to me was done by a man and not a woman. but then part of me is nervous i’m simply not sexually attracted to men and i’m in denial. i’ve never had a romantic crush on a woman, and any sexual attraction i’ve felt has been purely anatomical (like very sexualised women in porn etc). i think i just feel a bit deflated because i honestly really really like this guy and now i’m questioning it all. i want to feel sexually attracted to him, and if i’m not, i don’t want the reason to be because i’m not sexually attracted to men! any insight would be appreciated :)

Perzibal

19d ago

Well, If you talk it with your terapist it's probably what she told you, if you had any bad expirience with a man in the past, you are likely to afraid when thinking this expirience it's going to repeat itself, so your SO-OCD it's probably using that againt's you

garden

18d ago

thank you for reading that and for your reply! i suppose i’m just worried the trauma has made it so i’ll never feel that way towards men again. which makes me feel sad and worried.

girlwithocd..

18d ago

I was looking for a post like this, I am in the exact same situation. I am a girl, 20 years old and a virgin. You can guess it’s making my ocd way worse… I have a lot of sexual fantasies about guys and crushes. Especially guys in movies and stuff. I get physical attraction but when it comes to actually doing it in person with a guy I like, I can’t. I just can’t, I go in freeze mode or something, and therefor I don’t get turned on so that is why I am terrified to try again. I don’t want to be a disappointment and make a fool out of myself. I guess that trauma (I tried once and just freezed bcus I wasn’t ready at that time) is making sex so terrifying to me now. But I am scared that I am gay and that’s the reason I can’t do it

girlwithocd..

18d ago

It was extremely embarrassing at that time so I hope and guess it is the trauma that is stuck in my body. But I fear that I am deep down into girls and that it would be so easy and natural with a girl. Because everyone says that it will become easy and natural for me when I find the right guy but I just don’t believe it

garden

18d ago

i’m sorry you’re in the same boat. it’s such a complex thing and it sucks that we have to process it all along with the doubt and fear of ocd 💛