What do you all think love is?

I'm starting to question if love is what I thought it was. No emotion that I've ever felt seems to get close to what I thought love was. I hope to find in this community answers other than "when you know you know", and "when you will find it, it will be clear" The time I felt something similarish to what I thought love was, it was a disaster. Always for people that treated me awefull, that didn't care about me, and to whom I needed to prove my worth every day. I don't think it's possible that love was that.

Relationship OCD

Username: EM77EM77

Date posted: 2y ago

I’ve been reflecting on this a lot recently too. In the relationships I had to chase I sought control of the situation and it felt obsessive. I too felt like I had to be someone else to gain their attention and affection otherwise they’d leave or lose interest. It was like an adrenaline high when I got a scrap of attention and it was addictive. Surely that’s not love? But to me, that was my definition of love, intense infatuation and adrenaline. For my current boyfriend I didn’t get those intense feelings. I even thought to myself early on “if he took longer to respond to my messages I’d find him so much more attractive” which in itself is so messed up upon reflection. What I feel for him is warm and fuzzy and comes in waves when I least expect it. I want to make sure he is happy all the time and cared for and feels loved. He respects me and I respect him. I didnt have to chase him and I didn’t get butterflies, it was just like meeting someone I’d known for ages because it was comfortable and happy. But this caused ROCD because it didn’t fit my definition of “love” which was basically just the chasing of emotionally unavailable people who actually probably didn’t love me or care about me that much

Username: barb_mrtbarb_mrt

Date posted: 2y ago

It's incredible, the similarities are crazy. I have suffered from ROCD for the last 4 relationship, and if I think about the ones where I was obsessing and having the same problems you are describing, I would say I always had rocd. Few years ago I decided that, that was not love, so I tried to resist that urge to make someone like me by changing myself and chasing. But since then, all my relationship end after few months because I don't feel those butterflies, I don't feel the obsession. I don't feel the feels. As you say I feel this waves of fuzzy feelings, I want to make my boyfriend happy, and make him feel appreciated. And I'm trying my best to sit in those uncomfortable thoughts and let them flow, without leaving the relationship. But it's so hard when you are with someone so sure about how he loves you, sometimes I even thought "I wish he didn't love me yet", but I'm trying to learn to appreciate that love instead

Username: EM77EM77

Date posted: 2y ago

@barb_mrt Yes, I’ve never had ROCD in the sense of “do I love him? Do I find him attractive?” in relationships I’ve had to chase. The two healthier ones I’ve had with emotionally available partners have been plagued by these obsessive doubts because they didn’t create that infatuation high. I’ve had sporadic moments of that infatuation with my boyfriend but it doesn’t last long. My boyfriend is so secure in his feelings for me which also makes me feel so guilty and sometimes I wish I could be the same but on the days I don’t ruminate or overthink too much I can feel that love so I know it’s there somewhere. The chaser/persuer dynamic is something that Sheryl Paul has written about on her blog, Conscious Transitions, if I remember right

Username: Sero82Sero82

Date posted: 2y ago

@EM77 This is so accurate to my experiences and feelings. Although, I have never felt like I've been in a "felt the love" place. I feel guilty often because I feel like I leave it all to him. I have felt moments of thrill though which often make me wonder if it's okay for the falling in love part to take longer (by a lot) for others than for some.

Username: Louise b Louise b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

All I have to say is thank you for this !! This just made me feel like I wasn’t crazy!! I felt the same way even with men who were somewhat nice… I’d go for guy friends who I could occasionally flirt with that I unknowingly was chasing, guys who were “nonchalant”. Until my boyfriend I have now, which cause my ROCD to begin. He is loving, I love him, I want him happy, he wants me happy, we don’t have to impress eachother, there is no drama, there’s just pure love. Just thank you!! So much. I feel less alone. God bless

Username: EM77EM77

Date posted: 2y ago

@Sero82 That’s ok, sometimes it takes you a bit longer to fall in love with someone. As Sheva Rajaee says in her book “Relationship OCD” don’t fall in love with someone, walk into love. You wouldn’t rush making a career decision so enjoy what you have now and let it happen naturally :)

Username: EM77EM77

Date posted: 2y ago

@Gracie521 I’m glad I could make you feel a little less alone! Sometimes we can be addicted to drama which can trigger the ocd, like a healthy relationship actually feels unsafe because we’ve gotten so used to the chase and unhealthy relationships! Learn to appreciate the pure healthy love if you can :)

Username: Louise b Louise b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@EM77 Thank you so much!!

Username: sylvysylvy

Date posted: 2y ago

I get it. Sometimes I think that because I don't have the butterflies and warm fuzzy feeling I don't love my partner anymore and it makes me doubt my whole relationship. But I've read that love isn't a feeling, it's an action. And so on those days I try to remind myself that if I'm acting in a loving way, that's love and hopefully good enough. It's so much more fun though when I have the feelings that come with the actions.

Username: MaedayMaeday

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

I'm anxious attachment style. So when I dated my husband, I did chase. I was obsessive. Then when he proposed... I felt numb. He's a good, steady guy. But my doubts make me wonder if I didn't want what I had, when I got it. I liked the thrill of the chase more than stable love...🤷‍♀️

Username: flowergirlglow

Date posted: 4y ago

Hi, looking for some solidarity here :) I’m wondering if anyone in this community has relationship ocd? Like obsessively questioning if you fell out of love/ ever were in love or you’re attracted enough. I’ve never met anyone with the same experience! This Covid 19 crisis has given me more time to worry and I’m hoping I’m not alone in these thoughts

Username: Jennnn

Date posted: 4y ago

I struggle with HOCD & ROCD. Growing up, I was crazy about guys! In fact, I always prioritized my crushes. Like I cared about my friends but I guess it’s the way movies portrayed love. I was crazy for my Prince Charming. Then... high school happened. First relationship & suddenly bam, HOCD hit me. It went away cuz I started getting busy but once I fell in love again, HOCD & ROCD came back. Anyway, part of growing I guess I am realizing value of different relationships but... now I feel like I don’t know different forms of love. Only understand romantic because that’s what I valued before so caring for someone else besides my boyfriend like friends of stranger feels weird... more like I don’t know love in other way I guess besides romantic. As if other relations were just there... now I feel like I am caring deeper for others and I am not used to it. Idk how to explain but I wanna see if someone else has gone through similar experience.

Username: Sero82

Date posted: 2y ago

Need some advice/help

Social media is really kicking my butt. I keep seeing people who say "my SO loves me but I only like them" and the advice is to break up. I've been having trouble being into my feelings for most of my relationship and didn't realize it was ROCD until after it caused huge tension in my relationship (now repaired), but I still struggle to say "I love you" because it's hard for me to feel the strength in emotional connection that comes with love. Every time I get a negative thought about my bf or relationship, it just gets harder bc I feel like I only recognize negatives about him. He means so much to me and I adore him truly, but I don't understand why I'm struggling to feel it. Even when intimate, I just don't get it. It's like I'm kissing him, but my mind is elsewhere and I feel incredibly guilty. When we are talking, it feels like I'm bored and trying to focus even though it should come easy for someone you care to listen to and it makes me feel like I genuinely don't care for him which is false. I feel like dissociate sometimes because I'm there but just not present not really. I hear but don't listen. I'm forgetful. I am confused. Does anyone else have or has had this experience? What do you do? How do you fix it? Because at this rate, I'm just feeling like I'm making excuses for lack of feelings.

Relationship OCD

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What do you all think love is?

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