Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Depersonalization and rocd

I’m in a relapse of my rocd if we can call it that, it’s been months now and it’s so hard. I love my partner an amazing amount but everything I do tells me different. Rocd tells me I don’t love him, I don’t even like or care about him and it breaks my heart. All day long anytime I get excited or happy about something my rocd says that’s because you don’t love him anymore. It’s so hard as I have such a negative view of him with rocd and my mind won’t let me think of anything positive although I was so incredibly happy. He feels like a stranger to me I use to be so comfortable with him and he was my best friend and it just felt right. Even when I was experiencing rocd thoughts from my original episode I was able to work through and still be happy. This relapse is so hard. I’m not sure if I’m experiencing depersonalizations or not because when I read up what it is most people say they feel like they are in a dream. I don’t feel a dream as much as I don’t feel normal and don’t feel like me. I question everything I do from the time I get up till the time I go to bed. Before this relapse, would I have sat down and watched tv, would I have said or done this or that. Everything is a question and nothing feels normal. I don’t feel like me. Even being with my partner I wonder if I act/ think the same way. Would I normally say this in a text, would I normally sit beside him or was it okay if we didn’t cuddle every second we watched tv? When we slept before did I turn durning the night or did we cuddle the whole night? Did I give him a good morning kiss every morning? When I go to text him something my mind instantly checks to see if this was something I would have done before and then reminds me how everything feels so weird. Not just with him but with everything. Sometimes I look at my dog and I don’t even feel like she is the same. I’m just so worried I’m so focused on being normal again that I’ll never actually feel like me. Like I’ve been too far in this hole to get out.It just sucks and feels so wrong. I feel like others have days or moments when they get to feel somewhat normal around their partner but my rocd thoughts/ feelings just won’t let me. It’s been almost 4 months of waking up and not feeling the way I want to and feeling like a stranger. I’m in therapy, I’m doing other rocd work and it’s just sucks. I feel like I’m never going to be able to look or think about my partner and just be okay again. I don’t even care about feeling the in love feelings, I just want to feel like I’m fully committed to us and him again. He is my person and rocd is trying so hard to take him from me. I guess any tips for depersonalization that has lasted a long time?

Relationship OCD

Username: Melody2022Melody2022

Date posted: 2y ago

I definitely think I have it too. I just got into a super healthy relationship and literally a day into us being official, my mind was bombarded with doubts. I tell myself I wouldn’t have gotten into the relationship if I felt any different. Him and I work so well, and I feel like he’s my best friend and that’s never something I experienced in past relationships. I feel so guilty all the time, and it’s been a month with it and it has only gotten worse. I now have reached the “numb” phase of it all. I try to tell myself that things will happen how they are supposed to, but it has been really terrible feeling this way. The future scares me to think about because in the first time in my life I have no idea with what I want in all aspects. Because I’m unsure, my mind comes up with thoughts like “well, maybe you aren’t actually compatible- or maybe he isn’t right for you because you’re so unsure” I continuously think about other people when I don’t actually want to. My OCD hates the uncertainty and it’s hard to feel anything natural when all I’m doing is monitoring how I feel. I just hope with time I get clarity, and things will start to improve with therapy. This really sucks and I feel so guilty.

Username: hharrishharris

Date posted: 2y ago

@Melody2022 The same is happening to me, he is the most pure soul person I know he’s amazing we work so well together it’s so natural, but my mind just goes to “oh but what if your not in love with him” or “what if your actually not gonna be great together” and then it just spirals. I completely understand the monitoring how I feel, I’ll feel relaxed and then I’ll check myself and be like “oh but does relaxed mean bored?”. No it doesn’t it means I feel safe but I can’t help thinking things like that and constantly guarding my feelings and checking them

Username: Flowers123Flowers123

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Melody2022 I am experiencing this right now too. These comments and your post really helped give me solidarity that I’m not alone. But it sucks- I cry all the time and am very anxious and monitoring my feelings and my partner’s emotions and ways of acting as ways to prove or disprove if we’re “right” together or if I “actually love him” and it makes me so pessimistic, judgmental and not present at all in the dynamics in my new relationship (2 months in). I also struggle with ebbs and flows of silence and emotional dynamics of quiet because of my dad’s own emotional dynamics with me growing up and his bipolar disorder so I’m additionally on alert constantly scared to mimic or end up with someone even close to those dynamics. I’m absolutely sucks and I’m terrified. He knows I’m experiencing this and has been so loving and patient and gracious helping me calm down when I spiral and cry with my doubts but I’m scared it won’t get better.

Username: jackiag862jackiag862

Date posted: 2y ago

This is exactly what I’m going through, and I’m so irritable about every single thing. Which makes it worse. My minds like see, you can’t stand him. You fell out of love. We’re getting married in April and I’m like the wedding isn’t gonna happen, you’re doomed to never be happy. I hate this so much. I just want to feel in love and happy again. I want to feel anything besides negative, extremely irritable, questioning everything, constant intrusive thoughts and anxiety 24 hours a day.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@jackiag862 I am in the same boat. Supposed to elope in March or April.. supposed to buy a house together in the next month. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone! This is overwhelming and sucks

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@jackiag862 Were you able to plan a wedding with these ROCD thoughts? I couldn’t do it although I tried numerous times

Username: aYdvg448aYdvg448

Date posted: 1y ago

@jackiag862 i feel the EXACT same way. this hasn’t stopped since the beginning of february and now it is mid april, but it all started when he mentioned us getting engaged and i FREAKED OUT. we are long distance, and i’m so scared of starting our lives irl again. we have been talking about him moving down here this summer and it scares me so bad. i just want to feel connected like i did a few months ago, and now i’m seeing him in 2 days and i’m still mid episode and i feel like how i feel when i see him for the first time will be my “truth” but i know that’s also not true. i’m scared of loosing him, and i just want to feel happy with him and more connected. how can i achieve this? and have you guys ever experienced what i have?

Username: ssierra22ssierra22

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

If it means anything. I’m happily married to my husband. Do I still get ROCD? Yupp. Actually triggered as we speak. But do I love him with all my heart and thankful for every moment together? Also yes. there isn’t a cure for OCD but we can learn to trust our decisions and ourselves even through uncertainty. We may not have all the answers, we may not get it right. But we can try

Username: ssierra22ssierra22

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

I feel this. We are in the process of moving in together and taking the next step in our relationship and I’m sick to my stomach with thoughts just like these. A few months ago I’d look at him so excited to get to marry him. It’s not until we just accept this possibility and the feeling of depersonalization that we start to get better. It’s so hard because it goes against what we genuinely value but it’s worth the discomfort

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Thanks for responding. I guess that by accepting it, it means that I don’t want him anymore because that’s what my ocd tells me. So it’s so hard to accept without instantly going to accepting means it’s the true. I wish I just had some moments at least where it felt normal. Something to hold on to.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous I just hate that the thoughts feel normal or that I might even like them sometimes. I wish I could just have some good thoughts about my relationship. We bought a house together last year and I was so excited for a proposal and it just seems like a different world right now.

Username: ssierra22ssierra22

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous It seems so unnatural to do, I totally get it. And painful but recovery is on the other side of all those feelings. You aren’t alone, I promise. Definitely work with your therapist on this!

Username: ssierra22ssierra22

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@ssierra22 Also! Just remember that accepting the possibility of the doubt doesn’t mean you agree with it. Just means you’re accepting the possibility. “Maybe, maybe not. But I’ll live towards my values anyway”

Username: aYdvg448aYdvg448

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous the “something to hold on to” really resonated to me. even if we are having a genuine moment, when i look back at it, it isn’t genuine in my head, i always use the good moments as a reason to stay until i get to see him again (we are in ldr), and i feel like that could be a compulsion, but when my rocd gets bad, i need those memories to think of.

Username: Butterfly_23Butterfly_23

Date posted: 1y ago

I feel this so much, I honestly just miss the connection I felt with my partner. He's so understanding and loving and I love him so much. Just want to get back to our life again without feeling like I'm an alien in my body - acting out my life without actually knowing if that's how I'd do things normally. Thank you :)

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

I am going through this exact same thing for the same amount of time. Also my second time but this time is stronger and using real events to try and prove it. Even down to the dog, I’ve been experiencing the same thing. I don’t have the answers I wish I did because I want to go back to normal so badly. Keep pushing that’s all we can do.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone! Just sucks the things you didn’t even think twice about cause so much suffering because of ocd. Like I know when he texted me before I wasn’t jumping off the walls at every texts but now if I’m not I instantly go to it’s because I don’t love him anymore. Which feeds into the feelings more. Just really sucks. He is my person and my life partner. Even if my silly brain is trying to protect me from him. I Gotta keep doing the work.

Username: kiki♡kiki♡

Date posted: 2y ago

Happy I came on here and read this as I am meeting up with my ex tomorrow for the first time since we split. I am incredibly nervous and my rocd is making me second guess how I felt up until yesterday, which is that I want to focus on therapy alone for a bit and then hopefully revisit the relationship. Now my rocd is saying haha jk you don't want to be with him and you're evil and guilty, so it's "nice" to remember that I have been struggling with this throughout and the only way out is through

Username: JAK04JAK04

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Just came across this and this is how I currently feel and it hurts so bad. Before I read up on rocd and knew other people were experiencing this I though I just fell out of love. Can anyone share how they got through this and/or any tips they could give me!

Username: vern_godlittlevern_godlittle

Date posted: 1y ago

I can relate to you almost exactly. You’re not alone!!

Username: kiki♡kiki♡

Date posted: 2y ago

Me too ❤️‍🔥

Username: tired!tired!

Date posted: 1y ago

Did anyone improve on this thread?

Username: Chlo_alexis

Date posted: 2y ago

Question

Hey guys I have rocd and I need advise or some words of encouragement When it comes to the feelings of oh I dont love my boyfriend even when I say I do it feels like im lying to myself and it makes me discouraged but I am too numb to fight it Its like my body doesn't want to accept I do Moments when I think oh I want to do something with my boyfriend my brain and feelings shut it down like oh its just going to turn into a routine or nothing he does will make you into him It just makes me depressed and numb because I love my boyfriend a lot, I could not imagine leaving him when I know all I want is him Sometimes my head tells me oh you are too young to have rocd (im 19) or there's always the grass greener on the other Side why settle But I love long term relationships and I want it with him, I chose to date him because it was something about him that was just different and I instantly connected with him We also been together for almost a year (anniversary on August 25) and sometimes my head tells me oh if you guys were together longer its rocd since a lot of people that are on the app I've seen had their relationship for years With anyone dealing with this and go through these episodes in recovery what is it that you do that helps you go forward with your partner and not feeling like giving up

Username: Anonymous<3

Date posted: 2y ago

Rocd and future

So Iv been doing better and im proud of myself. Everything seems to be going okay but I still feel numb. Its been almost 9 months and I barley feel happiness, love, anything pretty for that matter. I can only feel the negative ones like feeling blue from time to time. I just wonder if I’ll be “normal” again. I miss how I felt with my boyfriend. That overwhelming warmth I felt to the point i had yo stop myself from biting him because it was irresistible. It hurts that i cant feel but it also hurts that I might never be the same. How can I go on like this? What am I gonna do once we decide to live together or engaged ? Im always thinking of the future even as far as what it I go through postpartum depression. Im not asking for reassurance but these questions are on my mind everyday. Im so scared im going to go into that dark hole where i was 9 months ago. If anyone has some advice or someone who’s been going through this longer than I have can leave me comments on their experience id appreciate it.

Username: purpleturtle730

Date posted: 33w ago

rocd

rocd is ruining me and my life and my relationship. i feel so disconnected from my boyfriend bc of it and it’s so frustrating but i also feel so numb that i can’t even feel frustrated or upset or anxious or anything bad when the bad thoughts come bc it’s been so excessive over the past couple of months. i don’t feel anything like i use to and i just wish i could love him peacefully and purely the way i use to with no worry or doubt. i feel like he deserves better bc my mind is constantly telling me i want someone else secretly or makes over analyze anything and everything with him or about him and creates so much doubt in my mind. it feels so real to the point that i feel like i’m betraying him and even though i’m not actually DOING anything to him or behind his back or anything it feels like i would be lying and deceiving him to continue being a good girlfriend and just being good to him if that makes sense. like when i’m actually with him or talking to him it’s mostly good im not thinking badly too much but as soon as he’s gone it all comes and it feels like i’m hiding a different, bad, personality from him when he’s not around. he’s such a good person and i’ve done everything to be so good to him bc i want to and he deserves it all. but inside i feel like don’t know myself at all anymore. i want to get past it but i feel like even if i do i’ll feel like i’m hiding a past betrayal from him. i don’t want to lose him. can anyone help with any of this or share ways they’ve gotten past this.

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Depersonalization and rocd

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