Julia

Date posted: 3y

Existential and suicidal OCD

Hello guys, I would like to reach out and see if anyone else had similar experience. I have been struggling with existential OCD that morphed into suicidal OCD. It definitely got better over time, thanks to ERP, but I am still struggling to get it under full control. My existential OCD makes me question if there is a point in life, or if I feel happy or if I enjoy my life. Eventually it goes towards, “well, if you don’t feel like your life is meaningful what if you get supper depressed and kill yourself”. Now I constantly analyze my mood and freak out every time I don’t feel happy or content. At this point I believe we need another OCD subtype that would be called“ Depression OCD”. This is so exhausting… (I definitely love my life and do not want to die, but my OCD makes me question every feeling I have). I really work hard to get over this specific theme, but it seems like nothing brings the relief I am looking for. Does anyone have similar experience? Do you have any exposure tips?

"Pure" OCD

Rozzie

Date posted: 3y

I've had suicidal ocd for two years... Any tips would be appreciated

username255

Date posted: 3y

currently going through this!! i understand completely it’s exhausting

Julia

Date posted: 3y

I am glad to hear I am not alone because these two themes are rarely discussed together, so sometimes I even question if it’s even OCD. Did you have any success with any exposures?

username255

Date posted: 3y

@Julia i actually start my exposures next week. i just started dealing with this stuff in february. these themes together are really tough!! are you on medication?

username255

Date posted: 3y

@Julia i always say treat it as if it was OCD. the fact you’re even on here expressing how you feel is step 1. your vulnerability shows ALOT of strength. we got this. one day at a time.

Julia

Date posted: 3y

@username255 I am on a low dose of SSRI, but it honestly was not helpful at all until I started doing ERP. Good luck with your exposures, I am sure you will get better soon. I have been dealing with these themes since 2019. The first year was horrible because I did not know it was OCD. But honestly, once I started ERP therapy things got so much better. At this point my ocd is not as horrible, but mostly just annoying. I don’t really get any bursts of anxiety anymore, primarily just have constant “background” rumination regarding my themes that causing distress. If I can explain it with a metaphor, I would say that my OCD used to be like a 103 fever, that was paralyzing and painful. However, now it’s more like a low grade fever of a 100. It’s annoying and uncomfortable, but I still live my life. I am probably missing something or don’t have skills to do proper ERP for my OCD, so I really hope to get some ideas on how to properly espose myself to this kind of existential spikes.

beefree90

Date posted: 3y

I’m going through the same thing currently. I got “passed” harm thoughts regarding my kids but now I can’t tell if I’m depressed or suicidal and it’s making me so anxious.

Lil OCD Vert

Date posted: 3y

I struggled through this one!! The no point in life thought is nihilism. But there is also positive nihilism, I remember when struggling with this thinking oh wow I mean if there is no point in life there is also no point in not doing everything I can in this short span and just doing what I want. It’s quite freeing. When the suicidal OCD got bad my NOCD therapist helped me through it, I genuinely thought I was going to become suicidal but the “maybe maybe not” helps a ton!! I would never recommend that to someone that is actually suicidal but telling yourself that it’s possible that the depression will cause you to become suicidal and sitting with that anxiety is key!

username255

Date posted: 3y

sometimes it’s hard for people with OCD to understand the difference when it comes to being suicidal and suicidal OCD. it wouldn’t fear us if we didnt think it was real or felt real. sometimes i even get nervous if i’m actually suicidal or if it’s my OCD. but i always remind myself if i have to even question it, i know they’re just unwanted thoughts. the way i look at it is if i could completely get rid of these suicidal intrusive thoughts would i be happier and less anxious? yes 100%. the thought itself is distressing. as to someone with actual ideations they see pleasure in that for their situation. they dont really care to get rid of the “suicidal thoughts” ITSELF. just the pain that led to that last resort.

Lil OCD Vert

Date posted: 3y

@username255 Completely agree 100%. This theme will still pop up from time to time for me, with way less severity in anxiety, but yes it took me so long to even agree with the thoughts out of fear that me saying “maybe, maybe not” meant that I was accepting this and would go through with it, it’s such a tough theme

username255

Date posted: 3y

@Lil OCD Vert yes it is! also love your username lil uzi the goattt

Lil OCD Vert

Date posted: 3y

@username255 Thank you! he’s goated 😎

mandiocd

Date posted: 21w

Existential ocd help please.

m at the point where every night I contemplate going to the ER for my terrible thoughts. For the past 2.5 years I’ve been struggling with extremely bad existential ocd/nihilism. One day I woke up and had a nihilistic thought and since that day I’ve had severe nihilistic and suicidal thoughts. I truly don’t wanna do anything because in the end we die. In the end life is meaningless because we die. I feel almost delusional bc these thoughts feel true. Anything I do my brain goes “why are you doing this? It’s not gonna matter” I’m getting married in June and I don’t feel anything. I don’t wanna do anything. I don’t care to. I have to quit my RN job at the hospital because of this terrible theme. I don’t see a point in anything. Life doesn’t make sense. Death terrifies me. And life feels meaningless. My life is ruined. I hate ocd I hate it.

Existential OCD

iLounge21

Date posted: 16w

ERP for Existential OCD?

Been struggling with existential OCD lately. Very hard to describe the thoughts/feelings, but it is a constant feeling of being stuck in my head. Like what is consciousness and where do I think from? Like I think it’s OCD, maybe it is maybe it isn’t. But if it is, what would be good ERP exercises? Just existing (lol)? And what would be my response prevention? I’m not even sure what mental compulsions I may be doing.

Existential OCD

Strezzy

Date posted: 7w

Existential OCD - anyone else relate?

My OCD has bounced around to a lot of different topics but my current spiral has been focused on existential dread - I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about my loved ones dying and not existing and about my own death and not existing anymore. OCD is trying to get me to find certainty in what happens after we die… and unfortunately I will NEVER be able to find certainty around this. This spiral started after the death of my beloved cat and then the almost death of my dog a week later. I think OCD attached to this idea that everyone and everything I love is going to die and I need to prepare myself for it and somehow KNOW what happens when someone dies. It’s panic inducing and really hard for me to sit with vs other OCD themes Ive had related to health, moral/hyper responsibility, etc. Anyone have this type of obsession around death of loved ones and how did you combat the intrusive thoughts and deal with the mental compulsions (rumination, avoidance, etc)?

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Existential and suicidal OCD

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