my POCD story

i have worked with children for 10 years. they are so important to me and my life. i think they are amazing. i know this is why OCD decided to target this and make me feel afraid of what i love and am good at and value in life. i have become so terrified of sexualizing or abusing a child, which is of course what my intrusive thoughts are about. some are verbal, others are visual. they are all horrible and panic inducing. my POCD was triggered by a movie i saw about a groomer/sexual predator. i also have PTSD from child abuse, some of which was sexual in nature. i became so scared of hurting a child the way i was hurt after seeing something similar onscreen, and started getting the intrusive thoughts. i googled my symptoms, and was able to book a call with NOCD almost immediately, and get diagnosed/educated/start ERP therapy. when POCD first struck, i had to miss work, i was vomiting and having panic attacks and unable to function, i couldnt look in the mirror, couldnt eat and got so thin, i looked awful because i couldnt groom properly, i abandoned my social life, i nearly resigned from my teaching position, almost took medical leave from my day job, (i was able to keep both jobs thanks to treatment), i could hardly leave my home, i was contemplating suicide, or contemplating leaving my working/social lives and moving back in with my abusive family and going on disability and never speaking to anyone ever again. every day was anguish and horror and pain. now, just 1 month of meds and ERP later, I am able to eat, socialize, take care of myself, go to work, have a will to live, and recognize that these thoughts are not representative of who I am, want, or believe. I am doing so much better, it is shocking. a couple of my friends know about my POCD and have been so amazing and caring and accepting--i could not be healing the way i am without them either. i feel incredibly lucky to have found the help that i have. I still cry multiple times every day and fall victim to the thoughts. they are just so difficult to "accept." but i am getting there. day by day, i improve, but sometimes it is like two steps forward and one step back. it is all still so distressing. it's been helpful to focus on living my values and not letting OCD stop me from doing what's good and important for me. this includes working with kids and being around my friends, two things that terrified me in the beginning. i live with so much shame, and feel like i have a horrible secret. this has been the worst thing i have ever been through. i hope to keep getting better and to surmount this entirely. i have hope now, which i have come to realize is invaluable. and i hope this gives you some too.

POCD

Username: auroramapleauroramaple

Date posted: 2y ago

My situation is very similar to yours and this was amazing to read so thank you! It’s so cruel that OCD goes after the things we love the most. So happy that you’re on the mend. ❤️

Username: anonymous567anonymous567

Date posted: 2y ago

im so glad and thank you so much!!

Username: pm1820pm1820

Date posted: 2y ago

Thanks for sharing 🤍 this gives me hope that one day I'll be able to move forward

Username: anonymous567anonymous567

Date posted: 2y ago

i am so glad ❤️

Username: JB1020JB1020

Date posted: 2y ago

Sorry you're dealing with POCD. It can be truly awful. So glad you found the right help quickly and are recovering. Remember, there is *always* hope... as long as we're here, still kicking, there is hope! Keep going. It won't be a straight line, but you *will* win. And over time, you'll lose the shame. Thoughts are not life, thoughts don't inflict trauma on others. Action is life, actions are what impact others. The fact that you have been sexually abused as a child and are now overcoming POCD as an adult, while working daily with kids shows *unbelievable* strength & resolve.

Username: anonymous567anonymous567

Date posted: 2y ago

this is such a kind message. thank you so much.

Username: luckydawgluckydawg

Date posted: 2y ago

Sending you so much love! I struggle with this too. I used to like being around kids, then I started, all of a sudden, finding them annoying. I don't know why, I'm only 22 so it could be a selfish phase. I can't even tell you how much that has worsened my POCD, telling me I only don't like being around kids because I wouldn't be able to control myself, when that is a big OCD lie. It's hard to accept that I don't like kids anymore and it's not due to my POCD.

Username: anonymous567anonymous567

Date posted: 2y ago

it's so important to remember that it's a lie! sending love to you too!

Username: luckydawgluckydawg

Date posted: 2y ago

@anonymous567 - You're such a genuine person. So glad you're recovering, it's what you deserve. xx

Username: kleigh21

Date posted: 2y ago

Hi everyone! I just wanted to share a little about my story and where I'm at now in my life after the help of NOCD. At 17 years old I started having my Pocd thoughts and I was absolutely terrified! I didn't want to get out of bed, eat, or do anything at all. I was constantly like that for almost two years, daily I depended on my compulsions to be able to get up and do things, little did I know the compulsions were just making me much worse. Thankfully I had someone refer me to NOCD, and I had an amazing therapist. I was pregnant and really struggling so hard to become better before my baby arrived. My therapist helped and worked with me so hard and tremendously, I couldn't thank her enough she was amazing! Now I'm able to take care of my child my OCD is so mild and I get to live the best life I can. If you're feeling lost, or hopeless please get help through NOCD. It is absolutely a life changing therapy. Have faith, stay strong because you too can overcome your OCD!❤️ if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.

Username: Leaff

Date posted: 2y ago

Feels like POCD just won’t go away

I’ve struggled for POCD for years, since I was 17 and I’m 22 now, about to be 23. I had other obsessions, HOCD being the second worst, but now even that doesn’t bother me anymore. When I developed POCD it was a very traumatizing day. I was just figuring out that I had OCD and researching pure O OCD and saw POCD listed underneath the types of obsessions. I was so freaked out by the possibility of that that I developed it. I ended up spiraling into a panic attack and watched videos on YouTube that had children in them in order to try and prove that I didn’t have POCD. But of course that just made it worse. I went to therapy and did ERT which made it a lot better, but even back then I was still uncomfortable talking about my groinal responses and false attraction responses so I don’t think I fully treated it. I was able to be fine for a long time, years, of me being able to be okay with dealing with POCD even when It popped up. It mainly only bothered me when I saw children in media for some reason but not in real life. Now it’s just both Oh and I’ve been a summer camp counselor since I was 15, so I’ve worked with kids every summer. I think POCD is especially difficult for me because I’ve always enjoyed working with kids and it deeply scared me.😭 It wasn’t until last summer that I started to notice it being more difficult to deal with again. Then I went through a rough patch in my life and since then it’s been way worse on and off again. I will go through the motions of feeling like “okay I’m just gonna think maybe, maybe not. I don’t care, I know myself so I’ll be fine. I’m a great person. I can handle this.” To something actually triggering me and me feeling this intense and gripping feeling of anxiety, like a sinking pit in my stomach and then it’s so hard to turn away from. I’ve tried doing ERT on my own but as soon as I stop I always feel like I move backwards. I just don’t know if I can ever move past this like I have with my other obsessions…it is so haunting and has traumatized me more than once. I’m working on seeing an OCD therapist, most likely through the NOCD app. So I am planning to do that as soon as I can, I just feel so frustrated right now…I’ve kept being triggered the past 2 weeks and I just want it to leave me alone. I don’t want to think about these things. I just want to focus on living my life. It’s so annoying and awful, and it makes me feel sick and so uncomfortable. It’s like telling someone to stop but they won’t; my brain just won’t stop even though I want it to. And my intrusive thoughts are paired with images, so it’s also like having something awful shoved in my face that I can’t turn away from because it’s in my mind. I just really felt the need to vent some of my feelings out…I’ve been going through a rough time again, had a lot of stress over college exams & projects, had a misunderstanding with my partner, got a random tooth pain, and also got screwed over on said project by my team members giving me awful scores for no reason. So yeah it’s just been rough 😔I will be going to the dentist soon. Ugh just so many bad things are happening and OCD just makes it feel worse. Sometimes I think what if the universe is punishing me for having POCD? Then I try to remember to be kind to myself instead. If you’re dealing with this you’re not alone ❤️

Username: Twelve Squir...

Date posted: 1y ago

Recovering from POCD

I've been struggling with this theme for almost a year and it's been hell. I was at my lowest and even considered suicide. It all felt so real and I felt like a monster. I had no clue what to do and honestly felt I was losing my mind, my innocence, and any chance of feeling normal and confident again. I remember finding out this was OCD and learned about different themes. This was P-OCD. Then everything clicked. My abnormal fear problems in my early life made so much sense. Even though I knew it was OCD, I wished it was a different theme. Anything but this, literally any theme but this. I never thought I would recover, but I am. These past couple of days I have been doing really well. I still have my moments where I feel the panic creeping in or recognize I just gave into some mental reassurance. But this is the most hope I've had in a long time. For those of us struggling with this theme in particular I promise it does get better. I know it feels like you've thought the unforgivable and your mind will never be the same. But is that such a bad thing to not be the same? I don't want to be the same, I want to be stronger than how I went into this. More knowledgeable, empathetic, and resilient. I want to let all of you know who struggle with this type of obsession that this in fact can get better! Please leave your P-OCD or sexual related OCD recovery stories in the comments along with any other helpful strategies (not reassurance) you've used to combat this. You are going to make it. It wants to kill you and wants you to push the button, you don't owe it that. You are worth so much more than what your brain is giving you, and if you need that reminder we are all here to remind you. ☀️

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

my POCD story

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community