I need to know!

I have been trying to form habits that help reinforce for me the view that love is action/commitment and not feeling. So for instance whenever ROCD is acting up or I'm not "feeling" loving or having doubts, I try to use that as my *stimulus* to consciously show love. Usually I'll walk over to her, hug/kiss and say "I love you", or text her something nice if we're apart. Sometimes it's asking if they need anything, or if I'm out I'll pick her up a latte or a treat. Sometimes it's asking how she's feeling, if there is anything bothering them that I could help with or just be a listening ear. The bigger/tougher ones are working on flaws in myself that I know bug her - such as procrastination. If there are outstanding tasks she's asked me to do or bigger stuff I've been putting off, a great way to show love (for me) is by sucking it up and apologizing for procrastinating and then getting it done. Start building a list and trying some out. If you are able to use ROCD as a stimulus to perform acts of love then you are consciously and directly attacking OCD's premises - that we don't know what love is, that we don't "feel" right, etc... We are acting out in the real world that we are operating on a different definition, and that action trumps thought. Jonathan Haidt and others talk a lot about "passionate" love (or what some might call infatuation) vs. "companionate" love. Usually (always?) it's impossible to keep the "high" of that early passion, and some studies show that the feelings or dopamine levels associated with that wear off 4-5 years into a relationship. Viewing love as action is the key to the long-term in my humble view, it is the key to building that "companionate" love as we support each other. The only way to do this is to *do* it. Have conversations, support each other, try to make sacrifices, make life decisions together, buy gifts for each other, treat each other well, prioritize each other, share hopes/fears, etc... One reason I think this works is it cultivates gratitude, which can be a very powerful dynamic in humans. If both sides keep putting the work in, you can look back and reflect for how much one person has done for you. In my own case, she stayed with me despite hiding my OCD for years and eventually spiraling into a breakdown and a psych ward stay. I am so grateful for that, how many people would have walked away or judged me or been freaked out. That gratitude drives me, I want to make it up to her. It's also worth noting that in current Western culture, marriage is almost viewed as the end point - we "know" we have the right one and everything is perfect and so now we want to crystalize and make permanent that state. That is not *at all* how marriage has been viewed through much of history or in many religious contexts. Marriage is a *commitment* to love, not a declaration of "feeling". In many ways it is an acknowledgment that the "love" we currently have is young, lacking, wanting and stunted but we intend to grow it over time. I get married in August!

Great advice! @7710 I have the exact same feelings towards my spouse. It’s awful. Sometimes I feel so repulsed by him that I want to get away from him. Love is not a feeling though. I just hope and pray that giving to him and doing nice things for him will help. @JB1020 summed it up perfectly.

Your not wrong. Both my partner and I have mental issues. My partner’s is sometimes difficult to deal with but I’ve stuck by him for 11 years going on 12 on July 7th. I always pay close attention to my partner’s flaws more than my own sadly. I know like him I have alot of trauma I need to deal with. My partner told me out of everyone in his life I’ve been the one always there for him. My partner has been there for my mental illness too throughout the years. My partner does things to show he loves me like cooks me yummy dinners and buys me super yummy snacks! Also my favorite drink unsweetened tea 💗 We’ve both done things for each other. We have some issues and my partner is trying to change but can be difficult when I am stuck in my head a lot. We’ve both been deeply depressed too. So it’s difficult to be motivated to do anything. Both of our problems are procrastinating too. Like I said motivation is hard. ROCD has been stuck with me for about 10 years in our relationship. I don’t remember what it’s like to have a clear mind like everyone else does. I cry about it a lot. If I’m not thinking about my relationship my brain tends to steer me to something else like my car making noise or thinking about money problems. I cry alot sometimes there has been attempts that I just wanted to end it all twice. I hate my job bc of how boring it is and how I feel so under appreciated there. I just… I just hate it most of the time. When I do get actually happy someone ruins it and causes me to cry bc I was happy and was actually relaxed. My family being that person.

It’s so hard. Sending hugs your way. We got this. I also feel like I’m always obsessing about something. Sending hugs your way.

Also my husband has done and does so much for the family and he puts up with my ocd about him and eth and loves me so much anyways.

🥲💗