Why…

I’m new to this and trying to understand why I often feel stressed and overwhelmed by leaving the house to run an errand or see a friend. My boyfriend is an extrovert and I feel overwhelmed when I think of spending time with him because I know he wants to be out and about keeping busy. We live in NYC and lately the city is just too much for me - the noise, crowds, smells. I bailed on him today in a way I’m not proud of. He deserves to have a girlfriend that can and wants to keep up with him. I want to be that person, I want to WANT to do things. It’s so hard to know what is depression, what is personal preference, what is OCD, what is circumstantial, etc. I want to show up for my loved ones, I want to keep commitments, I want to get my errands done.

I try to make a life for myself that is enjoyable with things to look forward to, and I anticipate/look forward to these lovely plans (holidays with friends, festivals, concerts), then when I’m there it’s as though I am paralysed by my thoughts. It feels like a numbing, overwhelming dread that I’m not being in the moment, I’m not enjoying myself enough, that it’s showing to others and I’m impacting their experience through my non verbal/moody exterior. The only thing I can liken it to- as with the majority of obsessions- is like when you’re trying to read something and you’re concentrating so much on trying to concentrate that you’re not even fully taking in what you’re reading. I leave these things with an immense amount of regret and guilt, and each time I swear I’m going to remember this feeling and do my best to allow myself to enjoy it next time. Then when it happens again, I feel even more annoyance and guilt. Today I feel genuinely awful, I can’t stop crying. I’ve talked about it in therapy, though my therapist wants to unpack whether there is truth to these thoughts and I think that makes it worse. She has suggested that maybe I just don’t enjoy these things and to think about what I would enjoy doing instead. But everything I do is an extension of my interests, I’m not being untrue to myself. I adore my friends, I love music, I love travelling- all my plans exercise that. It’s really hard to convey that they are completely irrational obsessions, I am aware how irrational they are, but I can’t stop letting it win. Can anyone relate? Or advise on how to articulate this in therapy?

I always feel like i’m waiting for something. Like something is going to happen after I finish each task. Not always something horrible, sometimes it feels like I may be waiting for a reward. I’ll be at work all day and I’m just rushing through every. single. task. I’m rushing my bathroom breaks and my same 30 minute lunch but I get out at the same time each day. I rush to the lot and rush to get out of the lot and rush getting my things out. I know it’s anxiety but,,, sometimes I get so disappointed. What did I expect to happen,? I go home to my beautiful girlfriend in our cute little home everyday and I work to keep it all. Nothing is wrong with that and I’m happy but just,,, THATS what I was rushing all day for feeling like there was a gun held to my back,?? idk i cant explain ksksmdks