Anyone else not feel girly enough? I can remember growing up feeling uncomfortable trying to look cute and wear makeup. It was like I didn’t want the attention. Like I was scared boys would make fun of me. Makes me wonder if I was self conscious or I didn’t like being a girl. I feel good about being a girl now but I still don’t love being girly, like trying too hard to look cute.

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Today I woke up and immediately was flooded with intrusive thoughts. I was thinking about how I want to remembered when my time on earth is finished. I want to be remembered by my kindness and my heart. I want to be remembered by the lives i’ve changed. But then it hit me. What if you want to be a girl? What if you’re just telling yourself you don’t want to be a girl? I shouldn’t be scared, my family would love me no matter what I was. But this.. This is taking its toll on me. People call me maam all the time. I have feminine features and qualities.. It makes me question everything I know about my life. But I think what makes it worse is that i’m scared but don’t feel scared? Like I don’t feel intense fear like I once did. I know that I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want boobs or long hair and nails. I have feminine qualities but I just exist. And this morning it’s hitting me very hard. I hate TOCD. I hate that I can’t just have one moment of peace. That it finds ways to seep into my life by finding areas i’m weakest in. I read other people’s stories and kinda do checking with it. And to make it all worse my for you page is FILLED with trans tiktok’s and peoples experiences. It’s making me mad. Why can’t I just be happy? Like everyone else in my house? Why did I inherit this stupid fucking disorder? And why do I question everything single thing about myself. First it was fear I was going to hurt someone and be a monster. And now it’s fucking thoughts of me wanting to be a girl?? Anyways have a nice day guys.

I sometimes get in my head that my bf is limiting me? When he never has and I highly doubt he ever will. He wants me to go to school. He wants to be there for that. He wants me to dress confidently (but modestly around his parents, that’s more a me thing cuz I really want them to warm up to me). For some reason today it’s specifically about dyeing my hair?? Like a crazy colour or smthn (which I haven’t done since I was like. 10). “He doesn’t like crazy colours in hair HED hate it” ok? I also wouldn’t really like it at this point in time cuz I go with a nice copper colour that I love. And I’ve done that for the last couple years. Like yeah funky hair colours are fun but I don’t think I actually want them? How do I know if I actually do want them? I just like having highlights cuz I feel like I look a lot prettier when they’re done. I think the craziest I’d go now is like a deeper red than my copper like my friends lol. Idk I got super in my head cuz I saw a girl with her bf and she had pink streaks which looked really cool. It’s not that he wouldn’t let me it’s just he’s not a fan(he’s Muslim so, makes sense tbh. His mom does want him to dye his hair cuz he’s graying lol), and I grew out of it. It was fun when I was 10. Honestly if I wanted to have colourful hair again I’d get those chalk ones or that hairspray at Halloween stores lol. I don’t want anything permanent. I like the predictable nature of how my hair fades Yeah weird thing to obsess over. My bf has never been controlling of my looks and I’ve had no desire to really do anything out of the ordinary. It did make me anxious when he said it initially like a year ago but I haven’t really cared about it. Now I’m worried I’m ignoring some gut instinct lol. But I don’t think I have. I feel like me. I feel safe and happy. He loves how I dress. He loves the highlights (I’m pretty sure). Idk I’ve never had an urge lately to try to dye my hair a crazy colour. Like “ooo pink streaks. Im doing it” I like it but idk. It’s not my style. It hasn’t excited me in years. Idk if it’s cuz I’m depressed that I’m like meh(my depression scores haven’t been super high so I’ve been doing really well, even without meds) or if it’s just meh to me now. When I was a kid I had short hair lol now it’s down to the middle of my back. I’m still that weird kid who did dye her hair and loved sharks and dragons and would rather read than play at recess. The same girl who worked and worked to get to university and still loves theatre (yeah my bf got stuck with a theatre kid who can’t sing or dance, I’m a tech kid. It’s the first thing he told his sister lol). On the positive side, it’s our year and a half anniversary. We played roblox for a few hours cuz I’m 3 hours away rn. I also worry I’m not happy being a woman but I am. I’m not happy with how society treats women as a whole, but I wouldn’t change being a woman. I worry my smile isn’t genuine. I worry that the reason I feel so depleted is cuz I’m not who im supposed to be. But I have no desire, only stress thinking about being a man. I think the reason I’m so depleted is just general burnout from school (I’ve been in summer classes the last 4 months and planning how to run a club and looking for research opportunities. Yay pre med!) and also the state of the world. I don’t live in the USA but I feel unfathomable amounts of anger seeing what trump is doing. And seeing the atrocities in Gaza and Syria knowing my bf’s heritage lies in those places feels. Upsetting. I think I’m just generally tired of being a human, not being a woman. I love being a woman honestly. I’ve always been tomboyish so maybe that’s where the panic lies