Struggling with ROCD and anxiety about my engagement; anyone relate?

ROCD onset at engagement

Hi all! Curious if anyone else has been similar to my story? ROCD has set in majorly once I talked to my partners parents about proposing, and even got a ring. I had never been diagnosed with OCD before this moment, but it makes sense with a string of my past relationships where I suddenly “lose feelings” after nonstop doubts. After starting this process, I suddenly went through non-stop compulsions, calling everyone I knew who loved me asking if the relationship was right, ruminating endlessly, asking myself why I suddenly felt so much anxiety, and that it must be a sign our relationship isn’t right. Started reflecting back on our entire relationship, remembering moments I felt uncertain, and wondering if they were all signs I needed to break up earlier and didn’t, even though most of our relationship has been full of trust, vulnerability, love, etc. It led to a major depressive episode, where I lost 15 pounds in 2-3 weeks. I started taking Luvox a couple weeks ago, and am doing ERP for the last couple of weeks (though really struggling with it to be honest, because I feel like I constantly cave to ruminations). Currently, my biggest struggle is the thought that occurs that tells me “you two don’t like to do anything together, and you are so different in your interests. You don’t know how to talk to her.” Even though 2 years of our relationship has revealed that we certainly are very different, it didn’t mean we didn’t know how to spend time together, or know how to talk together. But after weeks of that thought happening, I’m finding I feel like I’m almost manifesting it and allowing it to become true. We had a Friday night with no plans where we just got to be together and walk around and spend time, which should be lovely, but I was anxious the whole time and felt like I couldn’t talk or relate. I’m also noticing I’m suddenly questioning if I’m attracted enough to my partner. It feels like I’m self-sabotaging this relationship I’ve had for two years which has been stable, trusting, and encouraging, and I don’t know how to get back to where I was and just feel better, not be overcome with anxiety and fears, and just be confident, and not spiral into “we don’t have anything to enjoy in spending time together, so you need to break up and end this.” This ROCD stuff is no joke. Very excruciating. It’s made me feel like I have to break up, even though I’ve wanted to get engaged. Anyone else had similar situations? I just feel so guilty, because she’s been so excited, and I feel like I’m not able to love her the way she really deserves.

Relationship OCD

Username: 🐙🐙

Date posted: 2y ago

I want to give you the biggest hug because I have experienced literally everything you just wrote and I know how excruciating it is. I am so sorry you are experiencing this too, but know you are absolutely not alone. My ROCD set in as soon as my now-husband and I got engaged to one another. We are now married, and I am still experiencing it. ERP has helped and I had 6 months of being almost symptom-free, but I have been in a rough patch lately. My obsessions also are so focused on us not having enough common interests and feeling like we don’t have enough to talk about. My advice is to just try to sit with that discomfort, just feel it and don’t ruminate on your thoughts about it. I know it’s sooooo much easier said than done. I also have experienced so much guilt. Sending you love. ❤️❤️❤️

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Wow. Just so incredibly helpful to hear I’m not alone in it, even to the point of specific obsessions. Obviously, I go through the “is it actually OCD, or is it just it’s not a fit and I’m finally realizing it?” Also, particularly helpful to hear you did end up getting married. I’ve been dealing with not only that guilt, but also the shame and self-blame, feeling like I can never get married, despite how close I now I am. I appreciate your advice and encouragement. And thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. To know the specificity with which you shared is encouraging to me, even if it doesn’t make the process easier. I really appreciate it.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous *That guilt is the guilt related to wanting to be excited and celebrate this season, but being so consumed with “maybe I don’t actually love them” thought spiral, that has been on replay so much that I don’t know where the feelings have gone.

Username: 🐙🐙

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous I relate completely. Having ROCD and constantly feeling like you need to evaluate your relationship makes the feelings feel like they disappear. I would recommend trying not to look for feelings of love or “check” if they’re there, because it becomes compulsive, and honestly, you probably won’t feel it. Having this form of OCD makes it hard to feel it when you’re in a big OCD spike. I also felt so guilty when we were getting married—my partner was soooo excited and meanwhile I was just being terrorized in my brain by “what ifs” so I couldn’t feel excited. I know it’s hard, but try to have compassion with yourself. You are not a monster or bad person for feeling this way (that’s how I feel when I’m at my worst). Unfortunately we have a mental disorder that sets off the “red alert” signal too frequently.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@🐙 Thank you so much. Yes, “monster” and “bad person” are definitely two terms I label myself as when in this state. I really appreciate all your words. Thank you for sharing.

Username: baldyojbaldyoj

Date posted: 2y ago

yeah I have ROCD and I can relate. ocd amazes me and terrifies how it's destroying and sabotaging relationships. it's like self-fulfilling prophecy sometimes. erp must help

Username: thebigsleepmilkshakethebigsleepm...

Date posted: 2y ago

hey, I started Luvox 2 weeks ago. Do you feel like it helped you? I haven’t noticed a change yet tbh

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Not much change yet. But I know it usually takes 4-6 weeks to really begin to start sensing some effects mentally (or that’s at least what my psychiatrist told me), so I’m planning to hang in there with it. I did gain my appetite back though, which was a big thing for me. I also had a ton of nausea with the dose I started at, so I had to cut back a bit on mgs to a really low dosage, but I’ve just reupped it to my original dose. So hopefully that will help.

Username: queenvic

Date posted: 5y ago

Hi all - so over a period of nearly eight years, I have experienced intense ROCD (relationship OCD) with my partner. Last week we got engaged, this wasn't a huge surprise as we were talking about it for months in advance. My intrusive thoughts tend to flare up really badly in times of change, even positive change. When we graduated university, when we moved to our flat, and when I started my job are all times I've had flare ups so the fact that I'm having another flare up now shouldn't have come as a shock - but I'm finding it so hard to cope with. The night of our engagement, after about five mins of initial anxiety from the shock, I was on cloud nine and couldn't wait to tell friends and family and begin planning our wedding. However, the next day, the rumination began. "Have I made a terrible mistake, do I really love him, am I just settling, everyone is so happy for us but I'm faking my emotions, if we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together I should be happy, not anxious, etc." this has totally ruined our first week of what should be the happiest time of our lives. There are zero red flags in our relationship, in fact, the night before we got engaged I remember thinking to myself that I had honestly never been happier. I'm super lucky in that my partner knows about my anxiety, is so thoughtful, and has been constantly reassuring me that all will be well, we've been here before countless times and have always come through. My parents and best friends have also been super supportive as they know what my triggers are, and I've had some lovely messages from them. I'm looking for good coping mechanisms for how to deal with the thoughts and stop putting pressure on myself, as I'm currently stuck in that horrid cycle of endless reassurance and spikes and it's doing me no good at all. Can anyone who has ever been in a similar situation help? X

Username: Butterfly_23

Date posted: 1y ago

ROCD

General statement/question for anyone who can possibly relate: I've been struggling with ROCD for about 3 months now, the typical "do I actually love him", "what if I don't and I'm just leading him on", "why don't I feel connected any more, this must mean something is wrong with us", "planning the future makes me anxious because we might break up"...the list goes on. I've been especially struggling these past few days. I want a big future with this man and I've never second guessed it until all these intrusive thoughts have come into my life with a bang. I hate them. I feel so emotionally drained and incapable of enjoying the moments I have with him because I'm constantly thinking about the things missing. The fact I struggle to stay present. As we all probably know the age old reassurance after an anxiety inducing thought- I do this fairly often, googling my thoughts and why I'm feeling this way. I am so beyond exhausted. I know I want to marry this man and a future with him isn't scary, it's just significant moments that trigger me and suddenly I'm spiring into the OCD cycle again. I just want to know other people feel the same? I've been feeling so flat and disconnected from everyone, especially him which breaks my heart. I know I love him, so deeply - even writing that my brain said "are you sure you do?". I just want to see if other people experience ROCD similar to me. Thanks

Relationship OCD

Username: Alex0729

Date posted: 1y ago

Help! ROCD

Me and my Fiancé get married in 3 months. We have been together for almost 3yrs now. I started dealing with OCD and different subtypes around Mid 2022 without knowing it was OCD. (Im not officially diagnosed btw) Because I didn't know it was OCD for a long time all i did was confess and confess to my Fiancé, mainly things about my past some from my distant past and some from my more recent past. Eventually my OCD switched themes and all of sudden now i was having intrusive thoughts. Present intrusive thoughts that's when I learned about ROCD and I immediately felt identified. Anyways i was barely learning about compulsions and how to resist them so i was still not doing good regarding my confessions and i began to now confess my intrusive thoughts. Afterwards as OCD usually does i started obsessing over the most trivial things in my past, i started dealing with Real Event/False Memory OCD I confessed about that too. All the way to present time. I have gotten better at resisting my main compulsion which is confessing, yet i still fail from time to time. What has happened now is that my Fiancé is getting affected. She is the most patient, supportive & kind woman i have ever met. She is literally an angel from heaven and has been by my side through my/our darkest times. However lately she hasn't been feeling well. Due to our economical situation we've decided to move back to my hometown after the wedding. This is difficult for her of course because she has to leave behind. Family, Friends, her job and basically what has been her whole life till now. The thing is that she tell's me that all of that would be easier if she knew she was giving it up for something that's gonna last and she feels like my constant confessing and my intrusive thoughts is just me secretly telling her that I'm not sure about being with her. Keep in mind, she knows about my ROCD, I've explained it, we've read articles together, watched videos about it together. Even then she tells me to try to look at things from her side and how its not easy for her to deal with this change in her life and feel like she has to keep us together as well. I've also felt like OCD has changed who i am. I used to be confident, positive, spontaneous, detailed and romantic. Now all my energy seems to be focused on just getting through the day with my thoughts. So I understand that she hasn't been feeling swooned lately. Specially after so much time of me being the amazing boyfriend. I guess what im trying to figure out is how to deal with all of this. How do i deal with my ROCD and support my Fiancé at the same time. How can I reassure her i love her and that I don't have any doubts about being with her depsite what i feel or think. I don't mind my OCD hurting me or torturing me. But not her, i just want her to be happy. If anyone is going through something similar or has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Life is so hard.

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Struggling with ROCD and anxiety about my engagement; anyone relate?

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