18+ I’m not doing well today at all…

My anxiety is through the roof. I keep having horrible scary thoughts about my self and related to my themes and I feel like I should give up and I don’t want to I just want the pain to stop 💔 How could I have been so stupid when I was younger? How did I not know any better when I should have? I hate myself. It was years ago but because of a stupid tickling fetish I had as a teenager 15+ and the things I’ve come across that were considered innocent and not sexual at all (and I pray to God it wasn’t considered the really bad thing people with POCD fear most because I wasn’t seeking it out at all and I never will it was a fetish I came across on ifunny or whatever which is a meme app with memes and gifs and little videos that were totally innocent and would be considered “cute” or “normal” by a normal person) and I never looked at it in a sexual way it was about the fetish or reactions I don’t even know anymore. But because at the time I was addicted to masturbation and the fetish was apart of that because to me it wasn’t about the people in any of the memes or whatever it was about the fetish which doesn’t make sense I guess is the way to put it I’m scared to death of what that means. I pray to God everyday it wasn’t equivalent to what a monster would of done and that I’m not a really horrible person who did something immoral. I never wanted to be that kind of person and I definitely don’t now. I’m a good hearted person with so much love in my heart. I never hurt anyone and I never will but because of the stupid dumb teenager I used to be and the stupid fetish I used to have because I was curious I guess when I was young I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I’m just venting not looking for reassurance. Please be understanding. No one ever answers my posts I just need to get it out. I’m heartbroken I can’t get passed this no matter what my therapist or even my mom has told me. To let it go and forgive myself and to stop punishing myself. I can’t do it. I feel like I don’t deserve good things or to be happy but yet if a friend came up to me and told me the same thing I would be there for them but when it comes to me it’s so easy to hate and bash myself even though I was young and didn’t know. If someone could help me find a way to do ERP for this I would appreciate it. I’m at the end of my rope here. I can’t keep calm today 💔

Godislove

Date posted: 3y

Hi, I just wanted to tell you I am thinking about you and will pray for you. Although people may not answer your posts, please don’t think that they don’t care. My daughter for instance, read your post, but she can’t comment because it triggers her. (I know it may sound strange that she realized the absurdity of her POCD thoughts tonight once she read your post, but yet she can’t make a comment.) Your story makes total sense to me…my daughter’s POCD story is similar…seeing something innocent when younger, and connecting it to self-gratification, then hyper focusing on it years later. She actually had me read your post because she was astounded by the similarities. My daughter too is a Christian who is extremely loving! The different though, is that she no longer thinks of herself as a monster. Yes, she still has POCD, but she no longer is suicidal , and she is happy and can participate fully in life again. Her counselor doing ERP and Zoloft helped her. If your counselor hasn’t come up with a way to do ERP for your situation, you need to find a new counselor! It is unfortunate, because I don’t want my comment to get deleted, so I can’t share the phone number of someone who could help you. But in addition to an ERP-focused OCD therapist, READ UP on the latest research on alternative therapies. Anything that calms the nervous system can help. You may need to wait until you are in a better state of mind if you are too upset to try them now. The following examples ARE NOT suggestions…they are just showing how there are new treatments out there. For example, transcranial magnetic stimulation and ketamine infusions (this one needs to be THOROUGHLY researched before making a decision on!) There are many more! Find success stories to give you hope. But always seek out help….keep searching and you will find light at the end of the tunnel. Just don’t give up… Even if you need inpatient therapy, do it. NO MATTER WHAT, keep going !!!! Why? Because I can tell you firsthand that God isn’t done transforming you and it is well worth the wait to see the rest of your story, and how beautiful your soul becomes. (I tried committing suicide 25 years ago, and I am SO glad I didn’t succeed !) Last thing…experts have found that OCD is strongly linked to mitochondrial issues. I have mitochondrial disease, and I have two children with OCD, so that makes sense. The solution is simply taking supplements that support the mitochondria. My children don’t take them, because I JUST got diagnosed, and they want to see how I do on the supplements before they start. The dosages are huge… nothing like you would read about on a regular supplement website, so you should get a doctor’s guidance. I hope somehow my comments will help you. God bless you!!! Goodnight, and I will start praying for you right now!! ❤️🙏

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

Thank you so much for this. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. I appreciate that you are willing to help your children. I didn’t have any support from my mom at all. She didn’t believe me when I told her I had OCD she immediately thought the worst and said some really mean things that will stick with me forever she’s doing better with being more understanding but anyways that’s besides the point. Your daughter is not alone. I’ve been dealing with POCD for about 3 years now and I’ve come so far. Unfortunately real event ocd is my worst theme but I’m hoping that one day I will get to find peace and freedom again. Thank you for your prayers I truly appreciate it. God bless you 🙏🏻

Evelyn444

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

I was addicted to masturbating and porn when I was 15 and I know how you feel. But know, everyone goes through intrusive thoughts and non intrusive thoughts. No matter what they are. Our minds make up anything and everything. And at 15, we were still kids, our minds were still developing. Everyone’s brain has bad and good thoughts. Try not to label them though. They are just thoughts. Intrusive or not. Stay strong. I’m here if you need anything.

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

That’s the problem. They weren’t thoughts. It was a real event not false memory

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

I’m not sure you understood what I mentioned above. I didn’t develop OCD or deal with intrusive thoughts until years later. It had nothing to do with that at the time. Lack of knowledge and understanding as a teenager up until I was maybe 19 or 20 yes but it had nothing to do with OCD at the time. It does now because I struggle with Real Event OCD trying to find proof in that memory that I’m some sort of horrible person that needs to be taken care of or I need to give up. That’s what I’m dealing with. Is the fact I’m punishing myself now for what I didn’t know back then and I should have and I feel so guilty and stupid for it

BigGyro09

Date posted: 23w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

HOY

Date posted: 20w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 18w

Horrible, feeling anxious.

Hey guys. I feel like no one will even reply to my post. I feel anxious af. I could barley eat a plate of soup. I feel so drained and fatigued and feel the anxiety in my stomach. I'm just so worried I don't even have harm ocd anymore. Its just... I grew up in a household where swatting people was normalized like if you did something really naughty. I never really questioned it and I grew up thinking it was an okay thing and would sometimes swat someone when they are being naughty growing up and even recently. I would never swat someone at full force or enough to make someone cry just more like a hard tap to get their attention but it feels automatic? And even then it's really really rare for me to do, i much rather talk sternly or tell someone. When i do swat its bc like if someone scared me I guess I hit their hand and say "THAT SCARED ME" and we both start laughing or if my older niece was roughhousing with her younger sister and the younger one gets hurt and the older one laughs, I swat the older one once or twice on her arm as a discipline and say "what is wrong with you??? Why are you laughing? You are much older than her! You could've seriously hurt her." And idk how but i never thought like how wrong this is?!... and I feel like sh/t like ocd keeps saying "well you have swatting impulses when someone is misbehaving or if someone scares or hits you, meaning if you get an impulse to do something really evil instead, you wouldnt be able to control yourself huh?" And I started to get so anxious and scared. Ive NEVER acted out on the harm ocd thoughts (nor do i even want to) ive been getting daily for 4 years even when they are misbehaving. But i get so scared like WHAT IF I get an impulse to do the evil thoughts? What if I lose control?! Is this a history of violence/ low impulse?! Does this mean i would act out on my fears?! I've never wanted to do these thoughts before but i get scared like what if I do one day? This whole day ive been ruminating and asking ai for reassurance. I feel terrible. I feel like a horrible person. I started to cry. I just cant anymore. I feel this weight on my chest. I feel so evil so irredeemable. I f/cking suck. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so much guilt and shame. Why am I still here anymore? Maybe i dont even have ocd and maybe i never did. This is just breaking my heart. I want to change and unlearn this swatting behavior as well for sure. :(

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18+ I’m not doing well today at all…

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