Just venting. Need to get stuff off my chest

I’m lost, I’m exhausted, I’m angry. Keep askin myself why do I intentionally trigger my thoughts or think about a deragatory word when I get upset or create false narratives in my mind and feel my mouth moving a certain way when I do? Was I ever really in love w/ my ex or did I just feel sorry for her and wanted to help her when she needed someone the most? Why am I so fixated on her appearance? And always at the end of the month my feelings for her heighten then when I’m not about to start my period. I feel numb and feel like I don’t care as much. Why is it that you find someone that understands you more than you understand yourself and is so kind, gentle, understanding and everything aligns , but their appearance? But then I tell myself it shouldn’t matter/ it doesn’t matter, but my OCD fixates on their physical. It’s about how they make you feel and my ex made me feel heard and seen and always put me before her. My ex’s birthday was yesterday and I’m feeling a lot of guilt because I didn’t wish her a happy birthday. I know people have different opinions on wishing your ex a “happy birthday” or not but the reason why I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna lead her on. I didn’t wanna give her false hope cause I’m still tryna figure out how I feel. Apart of me wanted to because I just wanted to show her I’m thinking about her and wanted her to have a good birthday, but I didn’t wanna be selfish and have her think about me while she’s out having fun. I know when things start to fall apart and there’s nothing but Chaos, it’s god trying to test you but to also put your faith in him during frusterating times. When my ex and I were in a relationship I didn’t always put her first. I know I exhausted her and stressed her out and I regret that. I’m not perfect, I’m trying to better myself. We all know you can’t change the pass, but I wish I knew what I knew now vs what I new then. But I also tell myself that I did my best I could at the time. At the time, I wasn’t even aware of “flare ups.” Instead of snapping a her when I had an instrusive thought, I couldn’t just said…”hey I’m having a flare up. I need a min.” Something as easy as that, but again I didn’t know at the time. I just remeber the thought was triggering me so much it made me depressed and I didn’t know how to explain my thoughts to her. I read this quote that said, “someone’s effort of affection is how they feel about you.” I shouldn’t have read that because it got in my head. My OCD was telling me “you didn’t care to say happy birthday to her. She knows you don’t care about her.” I wish I didn’t have OCD and I’m sure yall feel the same way. Maybe my ex and I will never get back together, maybe she’ll move on and find better, maybe we’ll find eachother again. I pray to god. I know he’s listening and watching over me always. And yes I do see my therapist 2 times a week and I’ve told her this stuff. We are doing ERP, but I thought I would’ve made more progress than what I have been making. Small progress is progress tho. But anyways I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone here can relate ?

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?