Hocd feels way to convincing. Am i alone here?

On quora i read stories of women and felt like i related to it all pls help me this woman’s article where she knew she was straight and then in her 20’s became wanting to look like a particular women and then exploring and wanting to be with and is the happiest being a in a relationship with a women . What if my relationship with guys don’t work out because of this what if it never was supposed to be guys.. which is why u have never dated or stopped feeling any attraction or never had at all?!? Also one as much as whats written here is true that is well what do i believe and what is the truth a lesbian and i have read differently here if its so easy then what guarantees do i have haven’t done anything with a guy in a long time what if I actually end up feeling nothing and all this is true?! How people say over its very easy to become a bi and all that?! Like looking at girls more than normal what do i do? I am panicking cause i know panic states ocd and i know even while i am writing this so how is it ocd and not denial pls pls help me the fact that I haven’t been with a guy in so long what do i know what happens people realise so late and also the fact and option of exploration what about that and people go and do that what do i tell myself want to watch unzip what?!? And added this what with exclamations cause i want people to tell me its ocd. On an insta page a straight women when at the age of 23 she decides to explore and then suddenly on dating apps matches with girls and comes in a relationship with one cause back in the day she used to notice girls more than guys and all the other girls told her she is lesbian and then on the app her all kinds of questions fly away when she matches with a girl and they get married its so humane and possible and with all the thoughts i have had in the past and her also mentioning she noticed women more and men less it feels so possible. And everything seemed like true and what’s happening to me i am so confused idk what to do.. I haven’t been diagnosed yet cause I can’t take therapy atm for various reasons and i fear what if the day i go they tell me its been denial always and i just was faking it and its not ocd and i end up accepting it and then there’s no going back. All of this is so scary. I think i am on the verge if giving in and losing it all there is no place back up from here. Its a ditch and i will keep falling into it never be the same again. Never like a guy again and all that back was fake. Cause on quora and even here all stories are like we explored cause before that they were all straight and then they ended up becoming something else. Feels like i am sliding into depression and denial how do i still tell myself its ocd when it starting to feel so real and they say sit with your thoughts and i do and they feel okay normal and what i want. The only thing i now think is what if all this and liking guys was fake and thats why it never worked cause it never was supposed to be guys and all of it was fake like in the stories of these women otherwise why would i relate to it and be like yeah it possible and yeah it okay cause its so similar to mine and i am not panicking about it i sit with the thoughts and if I accept it then what? All the past was a lie today is a lie everything i have told myself and others is a lie. Who am i ? What should i hold on to cause now there’s nothing everything i have read has told me its denial and not ocd and its way to convincing to not believe. I am so lost. Idk who i am or who i ever was. All i can think is i have had heath anxiety ocd which is a sub theme which makes me believe this could also be a theme otherwise all points in the different direction. And its so hard with this theme cause its so idk convincing feels real?!? Am i alone here.. ?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Hyewook

Date posted: 3y

I only read start and the end of your message, because I think I know what the content is and how much it might trigger me... So I don't know what they went through and it creeps me out to just imagine I would suddenly turn gay in my 25 years and leave my boyfriend that I wish to have a future with... So what I try to believe is this: 1. Sexuality doesn't change, ever! And I am trying to believe it is meant to be noticed in early age, no matter what everyone or mu thoughts says... With bisexuality it's a bit harder, because I don't know how they feel so I can just assume that they have a selection. And for those who turned in later years, they might have just concluded they've lost interest because they had the thought, believed it and stopped looking at opposite gender. Maybe it was more of their choice than the turn in sexuality. 2. Love is a choice more than a feeling. To tell the truth, I am losing hope sometimes, because everything is triggering, my eyes are more focused on women now, because I've kept checking myself for years, so they got used to it and I tense just from looking at pretty girl, sometimes I am scared to look at every girl, but I will fight this no matter what, because I remember that I didn't feel comfortable imagining life with a girl and cried my eyes out and trembled just imagining that a girl would touch me. However my thoughts got so inhabitated already, that I feel tense just hearing word "girl" I have also not been diagnosed with OCD, I just was obsessed over health, harm and relationship besides this, so I am scared it is not OCD, but it definitely started mild before I made it this big by reading every story I got my eyes on. I hope this helps a little.

Hyewook

Date posted: 3y

Also another thing that my sister always told me and I am trying to calm down even though it doesn't always help. Almost all women check out other women more than men, it's mostly comparison or checking dress, hairstyles, shoes and so on. I try to calm down at that, because I keep comparing myself, even if all those stories scare me.

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Hyewook Hey, thankyou so much for taking time out and replying to this. I know its hard with all the triggers but i feel like i am in this unending loop and it never gets better just feels way to real and convincing also with the few childhood same sex experiences and my dreams sometimes it just gets way to easy to believe and sometimes i do for a sec and idk what to feel cause its so convincing.

Hyewook

Date posted: 3y

@Brave through Honestly this all "Sexuality can change over time" is sooo scary! I wish this wasn't the case. (Sorry if it's hateful)

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Hyewook And with you at least you still tense up feel the anxious in the 3 years i have had this i have now come to no anxiousness which makes me question everything way way more than normal and as you mentioned early years they would have known early years i might have had same sex experiences and I don’t remember how i felt or how i feel? What should i take that as? I am sorry but i am so confused and lost it feels like i am losing every day

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Hyewook No, you are right it is which makes it harder for people like us going through ocd. Cause it makes us question all that more

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Hyewook Also, I have this fear what if i go to the therapist he tells me to think stuff or write stuff about what i think or watch movies like this and I don’t feel anything nothing triggers me and i might even for a second may like it then he or she will just tell me its not ocd and you were always in denial cause you didn’t panic

Hyewook

Date posted: 3y

@Brave through Well, my mind started showing me some images from past and it freaked me out, because it adjusted my feelings. What I've read in one article is that HOCD can make you question your past, but it lies. It doesn't matter what OCD tells you that you felt or thought about in the past. Because you know it then and you didn't question your sexuality at the time. I am scared that the thoughts will get overhelming and persuade me to be lesbian, but I just don't want to and don't feel that way about women.. I don't know, my sister said she sometimes drools at photos of one influencer because she is perfect 😅 And I don't, I just don't feel interested, just envious and hopefully never will get interested in same-sex bodies

Hyewook

Date posted: 3y

@Brave through Yeah, I am scared of doing ERP and I just talk with my therapist. He said he can't define my orientation for me, you are the only one who can label themself. I try to tell myself "I want to identify as hetero all my life" and I want to be stubborn about that, because I love my boyfriend so much that only idea of losing him makes a hole in my heart.

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Hyewook I understand i am going through the same thing sometimes i feel like an imposter and i feel like i don’t know myself or living a lie with all thats running it takes so much to not engage in these thoughts and so much to actually engage too..

Hyewook

Date posted: 3y

@Brave through Yes, my mind is so preocuppied with it that it acts as if heterosexuality didn't exist, but I believe that this will fade and I will be happily married to my current bf and never let him go 😇

Brave through

Date posted: 3y

@Hyewook I hope so.. 🙂i hope everything and everyone going through this gets better and keeps the hope of a life without ocd alive:)

Hyewook

Date posted: 3y

@Brave through Yes, there is still hope for us, because deep down we know what we want and are not ok with changing our sexuality. I sometimes even go as far as saying "I will be a pansexual then, if it would let me stay with him!" 😅

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