- Date posted
- 3y
I’m really worried about something
So I went on vacation about two weeks ago to the beach with my family including my 11 year old niece who at her age is much different than I was at 11. She wouldn’t leave the hotel without makeup on, she was saying she looked “dumb” or “stupid” every 5 seconds and was just so insecure which I understand but I was about 14 or 15 when I started caring about my appearance or started having insecurities. So I kept telling she looked fine nothing was wrong she didn’t need to wear makeup and act like a teenager because she’s not and trying to be a good role model for her but of course, OCD attached to that and made it worse. POCD is my worst theme besides another one and it attacks her a lot. She’s the only thing I have left of my brother because he passed away when I was 14 and I just want to be there for her because she has a very traumatic childhood. I want to be the aunt she can go to when she feels like somethings wrong and she has someone to go to who understands and gets it because I didn’t get that growing up by my mom. She shut down every emotion I had. If I was sad I got yelled at. If I was happy I would be looked at as being annoying. Later on I had a childhood stolen from me by trauma and I don’t want her to have to go through what she is going through alone because I know it all too well. So now 2 weeks later after vacation is over and I’m dealing with OCD flare ups again, I keep having very real feeling thoughts saying that I looked at my niece in a creepy way and that I was attracted and I know for a fact I was not. For some reason red is very triggering to me with pocd and she had a red swim suit top. I kept getting intrusive thoughts the entire time but at the time I was able to let them be. Now they are coming back stronger and I don’t know if it’s because I have more stress in my life than I did then a couple weeks ago or because I’m on my period (girly things). I don’t know but I’m scared to death because it feels so freaking weird the things my mind is trying to tell me and I don’t want it to be true. I’ve been dealing with pocd for about a couple years and I finally felt like I was finally starting to get to a place where I could handle it better and now I’m stuck again on these horrible icky intrusive thoughts, intrusive feelings or whatever they are and feel much worse because I feel like all my progress is gone and I’m back where I started. I really hope to God it’s not real because it feels real and it’s scary as hell 💔