Crime documentary on TV

Trigger warning!!! 18+ only!!! Mentioning of POCD and paedophilia. I watched a show about different kinds of prisons today. In one prison they interviewed a man who worked as a tutor to get access to children in order to rape them. That man seemed to have no problem with what he did. He said he had a talent to convince the children he raped, that they wanted it, too. He seemed content and totally fine, apart from complaining to be in prison longer, than he got sentenced, because he is still deemed dangerous. I can't wrap my head around how someone who did something so horrible can be so calm and content and okay with the crimes he committed, where as I beat myself up and hate myself for having POCD... I deep down know, I am not a paedophile, I deep down know, I never harmed a child in any way, but my OCD makes me feel like the monster that guy is... I really could have smacked the smug expression off his face, so disgusted had I been by his demeanour... Calling it a "talent" to be able to manipulate children like that... becoming a tutor for the sole purpose of harming children... How is it possible, that OCD sufferers have a heightened conscience, where even only 0.00000001% doubt is unacceptable? Where we have a heightened feeling of responsibility, even for things we have no control over / we can't influence? And other people, like that guy, commit the most horrendous crimes possible and seem to have no bad conscience and seem to not even feel the tiniest bit of guilty? Don't get me wrong, I'd rather feel guilty and horrible for the rest of my life, than being someone like him, even if being like him would mean no bad feelings anymore, but just the fact, that I feel horrible and he doesn't, really upsets me. Rant over...

POCD

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

The biggest takeaway from this is you would feel intense guilt whereas that heartless man would feel nothing for hurting the lives of children, even going as far as to manipulate them to like it. That's disgusting. I don't know someone can live with those actions and feel no guilt or no wrong. I on the other hand get intrusive thoughts about these things all the time and it makes me sick. That means something about us though. In a way I think it shows where our morals are as opposed to actual predators that don't care about the lives of innocent children

Zoë_84

Date posted: 3y

Yes, pretty disturbing... But I heard of paedophiles who don't want to act on their "desires", that made we scared, but I think, they are also different to POCD sufferers, as I am sure, they don't feel too bad about their thoughts and definitely not ruminate and do compulsions to feel better...

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

They may not feel bad about their thoughts because they may be desensitized from them. That sounds like a case by case thing. There could be a pedophile that acts on the thoughts but not on children and there could be those that just suffer from POCD and absolutely hate the thoughts and just hope they go away. They don't do the compulsions because they know it won't help them in the long run. I don't know how fair it is to say that people that get those horrible thoughts and feelings they don't want are pedophiles though. I do think it's case by case. There can even be people using POCD as a crutch to try and get away with those tendencies, which is very insulting and horrible toward those that do truly suffer from POCD.

Tireddd

Date posted: 17w

Seeing myself as a... Criminal?

Now i have been a little upset, and i just came across a post that asked people, "What's one of those things that people refuse to accept out of morality, but you believe to be true?" One of the most liked answers was: "Killing criminals should be legal", another answer said: "Imagine a carnage of p... To be in a better world where children don't suffer" I mean, i'm not advocating for those criminals, and in some ways i agree that the world would be better off without them, but my mind keeps assuming i'm already one of them and they're talking about me. It's torture. I don't know what to do or think, It's just that there's no point in "accepting that it could or could not be the fear in my mind", because if it's true, it would mean the most horrible thing in the world. That is, for ROCD, for SOOCD, yeah, it's that irrational and fault logic by definition. There is no shame in being gay, heterosexual or not, loving your partner or not is not a matter of live and death, but POCD doubt IS, i mean... Not only does it feel important, IT IS important for me and i would believe that for everybody, because that's a matter of hurting other people or not, it's a matter of ruining someone's live or not. I can't practice ignoring my mind, saying "ok, maybe", BECAUSE IT'S AN EXTRAODINARILY HORRIBLE TOPIC.

Givenup

Date posted: 9w

I feel like a terrible person (part 2)

What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... these real events were so extremely horrible and awful... i g4g and v0mit even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious...

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 7w

Distressed 18+

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

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Crime documentary on TV

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