18+

That's all really horrifying. That person you've been with is dangerous and shouldn't be allowed to do things like that. There was definitely grooming going on and they definitely hurt a lot of your character. I'm sorry for that. That isn't your fault though, I'm very glad you're out of that position in your life. If anything, the abuser should be in a jail cell with a sex offender registry. I'm glad I don't compulsively check to watch porn to see if I'm attracted to those things because I know that would make things much worse. I still have tons of shame due to my addiction though because of escalation. I began to see things that you've probably seen and I just wish I haven't. Just wish I knew what was happening at the time I guess, but I at least noticed that the addiction seriously wasn't helping me.

@BigGip09 Thank you so much, I am tearing up from your kind words. Thank you for understanding. I am glad too. You can let this guilt go, you're not that person anymore. You've changed, and anyone who thinks you're that mistake and that mistake only doesn't know you or is worth being around. Everyone makes mistakes.

@greenbean The only thing is it doesn't feel like a mistake. It was something that went on since I was 13 and it the wild habits stopped around 18. I didn't really get myself together until that point. I just don't know how to let it go so easily. It always crosses my mind and I can't help but use it as proof of who I am though I don't want it to be this way. It was never something in my morals but it just took over completely. Nobody should ever blame you for what had happened to you. It would be absolutely disgusting if they did. I'm really glad you aren't in that point of your life anymore and you're free.

@BigGip09 I am glad, because you are too. Mistakes are not always one time occurances sometimes their periods of time. You were just a kid. I was abused 11-18 and exposed to stuff during that time and I understand. Your brain wasn't physically done growing so your choices can be impacted. I can tell you tons of people your age have gone through the same stuff. You can let this regret go, if you need a sign or permission I am giving you it. It is ok

@greenbean It's not who you are, its something you suffered with. Did you really feel you had a choice? Addiction takes control and so much from us. I've struggled with it somewhat with sedatives and drugs. I know it's hard. But its not you.

@greenbean I just wish there was a simple way that I could let go. I always blame myself for this because there isn't anyone else to blame. It just happened. No one made me look for those videos and I just kept looking because of how it felt. Its like it took over my mind completely. At the time, I didn't even understand the concept of sexual education but I wanted to. I don't even know how it got there in my life at the time, but it did. I also read that addictions are hard to control because they have a hold on our pre frontal cortex, which is where our power of decision making and self control comes in. Addictions like porn make it weaker and I feel like I've really messed up my mind because of it. I just don't know how to stop the shame or stop blaming myself. I know that if it was somebody else in my shoes, I wouldn't blame them but I just can't do the same for myself.

@BigGip09 I understand, you are so brave. I know how hard it is to share this and feel this way. I wish I could suck the shame and guilt out of you. Your mind can be repaired and rewired, it won't always be like this. There is hope for you.

I have regret about it every single day. I try not to dwell on it but I can't help it. I wouldn't do it to another person but I do it to myself subconsciously almost every day. Again, I'm sorry about the things that happened to you. That's not your fault in any way. I hope you're doing better now. For almost a decade now I've used porn to cope with the negative feelings because it's the number one thing that gave me such a high dopamime, or as I like to call it the super dopamime. When I stopped getting it after the first couple videos, it got more extreme just to get the same feeling the first time. I just hate that I went through that but I guess it's something that I have to accept

@BigGip09 I understand this feeling completely. It is valid. I'm so glad you're out of it now. I know how hard it is. I get worried that the abuse I'll never feel as good as I did during it but the truth is during it I didn't feel good at all. It's an illusion. I am very sorry. And thank you so so much.

@greenbean Yeah it's definitely an illusion. For me, in the moment it feels like something but deep down it's nothing. I don't even know why I still do it knowing that it will hurt me and how much it has hurt over the years. Its like a dirty secret that I've been keeping to myself and I don't want it any longer. Sometimes I think of scenarios where if this didn't happen where would I be in my life now. I guess those are answers I just can't find. I'm really sorry you were abused through those times. That's not fair at all. Its very cruel but it's not your fault. Its little someone taking your adolescence away from you. I'm really sorry about that.

@BigGip09 Addictions are hard and it's okay to have setbacks. I didn't distance myself from porn and abuse until my father passed and it suddenly clicked. Even if you had someone to blame, you would have to forgive them to let go of this pain. I forgive my abuser soley for myself, although I'd never let them do it again. You can forgive yourself even if you've made a horrible mistake z because we gotta keep going. This addiction is not you.

@greenbean I don't know how I'm going to do it but I'll have to forgive my younger self somehow and try my best to get better. I'm trying to stay away from anything to do with porn, anything compulsive, and just try to better myself. Everybody tells me I shouldn't be at fault and somehow I have trouble believing them. They say that I shouldn't beat myself up because of it. Through that addiction I've just been so attached to it that I've seen a lot of extreme taboo things that I just hate. Deep down I know it's against my beliefs and how I want to live my life and I just hate that my younger self had to go through with it. I guess all I can do is forgive myself for this happening. The thoughts are the worst part and they are what keeps me coming back to the loop of self pity

@BigGip09 I understand. The thoughts are terrible and gross. Forgiving yourself is good. Try writing yourself from the past and yourself now a letter of forgiveness. I find it really helps.

@greenbean That's what I'm doing right now. I just read one that I wrote in the past and it made me feel a little bit of emotions. I also remembered when I talked to a counselor about my addiction it felt freeing. They understood me and it helped sharing it with my own words and articulation at the time. I just have to remember that there's forgiveness and I can give myself permission to move on

@BigGip09 Even if I don't feel like it's legitimate I guess I'll have to keep trying

@BigGip09 We can be friends if you'd like, I feel like we've been through very similar things and maybe we could help each other, if you'd like

@greenbean Yeah that sounds like a nice idea. Only thing with friends though is that I won't be friends with minors under any circumstances. How old are you? Just to be sure.

@BigGip09 I am 19 I turn 20 in December and my name is Cloud

@greenbean Okay. I'm 20 and my birthday is a month before ultra. Its nice to meet you, Cloud

@BigGip09 Its nice to meet you too, how would you like to talk? I have discord and stuff

@greenbean Yeah I have Discord as well, a little hesitant on accepting something new things

@BigGip09 Thats alright! I am too, I'll see you around then <3 thank you for your kind words and time