Hello,
I don’t know what to say to this. I, too, am at a point where I feel like this is over for me. This doubt started for me 13 years ago and, while there have been a few moments where it hasn’t bothered me, it has always sat with me in some way. I don’t want to be gay, but it feels like I have no choice in the matter. I, too, used to enjoy heterosexual stuff. I always watched straight porn, had crushes on girls, never thought anything about it. Then one day someone made a comment to me and boom- that was it. It was frustrating, too, because I grew up being picked on as a kid. I was called gay a few times in my life, but it never bothered me or felt true. I just felt like a different kid. Then that thought scares me because you read how some people who are gay felt different from the other boys. They didn’t know it, but they felt different. I get worried because I wasn’t girl crazy or always playing sports. I played soccer, but I quit when I was in 8th grade. I was always a big kid. Did I eat to suppress my feelings of being different? So many questions. I can remember the time when I thought myself straight. I had a girlfriend that I was in some form of love with. Then we broke up, I couldn’t find any other girl I liked, and then one night the thought occurred to me and boom: here I am 13 years later. It’s so frustrating. I wake up every morning and have anxiety. I try to just accept the thoughts, but it doesn’t help. I want to eventually get married, maybe have another child, but I can’t stop worrying about this. I can’t date. I can’t see myself with women anymore and it freaks me out. I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to catch back on with it. I already take a good amount of medicine and I don’t feel like it’s doing more than just helping me somewhat function. How do you fight something that feels so real? Like, I understand wanting to fight something like POCD. I understand wanting to fight harming yourself. But HOCD? You’re afraid of being gay? That’s not something that there is anything wrong with. So why does it bother me so much? I’m hopeful, or at least when I’m hopeful, that I can find another woman someday. That I will remember my attraction to women. That I won’t constantly be worried around certain males that I might find them attractive. It just is really hard. I’m hopeful that this thing called HOCD is a real thing that you can get better from. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like it is. That scares me.
