Advice for R-OCD?

I am in a relatively new relationship (around 2 months) and it has been completely virtual due to varying circumstances. I have never been in a serious relationship before and my past “exes” have never been this serious or brought up any of these feelings. About a month in I started having tons of symptoms and thoughts I figured were due to an SSRI change (i eventually went back to my original med/dose) however, it has remained quite bad since. Thoughts include: -I don’t actually like my partner, I just like the feeling of being wanted -I have crushes on other people, including my partners friends who I barely know -I don’t feel butterflies so I must be losing feelings for him -I think he’s ugly/im just not attracted to him -I’m secretly a lesbian and I’m wasting his time by being with him -a general feeling of dread, wrongness, or needing out of the relationship -not being able to believe him when he reassures me about everything -all of the above is just my genuine feelings and I’m using ocd as an excuse These are obviously crazy things to think, however one of my biggest compulsions is confession and self sabotage so I have told my partner all of these things in detail. He’s really great and patient about all of it but I can tell it weighs on him. Hes even recently expressed feeling like it’s his fault and that he wonders if it wouldn’t be this bad if I was with someone else. I feel so miserable but i feel like I’d be miserable in any relationship but im scared that’s not the truth and my ocd isn’t real. When it’s good i feel the most romantic love for him I’ve ever felt toward anyone ever. He’s an incredible person but I just feel so alone and lost on what to do. I’ve literally tried to break up with him like five times and each time we’ve ended up wanting to stay together. I’m really really scared I’ll never get better or this is simply the wrong relationship for me.

I’ve dealt with ocd themes for as long as I can remember, POCD, HOCD, false memory, the feelings of having to confess something, washing certain body parts a specific amount of times, all of it I am still pretty young and I just got into my first relationship. I always knew ROCD existed I just never had the chance to have an experience with it 😭 and here I am. I really do think I have an anxious attachment style. But it’s also like I constantly worry if I’m too much or if i should not be in a relationship or if I rlly love my partner like I tell him. I am sensitive and very communicative so when things bother me I like to communicate them but then I worry that I do too much or I worry that it isn’t normal to find this many things wrong so early in a relationship. I also worry if he doesn’t like me or if he Will get tired of me, but those thoughts are easier to get by. The hard thoughts r the ones where I doubt my feelings for him. My mind feels like a MESS! And it’s harder because we only see eachother once a week. This may be heaven compared to other ppl who struggle with real long distance but for me the time in between gives me a lot of time to nitpick things that aren’t even real problems and create a sense of a toxic relationship that isn’t even real! The only times where I feel like maybe it’s all in my head are when. I see him and the days after, but when it gets long it gets rlly hard. I rlly do love him and he gives me reassurance when needed but I can’t help but focus on the negatives when little things bother me, especially when we are apart from eachother and jsut texting. Texting is hard because then there is the obsession over waiting to see how long he will take, not knowing the tone of texts, and being able to over analyze every conversation we’ve had. I also do mental checks to help me reassure myself that I love him 😭 like when’s the last time he made me laugh, what are some nice things he’s done that I rlly liked, and jsut trying to actively acknowledge everything he’s done so I can stop panicking abt the fear that I don’t love him. It’s literally only been 2 months of us dating so the fact my ocd is so early onset annoys me so bad because I rlly do feel like I am still in the crucial stages of a relationship where we are learning how to love eachother, so there should be some ups and downs and minor arguments while we get over this phase… but I can’t help but wonder what if these little things just mean I hate him? It’s extreme but I worry and the reels and tik toks I see about people realizing they don’t love their partner make it all bad!

My ROCD comes in waves but I recently began hormonal birth control to help level out a genetic disorder I am dealing with. The harm OCD and relationship OCD has gotten so much worse the last few weeks since starting. My brain is constantly going between. Am I going to hurt someone? Am I depressed? To every other what if known to man. But the ROCD is what has been pissing me off. My relationship is a complete 180 from what I’ve ever experienced. I have only ever been with abusers. My ex husband was a narcissistic person and ruined me (likely why I have this ROCD in the first place) but anyway- my relationship is great. We’re best friends. We share the same values morals and wishes. We enjoy the same things. He can do his own thing and I can do mine. But when my ROCD hits, I disassociate and panic and go through what ifs about the relationship. We have also both been going through some stuff the past few months which has decreased the way we have sex but a ton (went from 2x a day to a couple times a week to now maybe 1x a week- and I fear it’s repeating the same pattern as with my ex…different situation- he was abusive and my current partner isn’t) but with these ROCD bouts I start wondering- is he too short? Do I find him attractive? Do I want to be with him? Should I leave? And now have convinced myself that since we’re in a normal healthy relationship (which can feel boring) that there must be something wrong and that I need to figure out what to do. I’m convinced that less sex and connection (exploring one another as we did when we started dating) means the relationship is doomed. I have never been in a healthy relationship and I know it takes work and showing up everyday. True love isn’t for the weak because it makes you have to work to keep it alive- especially when it’s “boring”. Idk what to do though. These thoughts and spirals are driving me mad. And no matter the situation, the spiral continues. I’m always anxious and thinking “what if” Any tips? I know one person in here said DO NOT leave my partner because it’ll only provide temporary relief and never solve the deeper issues I’m going through. I hate this feeling. I just want to enjoy my life.