TW 18+, ROCD, retroactive jealousy, SOOCD, venting

I'm really, really scared. I feel like my boyfriend and I went too far. We both belong to the same faith, and we've both committed from a young age to remain pure and chaste until marriage. And we've never had sex before, but we've talked a lot about it. And we've done things like laying on top of each other. Gently rubbing up against each other. He's kissed my chest. And I've send some pictures to him. Not nude pictures, but just ones that are a little revealing, and the guilt has been eating me alive. And of course, I know it's okay to feel sexual feelings, and it's good to have them and acknowledge them. They're vital feelings, and it's just us being human. It's a natural part of biology, and it's okay to be sexually attracted to one another, and to embrace that. It's something to be happy about. In our faith, we are cautioned against arousing sexual feelings in each other before marriage. And my boyfriend and I have absolutely done that, over and over again, when I've known better. Which makes me feel really guilty. Super guilty. I've struggled with scrupulosity for a long time. A really long time. And when I had a therapist who helped me to embrace my sexuality in a positive way, she really challenged my scrupulosity, and it helped me to attain a healthier view of the both myself and my standards, which is great. But in situations like this, I don't know if I'm dealing with scrupulous thoughts that are trying to make me fee feel guilty unnecessarily, or if I'm dealing with godly sorrow, like the kind of guilt that you feel so that you're urged to repent. And my boyfriend and I have kept an open dialogue about all of this since we started dating, and I think we've been communicating well, which is good. But we both agreed that last night, in particular, we really crossed the line, and I feel so guilty about it. We both agreed that this is a joint effort and that there's no blame to be put entirely on either one of us. My boyfriend has been really, really gentle about this subject, and I really appreciate his openness and honesty. But he doesn't see what we've done as anything to repent about. And even though he totally understands if I feel differently, I DO feel like we need to repent, both of us, not just me. He's open to hear any of my thoughts, even if they happened to be negative against him. And I appreciate that. But the guilt has been eating me alive. All the times I've made him moan on purpose because I like it. All the times I've let him talk so dirty to me. And the times I talked so dirty back to him. And I'm just comparing myself to other couples of our faith who may or may not have struggled, because obviously we're not the only ones to struggle. But we've done so much. We've talked so dirty to each other, and we're not even close to being engaged or anything. I just feel so filthy, and I feel ashamed for wanting to go further. A couple years ago, like I said, I had a therapist who really helped me to embrace my sexuality while also staying true to my faith. And I feel like I've really come a long way since then, but this feels different, because masturbation and embracing your own sexuality is different than teasing sex with another person. I just don't know how severe this really is. And I'm worried that I'll be reprimanded. I'm worried what would happen if my parents happened to find out. Not that I'm gonna tell them, but still, I'm really scared. I'd feel bad keeping this from them if it's really serious. I don't know what to do. I need to cry. My stomach hurts. I just feel all kinds of wrong.

I’m gonna try to make this make sense, and any support or advice would be great. I have a beautiful girlfriend, who I’ve been dating off and on for a year. We were really rocky but got our shit figured out 4 months ago and have been strong since. I truly love this girl more than I’ve loved anyone. And I know based off the sheer amount of ocd that has come up on our relationship, that she means a lot to me. Me and her were in a friend group in 2022 and we never liked each other. However she had a sexual relationship with one of my old friends. Fast forward to now I haven’t talked to him in a long time and I don’t see it as an issue. However… I keep having this vivid flashback to him touching her some kinda way in 2022. I can’t remember exactly what happened or the details but it’s running through my head. I guess this is retroactive jealousy but it’s really almost hurting my feelings. I wish it would stop but I know ocd doesn’t work that way. I just wanna be happy with my girl and not upset at her past experiences

Does anybody else face both SOOCD and ROCD? I feel like it has been an ongoing cycle since January and now its July. This all started over a “should I kiss her” thought when dropping off a friend at home and ever since then, it is ongoing. My reaction used to be to cry and panic, and now its kinda mellowing out which scares me into thinking it could be real (all because my reaction is not what it used to be). I also have been facing sheer panic anytime I face something related to coming out. For instance, I seen a post on social media the other day about a women who came out after 14 years being with a man, after she rekindled a friendship with an old female friend…My head goes “so it could happen to me”. Or for instance, the other day, my grandma gave me a hoodie to give to my mom, or for me to keep for myself if it fit, and of course when she showed it to me, it had a rainbow heart and rainbow draw strings. This immediately sent me into a stomach turning panic. On the other hand, this is causing me to feel like I need to leave my boyfriend because what if I leave him in future anyway because of my sexuality. What if im saving him? This has all stopped me from feeling anything towards him and our relationship and Im scared on what that means. I know a lot of things read that it can cause a mental shut out of emotions, and a disconnect in the relationship, but it is making me feel nothing anymore and im scared that it means its time to let go. Our relationship has been nothing but perfect for 2 years. We barely argue and if we do, it is over quickly. Hes always opening my door, checking on me, taking me to do things to create memories, etc. I know that the honeymoon phase ends quickly but im having a hard time disassociating the difference between honeymoon phase is over, this is normal, or if I should leave him and because of the SOOCD thing or maybe I really am not straight. Thank you to whoever read all this. Im sorry for it being so long.