Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

Idk what to do anymore

I’ve hit such a low point that I don’t know what’s real and what’s not and why my brain is doing this. I feel so crazy. I’ve had an unwanted crush on my coworker and I thought it was due to hocd but I get butterflies and my heart pounds so fast and when I start thinking about it I can’t think straight and I’m so overwhelmed and depressed by the feelings. It’s like a monster has taken over my mind. In a way it feels like Ted Bundy and I’ve gone literal psycho. I don’t see this crush as human. I think about her and I get so depressed. And I just don’t feel like I’m living in reality and then I compare to other crushes from my past and they have felt the same. I’ve never viewed my crushes as human. Something else takes over. I masturbated to the thoughts of her, not like really of her. I didn’t see her face or feel like it was actually her but I still orgasmed to the thought of being with her. I’m not sure if it was because all of this anxiety. I just feel so depressed and not like myself and it’s making me question everything about myself and I feel like I’m out of control of my thoughts and feelings and it’s so bad. It’s like I’m not living in reality. Nothing seems real. I feel so insane honestly. I hate this so much and idk what to do anymore. I don’t feel like anything can help and I’m going to be crazy forever. Or maybe this is what deep denial feels like. Like I don’t feel like myself because I’ve buried this perceived “monster” deep within me and I don’t even realize it. I have no idea what’s going on but I’m so scared and this feels so much bigger than OCD ever has. I’m making myself crazy. I feel like nothings wrong but I’ve allowed my mind to go to crazy places that I can’t come back from. Like I’m damaged forever and unfixable. Like nothing will help me.

Sexual Orientation OCD

[Deleted]

Date posted: 3y

Comment deleted by user

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

In regards to your first sentence, does this mean all the crushes I've ever had in my life were false?!?! Because that triggers my anxiety haha. I mean I've always liked guys but what if it wasn't real all along?!

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 That’s also what went through my head earlier when I was feeling this way

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth The false sensations I get are completely different than all the crushes I've NATURALLY had in life towards men. But what if those weren't real and this is? I really dont think that's the case haha. Your post sounds a lot like what I went through when my SOOCD first started years ago. It kinda went away but since I never learned how to deal with it properly it's always been in the background and then occasionally I'll make the mistake of trying to dig deeper into the anxiety because it feels like it's something that needs to be figured out. But I don't know if that's just normal OCD doubt or if there's ACTUALLY something I need to figure out. Are you seeing a therapist?

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 But when this first started years ago I felt like a monster had taken over my brain and I wasn't the same person and didn't think I ever would be again. That's why your post reminded me of me

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 I’m seeing a therapist but for borderline personality disorder

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

*saw BOOBS, not books lol. But anyway, have you tried ERP? It has helped me so much. You just have to sit with the anxiety and not figure it out. It's sorta like swallowing a lump in your throat. For me I came to a point where it felt like relief to let myself NOT ruminate. And sure enough by the end of the day the anxiety had gone away. You have to keep doing that every day though until your brain is rewired. The problem I'm having now is that the anxiety is totally gone but I told myself so many times "maybe I am, maybe I'm not" that now the thoughts keep popping up "well now rhat the anxiety is gone am I supposed to try dating a girl since I said maybe I am?" Even though I NEVER had those thoughts before this shitshow began!!!!! And now I'm also questioning whether the other root cause is that I don't really love my boyfriend, which starts a whole other rabbit hole of rumination

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

WE ARE THE SAME. I feel like I could’ve written that comment.

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth Other times when my soocd calmed down I was able to look back and laugh. But this time I have a knot in my stomach and I'm trying to sit with it and not ruminate but I can't help but worry what it means

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 That’s funny because you still have an emotion tied to ocd but you think it’s calmed down.

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth Not to be rude. I just think you’re telling yourself that your SOOCD has calmed down but you still want to do compulsions. Which is funny to me.

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth Right, that's why I'm hoping it's just not gone yet and it's all still related! I just don't want it to mean I don't love my boyfriend

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth That actually makes me feel better that you say it's tied to the ocd haha

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth What I meant was the anxiety has calmed down! I was in full panic mode for the past month until I finally started therapy 2 weeks ago. The anxiety was horrendous

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

Honestly that's my fear is that my brain is gonna keep delving further and further into this and next its gonna trick me into thinking I actually like a girl!!! I honestly think it's your brain tricking you or else you wouldn't be on here. Also I think the fact that I don't have a problem with gay people also adds to the mess because I feel like some people on here have a fear of gay people or being gay but I don't. I'm perfectly fine with people doing whatever they want!

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

Yeah I think it’s my braining tricking me too. I’m out of that foggy state now finally and I feel more like myself and honestly I want nothing to do with her. I just wanna keep lovin my bf. But yeah I’m the same way. I have no problem with gay people. I feel like I’m so open to it that that’s why I am having all of this confusion. Like WHY NOT be gay? My therapist has jokingly compared what I’m going through to compulsory heterosexuality but instead my issue is compulsory homosexuality lol.

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

If you don't feel like this is your normal self, then it's probably not

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

Yeah that’s what I’m thinking. I just also feel like I’m denying the feelings because I don’t want to be a lesbian and I’m ashamed of it.

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth I feel that way at times too. You can always do ERP and then see how you feel when your brain is quieter and you have your actual feelings back

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth You have to just say "maybe maybe not" or else you are gonna drive yourself even more crazy and these ruminations and thoughts will never go away

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

I’m back to say that this crush on my coworker feels like crushes I’ve had on men in the past. I’m so confused. I’m excited by these feelings but don’t want them. I’m asking myself if I like her all the time. I can’t get her off my mind and I’m just accepting at this point that I have a crush on her. I don’t want to end anything with my boyfriend but it almost feels like I’ve never really liked him. Like I think about sex with him and im not excited but I would be more excited with her.

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

So you think you don't actually have ocd?

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

Or are you saying your ocd is making it feel real?

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 I’m not really sure anymore

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth Do you know if she's a lesbian?

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 Yes she is

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

I can tell I don’t feel like myself though. And I don’t want these feelings. I will never act on them. It feels like a distant person that has these feelings. I just feel confused and I have a hard time feeling present. I think those are all signs of a crush. I’m going to try to trust that I don’t want to act on it

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

Now you're making me rethink what I always thought a crush was 🤣 Crushes didn't make me feel like a distant person or that I can't be present, but that IS exactly what my ocd feels like!

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 Ugh yeah. I feel like I’m so scared I have a crush that my mind is telling me that I do and mimicking those feelings.

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 I think our memories fail us

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 I’m like not excited to see her. I dread it. But in past crushes, I think I was actually excited to see them and be near them. I think this is just my brain bein weird. It feels like an intrusive crush.

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 Either way, I can’t really go back to just seeing her as a person, friend, coworker, whatever. Seeing her will probably always trigger my anxiety. I want it to go away. I want to see her as a person again. I don’t want to get nervous around her. I don’t want to think about her all the time. I want to have these feelings for my boyfriend instead. It’s also making me feel distant from him.

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 I just can’t stop crying. Idk what’s happening. I don’t want these feelings.

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 And I can imagine doing things with her and it turns me on. But then I’m anxious about it and it grosses me out

Littleducky5

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth I've had that happen to me before. That's what started this whole thing for me to begin with. I saw books on TV one time and it turned me on but I never thought anything of it. Then later I watched a show about wives turning gay and I had a panic attack that that was gonna be me and that I was gay all along. So I've come to the conclusion that I have hocd but ALSO that the root cause is that I do get turned on by girls sometimes. But they're completely separate because I've never liked a girl or been attracted to a girl in real life. It's only like a weird fantasy that happens occasionally (ew I feel gross even typing that)

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 Ok I feel the same and I’ve always felt that way. And my thing was like oh but I’ve never had a crush or romantic feelings for a girl. But now I feel like I can’t say that

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Littleducky5 But now that I’m like admitting this, I feel like I don’t actually want to do anything romantic with her. I’m not really interested in that. I think my brain was just like stressed and anxious and scared of having feelings so it was there.

Pogoshow

Date posted: 22w

SOOCD

I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for over a year now, and I have been having a very hard day today. I feel like I just need someone to talk too, my whole life I’ve always had girl crushes and always wanted to be romantic with women . Ever since I posted this picture on instagram and one person said I looked “zesty” in it , which is when I started obsessing about being gay . I feel like I put so much meaning to these thoughts where now I’m always checking how I feeling around men. I had a really bad porn addiction for a long time and bad anxiety which fucked up my sex drive. I feel like I doubt if I’m attracted to women when I know I am , but the doubt is so overbearing where I start to believe it . I never was interested in men sexually, and my ocd makes me feel like I like the thoughts even though I feel no pleasure out of it. I feel like I lost who I am as a person . It feels like I don’t even know what my sexuality is and it’s really upsetting to me . I meant this girl the other day and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I just feel like ocd is getting in the way😭😭😭 please any advice or comments

carrotroot12

Date posted: 6w

Another memory here to haunt me/someone respond!!!

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 4w

Feeling terrible again

I need a miracle bc i’m sick of this. I hope and pray this is SOOCD and that I actually have OCD. I was doing sm better a couple months ago. I felt hope after years of depression and numbness. As soon as I feel something other than negative emotions or nothing at all, OCD immediately tries to fuck it up. Why won’t this leave me alone? If those past memories/proof mean something I pray it means i’m at least just bi bc bi women don’t HAVE to be with women. I just keep on ruminating and analyzing, analyzing my past relationship (i had soocd before and during it so odd is latching onto everything ocd made me go through while being with him), replaying and analyzing memories of childhood exploration/ regular memories (like checking if i had attraction to male characters in movies i liked and worrying bc I can’t remember if i did or not), creating false ones?, checking, i’m constantly triggered by EVERYTHING, and I’m worried even more now bc I don’t have that many thoughts as before. Then I try to analyze if I had a lot of thoughts in the past when the theme started bc if I didn’t then maybe this isn’t even OCD. This all started bc I thought a masculine presenting woman in a kpop group was attractive 5 fucking years ago bc she looked like a male kpop idol. I rmbr I was so uncomfortable when I realized she was a woman. I even remember thinking “does this mean i’m bi? let me pretend to fangirl over her like I do with guys just to check.” It didn’t feel right but it was stuck in my mind and wouldn’t leave. Looking back, this theme was building up earlier but i wasn’t phased bc my attraction to men wasn’t gone. Sadly i’ve been numb for years now and i’m still dealing with this years later. Now that I’m having a flare up, every time i see a masc lesbian now I feel like i HAVE TO BE attracted and it can’t just be false attraction. Also i fucking hate how when I’m feeling terrible everything that triggers me just pops up on my screen. I feel so numb towards everything. I feel numb towards my boyfriend and my relationship (I was so excited for my relationship and my attraction for him felt so real, wanted, and genuine) but when he does something that hurts my feelings somehow i can feel that and nothing else? I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS.

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Idk what to do anymore

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