ROCD
Is it okay that I am in a relationship where I didn’t feel an intense spark or infatuation at the beginning, I’m happy to continue in the relationship as I love my boyfriend deeply but in my head it’s like ‘your relationship is doomed to fail because of the lack of passion in the beginning’ ?
love isn’t all the same, meaning that it’s all different for everyone. you may experience it differently than others and that’s okay :) it doesn’t mean you love your boyfriend any less
Then why online do all the articles say you need the infatuation in the beginning for it to work ?
@Tillyyyx perhaps that’s majority of society’s experiences. if you are willing to stay with your boyfriend then i’d say it’s love, especially since you said you are happy to continue the relationship.
@mjane I think that’s what scares me , that it’s not the majority of societies experience- makes me feel like it must be invalid , also I will admit I’m scared of comittment , I think some self sabotage is happening too
@Tillyyyx i feel the exact same way. i always feel like if i don’t feel or act the same way as society does then it makes me seem like i love my boyfriend much less. commitment is hard and scary, it’s the effort that counts that is put into it.
@mjane It is very scary! I think because genuine love does take time and effort but I feel like we’re fed the narrative that relationships are meant to be easy and I’d much rather take advice from long lasting married couples than people who say ‘it’s all about the spark’ and then break up with 5 people that year , I will be honest I wish the spark had been there in the beginning , not because I think that would validate my live for my boyfriend any more but it would have causes less doubt and anxiety for choosing a relationship which doesn’t fit societies mold
Hey, I felt the same at the start of my relationship. I wasn’t attracted to him when I first met him and didn’t have intense infatuation from the get go. I didn’t have butterflies. But I developed attraction and now after one year together I know I love him and want absolutely nothing other than to spend my life with him. It’s only really recently I’ve been confident enough to say I love him whole heartedly because ROCD has started to lose its grip on me a little. I’m now suffering with a bit of SOOCD but hopefully that’ll disappear too. I developed ROCD I think because I didn’t experience the feelings society said I ‘should’ be feeling right from the beginning. It only matters how you felt at the beginning if you make it matter. What truly matters is if you care for that person, want to make them happy, feel safe, trust them, and can envision a future. Everyone experiences love differently. Everyone has a different love story
‘It only matters how you felt at the beginning of you make it matter’ thanks that’s great advice ! I sometimes feel I’m just trying to self sabotage in any way possible , like when it’s going well I just think this can’t be right because of so and so … it’s almost crazy to me that everything could actually be okay if that makes sense
@Tillyyyx You’re welcome! Oh don’t worry I’m literally the exact same. It’s only a year in that I’m finally maybe relaxing into having someone love me and loving someone else. You’ll get there if you want to :)
@EM77 That’s good on you , love is hard , in reality not many people have long term meaningful relationships anymore! Maybe because we’re fed the wrong info in society of what a healthy relationship is
I think many couples do experience a lot of chemistry and infatuation in the beginning of a relationship. However many couples have different stories and that is fine too. My mom resisted my Dad in the beginning and had reservations after the first few dates, yet they've been married almost 40 years now! That early infatuation stage usually fizzles out anyway. I don't think most couples are "madly in love" all the time and it is unrealistic to expect that. I recommend the "Love and Attachments" chapter of Jonathan Haidt's book The Happiness Hypothesis. You may find it really helpful. Haidt differentiates between "passionate" love and "companionate" love. It is impossible to sustain high levels of passionate love throughout a relationship. In the long-run it is companionate love that keeps couples together. Your relationship sounds awesome to me. The other thing that really helps my ROCD is I view love as action, not feeling/butterflies/spark. Love is commitment & action, and the repeated application of that is what helps keep feelings of love around in the long-term. I don't care about a spark on Day 1. I care about where we're at on Year 10. I get married next month! Good luck!
Congratulations on getting married next month that’s amazing! I wish you a happy marriage ❤️ it’s definetly something I’m proud of, that we’ve made it this far, that we continue to grow despite our difficulties, to me that shows true love ! I’ve always struggled with the concept of m people loving people just for external factors - to me love is something deep and long lasting, something that withstand the ups and down of life. That being said I do struggle that most people go through the infatuation and chemistry phase in the beginning , it makes me feel guilty in some way, like my boyfriend deserves me to have felt that crazy about him cause he’s such an amazing person if that makes sense! Of course it’s not my fault cause I wish I could have felt that ! Now our relationship is so much more than that but it’s the guilt that I struggle with , I feel shallow for thinking this is a problem and I hate to admit that as he was not my usual type I sometimes felt embarrassed and worried about peoples comments about us dating. I feel awful about this cause I truly love him and he deserves to be felt crazy over
Everyone follows a different path. Ultimately its how you feel. If you're happy and safe and satisfied, that's all that matters.
I am happy now , in the beginning I would say the lack of chemistry did bother me slightly , the obsession over analysing the attraction has stayed but I love him with all my heart , it’s for to the point where losing him is not an option
@Tillyyyx Who says there has to be a "spark"? The strongest fires often don't start with spark. In my mind, society feeds that idea to us because its not the norm.
@Tillyyyx i agree with @rmsh231, society in this generation has fed us with a terrible and toxic idea of romance. like if you don’t feel one thing like the rest of everyone else who are “madly in love” then suddenly there is “something wrong with you”.
@mjane I know , clearly it’s not worked out well that way as the divorce rate is so high and no one seems to want a meaningful relationship these days ?
@Tillyyyx very sorry if it looks like i was directing that second part towards you, i did not mean to do that, it was an example i was giving to you on what society think love is and how it’s shown
@mjane No i didn’t think that at all, I didn’t mean to come across blunt in my reply to you! I’m just anxious and that may have come across in my reply lol
And do you think most people really are ‘madly in love’ or they just chose to portray that to other people cause they too want to fit in? I’m just thinking about all the ‘perfect’ Instagram couples , I’ve seen many couples who look miserable on nights out, I know many friends who have experienced awful relationships too
It just doesn’t seem realistic to me to be in a constant high from love all the time, realistically it’s not something I’ve ever witnessed from anyone else over long periods of time either?
My therapist said to be that she wasn’t sure if I have ROCD on my call to her yesterday and now I feel really anxious! I love my boyfriend I desperately want things to work out between us but my obsession is I worry that I’m not attracted to him like the spark is missing. The more I get to know him the closer I feel to him and I adore him. No he’s not my usual type and I think In the beginning this held me back getting close to him as I had a very strict idea of what I wanted and I would always discount anyone who fit didn’t fit that type without getting to know them (shallow yes)! But with him I’ve fallen in love with non superficial things but this past idea of ‘type’ is stopping me from being completely vulnerable as I think I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s wrong as it isn’t the person I imagined myself being with in my head. Like if things are going well I tell myself ‘ don’t fool yourself you’re only going to hurt him in the long run cause he’s not your type deep down.’ I worry about what other people will think , like I worry about people making negative comments about him and I hate that I care about that. I’ve always cared what other people think of me too much and now I’ve projected this onto my boyfriend. In the past I’ve never properly loved someone as I always selfishly picked someone who I thought looked good next to me kind of thing , I haven’t had many serious relationships where I’ve shown my true self it’s been all about flirting and proving to myself that I was good enough to be with that person to be honest. With my boyfriend it’s so different we know each other so well we have so much in common and I just need some advice now :(
I feel so guilty that I didn’t feel an instant spark or chemistry with my boyfriend 🙁 because when I look online all articles/peoples opinions tend to say romantic love stems from lust which is a primal urge that you have straight away with someone it doesn’t develop over time it’s either there or it isn’t ! Also people recall how they fell in love it was the easiest and most natural thing with no doubts . It bothers me to this day, I don’t even know if what I have is ocd or if I’m lying to myself I hate this .
I genuinely concerned. I have relationship ocd and see all these posts more so of partner focused, it being attracted to other people. I don’t have this at all. All my ocd is relationship focused and I’m starting to think it’s not ocd anymore!! Every single second I feel like I want to or should break up with him. I don’t feel that spark or infatuation and haven’t since the beginning. What if we just aren’t a good match? Even though he thinks we are. He’s my first healthy relationship. I feel sick. I feel like I’m prolonging the breakup because I just don’t wanna be alone or hurt him 😢
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