I really need some help here if anyone can help ?:( My situation: I love my boyfriend so much, never cared about someone as much as I care about him , developed a very deep emotional connection to him very quickly , there wasn’t that initial spark there , I found him attractive but sometimes not if that makes sense, objectively I know he’s attractive but I think my anxieties made me overthink this aspect. I struggled with loving him so much and not feeling the spark , feeling like something must be ‘wrong’ in the relationship because it wasn’t electric I wasn’t 100% sure on him. I’ve struggled with ROCD for a while which has made the past 2 years of us being together very challenging at times . Do I fear that I’m in denial and staying out of guilt or false hope ? No because I definitely love him but I worry that the lack of intense lust will cause problems if we chose to marry and stay together for the next few decades (which is what we both want ). We have the same life goals, we both want to start a family together and we both value a committed long lasting relationship built on trust on commitment. We 100% share the same values, we have the best time together , feels like time flies by when I’m with him and I don’t feel bored in his presence. I feel like I’ve one the full package really. But the only thing which is causing me immense pain and guilt is the lack of lust. We have great sex and I find him objectively attractive so this is not the issue. It’s that obsession, that intense desire that Hasn’t been there . I feel like I’ve grown so close to him with time and I know I’m being picky but o can’t get over this. Especially because when I google ‘ can relationships work without infatuation’ or ‘can physical attraction develop’ everyone is so negative saying it will never work , people share their experiences saying its setting up for failure or that one day you will meet someone who you share this spark with and then you will ruin your relationship, it’s freaking me out and making me feel sick 24/7 I can’t think about anything else . Me and my boyfriend we’re meant to be getting married next year , I cried tears of happiness when he asked me there’s nothing I want more ! I want it soooo badly , so why does this ruin everything:(

But I’m really struggling with the idea it is not ROCD? Like I know ROCD lives in uncertainty and ‘what ifs ‘ and I was diagnosed with OCD by my nocd therapist , but I spoke to my GP as my nocd therapist recommended I go on medication and my GP literally told me ‘doesn’t sound like you have OCD because you don’t have compulsions you just have anxiety surrounding your relationship’ . She then went on to say ‘ I was in the wrong relationship for a while and felt anxiety too, it’s difficult for women with all the pressure , you’re only young’. Which made me soooo upset for ages , still not over her comments to be honest .

@Tillyyyx That is so tough! A GP is a medical doctor and has NO expertise in OCD—whether you have it or not. You may be better off speaking to a psychiatrist or other specialist. Secondly, compulsions are mental too. Hard to identify if they are entrenched. Thirdly, (and maybe this is me trying to reassure myself), but ffs do “non-OCD” people spend this much time worrying about their relationship? They either don’t worry about it or break up without this huge amount of angst.

@Tillyyyx I can definitely relate to what you say though! We want to avoid making this big mistake because we care about having a good relationship. The irony being that we are ruining our enjoyment of our relationship by doing this.

I get it! Honestly, I also worried/do worry about lust and stuff. I actually have sexual dysfunctions so I can really spiral sometimes... Right now, it isn’t bothering me. In two weeks? Maybe. It is wild because there are so many reassuring things I can tell you right now. And they’d make you feel better in the short-term, but not long-term.

And of course that is what people say. If they didn’t say that, you wouldn’t worry. And we assume that they know best. Do they? What gives anyone authority about what a relationship should or should not look like?

Oh yeah, I get it! It was fed to me my whole life too. It is all over media. The funny bit (and this is probably too reassuring) is that research shows that lust fades really quickly in most relationships. I’m sorry your worries are so bad you can’t enjoy what sounds like a healthy relationship :/

@dragon_calves Yeah I mean I used to lust over my ex when I was 17 and when we broke up I moved on so quick i have 0 feelings for him and actually our relationship was so boring looking back !

I can definitely emphathize with that. It triggers me too. What happens if you tell yourself “maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong?” Or “maybe I’m making a mistake, maybe I’m not?”

You are so sure that breaking up will free you of these anxious thoughts? Maybe it will, or maybe you will get a host of other anxieties (“I let the love of my life escape” etc)

The shitty thing about this, is that there IS NO RIGHT answer. So you can you either try to embrace the uncertainty or suffer with the doubts.

Also, I say this stuff in the kindest way as a person that also suffers :) I have been with my husband for 10 freaking years and this ROCD is off and on. Some days I’m like “lol why was I ever worried- this feels so right” and others I’m like “I have made a huge mistake, I need a divorce.” It makes no sense.

@dragon_calves Yeah us humans we’re flawed :( there is beauty in committing to one person and growing together in this selfish world ! Maybe the best things don’t come easy !

That of course would feel better. I can tell you right now that the lust thing is a minor thing and definitely not something to throw a relationship away. I truly think that. This may make you feel better for a few hours. But your brain will go back to what other people have said (e.g. “people on NOCD aren’t reliable, they are biased etc”) It is what your brain does. It is quite predictable. This is why ERP is the way- the only way.

@dragon_calves 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻