(Vent) It Feels So Real

I guess I just need to let out some of my feelings because I’ve been holding them to myself for so long and I don’t know what to do anymore. When I first got these thoughts, it came after a huge and debilitating episode of SO-OCD. It was just starting to get a little bit weaker, then obsessive thoughts about being trans hit me out of no where. At first, it was easy to say they were nonsense, that’s how it always starts. I started fearing how real these thoughts would eventually feel, because I knew with my experience regarding sexual orientation obsessive thoughts, it can feel so real and like you HAVE to choose something right away. Well, I wish I was aware that it would be even harder than I thought. I’ve dealt with so much, and I haven’t been able to talk to my mom or anyone about this theme. Because when I tried with my SO-OCD one, she was super stressed out and did little to support me. This whole theme was kind of triggered by my mom mentioning how she wishes she could be like the other parents who could support their kids if they were trans, and I guess that made this pattern start. Prior, I never once doubted my gender identity. But now the doubt gets massive, so massive that it’s hard to even know what to do anymore. Backdoor spikes get strong too so when the anxiety doesn’t come, I fear that means this is what I want. Not only that, but my head keeps telling me I’m feminine even though I just want to feel like myself again. I know that’s not what it means but it’s so hard to stop the doubt once it starts. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve tried looking at old photos or getting up and going to the mirror to see if I really was happy with who I was, or looked at part of myself and wondered if it was more feminine. It doesn’t help that when I was still new to this all, I saw all the symptoms of dysphoria and now I dread looking in the mirror because I’m afraid I’ll start developing it. For a small while it was with my facial hair and a fear that I was gonna start hating it but then that went away and it switched to my shoulders and that’s starting to fade now. I’ve never had an issue with being referred to with he/him, but now I have hyper awareness and I have to carefully analyze my reaction when anyone refers to me that way because I’m absolutely terrified I might start hating it. What makes it even harder, is that I’ve always struggled with my own sense of identity. I’ve wanted to get my own sense of style and to take care of myself better. I wanted to feel like more of my own person, and I’ve been working on this since 2020. These thoughts feel even stronger because they try to convince me it’s because of my gender. What confuses me is that I’ve never been upset about my body before or being a guy. I was always contempt with what I had and wanted to start crafting a clearer picture of who I was in my own head. There’s more I could say, I could go on and on, but there’s not really any reason to. I just wanted to talk about how I felt because it’s always felt like I’m trapped alone and like nobody can help me. I don’t want to be trans, I never wanted to be a woman, but the doubt and the random thoughts and all of it makes it so hard to know sometimes. I wish this could end, and I’m tired of the uncertainty, but I know that I’ll have to learn to sit with it if I want this to get any better.

Declan

Date posted: 3y

This is coming from a trans guy who has a lot of intrusive thoughts about identity/appearance: that's all totally valid. I'm sorry your mom isn't very good at handling the core of what is upsetting/stressing you out. Because of a resurgence of gender identity/pronouns in our society, it can cause a lot of discomfort with the question around what really makes identity. I get that, and I don't even feel comfortable in who I am even after years of trying out different labels, etc. I encourage you, if you feel comfortable, to explore your sense of style and expression of self. If that means dressing feminine or masculine or somewhere in the middle, if it means experimenting with different labels or pronouns, or none of that at all; but the point is it's all totally temporary and not permanent if you don't want it to be. You're not less of a guy for doing any of that.

ishdh.2

Date posted: 3y

Thank you :) I really appreciate your kindness and your willingness to offer support from your own experiences; it means so much that you’d do that, it really does. I’m in a spot right now where I’m not quite ready to try exploring yet because I know it would be more of a compulsion rather than out of curiousity, but when I learn to manage these thoughts and if I’m still curious, I definitely will look into exploring labels and clothing of all sorts. Thank you again, it means a lot for you to do this

Scooterino

Date posted: 3y

I've been where you are- it gets better

shinsset

Date posted: 22w

tocd + proof + advice on how to tell people?

I cant do anything anymore without my brain dregdging up proof from my past that I was actually trans and didn't know it, and it all seems so plausible. like I said in my last post its unearthing memories that I didn't even know I have. ik this is just ocd tricking me but I feel like I need to review every moment thoroughly bc I have questioned my gender in the past but always concluded that'd I'd happier as a girl (which is true). everything feels so real and it feels like I am just super in denial. also, how do I tell people about this? I made the mistake of confessing to a teacher on a note and only a couple friends of mine understand the thoughts I get, but I don't tell them everything. however its very hard for me to do basic responsibilities like school work and I always end up overwhelmed, so I'm thinking I may need accomdations. I need to get in touch with my counselor but i'm unsure how to explain all of this to her, being that I don't have a diagnosis....also I feel like I can't talk about this with the majority of my friends because gender ocd is rare to have (increasing my doubts) and, at least school-wise, i'm in very accepting environment for lgbtq and I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me to accept myself. I'm scared of doing erp for this because what if I like it (also cant afford therapy). ive also felt very apprehensive around some of my trans friends and classmates because my brain is going crazy asking "what if you're like them?" and I feel so bad and transphobic for these thoughts. i'm genuinely so tired. one of my closest friends died last year, but my father pointed out that my recent mood has been even worse than it was during that time. i tend to bottle up my emotions a lot, so everyone's just telling me to "let it go" and tell people, but if I do that I feel like i'll end up confessing. i'm so tired and lost.

f7nn

Date posted: 19w

My current predicament

Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

I feel so different from others

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

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(Vent) It Feels So Real

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