Can I carry on in my happy relationship even though there was no initial spark or infatuation on my side but we’ve grown so close ? And that I have anxiety based on my levels of attraction at times ?

But what about physical attraction is that a necessity? Sometimes I feel very attracted and sometimes I don’t and I feel very off , and it wasn’t an intense attraction in the beginning

@Tillyyyx Sometimes I feel very attracted to my husband, other times I feel repulsed. I hate that it does that, but I was told that's normal by my regular, non OCD therapist. Not to give reassurance or anything. Just so you know what it's like in a normal relationship. I have ROCD too, so it's hard for me to be okay with the times I'm not super attracted too.

@Maeday And when you first met were you super infatuated ?

@Tillyyyx I'm asexual and rarely experience sexual attraction, period. The few times I have, were pointed at my husband haha. So you don't need attraction for a romantic partnership, but if feeling sexual attraction is normal for you there's nothing wrong with wanting it. If in your case the attraction is fading because of your OCD, I highly suggest trying to ride it out and not make a decision based on how you're feeling during a low point.

@redmuse22 Well I mean we have great sex together , in fact probably the best I’ve ever had. Its not a lack of sex that’s the issue at all. I’m not sure how to pin point this , maybe I would have usually gone for a certain look physically and he doesn’t look like who I would date if I envision it in my head. I think I am just being picky as a form of self sabotage and it’s my ocd . Also that I’ve always believed in love at first sight , having some type of primative instinct . Rationally I don’t see any Logic in this yet society does feed us the idea of the ‘one’ and instant connection , being head over heels in love etc

@Tillyyyx Ahhhh gotcha! Attraction =/= libido and sex life, didn't mean to give that message. It does sound like OCD might be getting you down/latching onto the love at first sight message we are fed with romance movies.

@redmuse22 So you don’t think there is a significant issue with the fact it wasn’t live at first sight ?

@Tillyyyx Love ?

@Tillyyyx Nah. I had more of a slowly building thing based heavily in friendship first. I think love at first sight (infatuation?) is possible, but I'm unsure of how many of those situations turn into long term relationships.

@redmuse22 And his has your relationship developed if I can ask ? Are you overall happy despite this x

@Tillyyyx I'm satisfied (even with ocd poking its head in where i doesn't belong).. we've been married for 4 years and together for 11. I'm happy to answer questions but maybe take a break from the app for a bit. Seems like you might be down an OCD rabbit home on this topic. 🫂

@redmuse22 Well it really scares me 🥺 when everyone online says you’re wrong for dating someone if you weren’t feeling the spark in the beginning

When you started treating the relationship as love is a choice , did that improve the relationship ?

No it’s not that I’ve never had it! I’ve never not wanted to have sex with him, the sex is great ! It’s more that everything else is so great and it’s like damn I would hate for this to be an issue that would ruin something so pure , if that makes sense ?

@Tillyyyx Your comment really triggered me cause it makes me feel like it’s wrong :( If I need to tell him , what if it upsets him , I don’t want to lose him !

@Tillyyyx Hi there! You haven’t done anything wrong! Every thought and feeling you have is valid. I think what Maeday was trying to say was that if you’ve *never* felt any attraction towards your partner that you should be honest about the relationship and move forward… that’s my takeaway, anyway. Although it came off as a bit harsh. It’s common in Western culture to be so focused with infatuation. We don’t romanticize the gray area where we focus on the every day, the mundane, the ebs and flows of attractiveness in relationships. I’m currently reading “Relationship ROCD” by Sheva Rajaee, MFT and she speaks on exactly what you’re feeling and how Western culture has skewed our interpretations as to what love should look like vs what it actually looks like. I got it off of Amazon and highly recommend!! It’s been super helpful.

@KLN2008 Thanks for your detailed response! What do you mean by move foward ?

@Tillyyyx Oh I understand , yes I do feel attraction to my partner I mean to be indescrete we have great sex he has some physical features I find very attractive but I don’t have that animalistic lust if that makes sense, I kind of always thought we’re instinctively drawn to our ideal mates and that’s what bothers me like . Is what I’m doing ‘wrong’ and forcing, or am I just becoming more mature in my vision of relationships?

@Tillyyyx And I’ve always felt when you truly feel for someone , the little aspects like a persons height or insignificant features really don’t bother you because you’re almost ‘blinded by love ‘ so the fact these minor details can be issues for me to work on it makes me question , is my love genuine

@KLN2008 I started listening to Relationship ROCD but Sheva Rajaee on podcast and you’re right it’s helped more than anything else I’ve read about! Thankyou x

When you say individual traits , are you comfortable to explain ? x

Comforting to know I’m not the only one struggling with the attraction aspect even though I’m sorry you have to go through it too! I guess it’s inevitable as no one can be perfect. Would you say that the fact you’ve grown together is more important than the physical attraction coming and going ? x

@Tillyyyx Sometimes. Sometimes it seems like everything. I have other things about my ROCD that make it difficult (having to do with religion and spirituality). Those makes it hard sometimes to. When things are good, in perfectly satisfied in my relationship. ROCD is just crappy and make it hard to enjoy anything for long.

@Maeday Yeah as @KLN2008 wrote in the comments earlier, to read relationship ROCD by Sheva Rajaee and wow! I downloaded the podcast and have started listening to it it’s helped more than anything else I’ve read/done ! Highly recommend to anyone