Fandom and PO-OCD

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

So, my main thing is that I've been worried about being attracted to and enjoying NSFW stuff of fictional characters. Specifically characters with unknown ages, possibilities of being a minor, an adult in high school, a character who ages up/becomes 18, and then young adult characters who are 18-25. I just wonder if it's pedophilic, creepy, morally wrong to like these characters? And if it'd be weird as I age to continue liking them in those ways or new characters? Like, some examples. I'm attracted to Mark from the show Invincible. But he's 17-19 in each season. I didn't like him in season 1, but when season 2 came out I realized I started feeling attracted to him. But I'm also afraid I will feel that attraction when seeing s1 of him at 17 and stuff. But anyways, I just worry that if I'm like 23+ if it'd be wrong to continue being sexually/romantically attracted to him and fantasizing about him since he's 18/19? Then, I like Genshin Impact and Honkai Star Rail characters. And most of them don't have canon ages. All you got is looks and maybe some in game context. Some characters have age ranges of like 15-20, 16-18, etc. Or are adults but people say they look like kids. And I am attracted to/like NSFW stuff of some characters like that. I worry that it's wrong to do so, since they could be underaged and might very likely be so? And there's also an anime I watch where a character is 18 but still in high school, and I am definitely attracted to him. I have also been attracted to, fantasized, liked nsfw content of characters who are at first minors but then become 18 or age up to much older. That worries me a lot too because I'm afraid I'll see the underage version (especially if they look more or less the same) and feel attracted or find something sexualizing them and like it/not know. I'm asking this about fictional characters from any media too. So like, video games, anime, manga, etc. I do worry a lot about video games, like more realistic ones. Because they're based off real face models. And voice actors and stuff. Like, I worry if I were older and still attracted to or liking nsfw stuff of a video game character who is like 18 or just turned 18, or has a young voice actor idk that it'd be creepy? I just don't know if it's pedophilic and weird, especially if I was like 21/22+ or way older than these characters and supposed age ranges and still liking them in these ways or being introduced to new characters in these scenarios and feeling sexual/romantic attraction and having fantasies or liking nsfw. Because I think about it in real life, and like, it would be weird to be attracted to/sexually fantasize about someone whose age you don't know, who could very likely be a minor, who is 18/19 but in high school, or you knew them as a teen/kid and watched them grow up, or once they turn 18 you sexualize them (because I have done that with fictional characters), or are just much younger than you in general, right?

TW: themes of sexual abuse, exploitation, etc Hello I am feeling a bit distressed today. I realized I have pretty “sex negative” views which I feel like many stem from OCD and trauma. Some of my feelings are good and I would argue most stem from a healthy place but I feel like they impact my life and emotional state on an unhealthy level. For example feel VERY strongly about CSA, rape, sexual exploitation of any kind, unethical sex etc. I have a strong pattern recognization ability and see how so many things people deem as “sex positive” (porn, onlyfans, casual sex etc) have a net negative effect on society (abuse, cheating, stds, etc) I think a good amount of the population agrees with these values so I don’t feel alone in that but I feel like I spend so much time being sad over these things. I used to listen to a lot of sexual music growing up (mainly mainstream pop like Ke$ha and Rihanna) and then in my teens I listened to a lot of rap. I noticed how this made me sexualize myself growing up which makes me very uncomfortable and sad. Another thing which makes me sad is how so much of the population was exposed to pornography at a young age. I recently was at a estate sale and there were old playboy magazines and this man was showing his son who looked to be about 9 the magazines and it made me so uncomfortable because that’s grooming and abuse. I didn’t know what to do so I just said “ew” but I still feel guilty I did not do anything more. I just don’t know how to cope with these feelings. I am also Catholic and the abuse crisis has deeply impacted my ability to practice my faith. Two priests whom were close to my family got exposed for sexually abusing children. This is a big reason I have not been able to go to confession (which leads me to being unable to receive the Eucharist, which is a big deal). I constantly obsess over the fact I won’t be able to tell who is a sexual predator and it brings me great distress. Also, sexual music, sex scenes in movies, sexual jokes etc all make me deeply uncomfortable. Hearing about my friend’s sexual lives also makes me very uncomfortable and sad for them, in a way, if I deem their experiences unethical. I feel very upset when people sexualize themselves. I also hate when I experience sexual feelings myself and often find myself wishing I was asexual even though I wish to get married and be a mother. I feel judged by society for being a “prude” “puritanical” etc which feels incredibly invalidating as a lot of my trauma involves exploitation under the guise of “liberation” I don’t really know where I’m going here I think I just want to know if anyone feels similarly. I don’t find many people with views and feelings similar to myself. A lot of people online who I feel like my views overlap with (other Catholics, radical feminists, etc) have views which stem from a lot of judgement and hate whereas I feel like I just want everyone to be safe and happy. I think a lot of my feelings stem from my trauma but obsessions from OCD? For my other forms of OCD (contamination, harm, etc) I feel like exposure therapy helps but I don’t know how I’d go about exposure therapy with this then without further causing more distress. I feel very nervous opening up with anyone about this theme. If you read to the end thank you so much❤️‍🩹 I am sorry if this post was triggering at all to anyone else I just didn’t know where to go to open up about this :(