jumbled mess of me tryna figure out if i have ocd

ok so the first time i was like experiencing like a thing kinda, i think its called an episode, was before i thought i had any sort of anxiety disorder and i remember i used to watch a lot pf people reacting to "To Catch A Predator" episodes and it was nice until i had this idea or feeling of wondering if in the future i was gonna be like that and then i got scared and was like suppressing the thought as much as i could. and it kept bugging me for ages like at least 3 weeks where i was just constantly terrified of the fact of me being a predator in the future someday and i would get nervous and start checking myself whenever i saw a kid and then i started getting that anxiety thing (not gonna explain it but iykyk) and it just like made my anxiety way worse but over time i finally got over when i found out about the anxiety thing. but then i had another whole thing that was like a whole mess with bits of harm ocd, pocd, sh ocd, incest ocd, sexual orientation ocd and like worrying over what everyone thought of me too.(still going through it today) it was awful and torturous and i hated myself and i was just so confused on why im getting these thoughts and if there was something wrong with me or i wasnt normal and a danger to everyone until i was asking my dad if he ever had thoughts of "being a bad person basically" a lot and he mentioned something like "maybe you have ocd idk" he wasnt exactly serious but i started thinking about and then i was looking into and id never felt more included and safe then i did when i started reading about it and how theres others like me and im not like a danger or anything and i was reading all kinds of things about it and it was iust getting even more relatable, so then i asked my parents about it and if i could like get any help with it or at least a diagnosis just to see if im correct but they said that like i probably dont and people who have it suffer a lot and it affects their everyday life drastically or that ill just grow out of it and its just hormones and growing up. and at the time i hadnt rly thought about how it was affecting my life yet and i think the only thing i remember is that it was just extremely distressing and i was just terrified of myself most of the time and i didnt rly know if that was enough to call it ocd but i thought that it was because i was obsessing over things and i had compulsions such as scratching myself, poking myself, pulling my skin, fidgeting, downloading games and looking onto social media a lot, not looking at peoples faces, biting my lip, repeating religious phrases and more. and so i tried telling my siblings but they didnt think i had it that much, so i kinda went quiet about it for a bit. but then there were these times when my family would make jokes about me worrying over dumb stuff like about the food or the shows and so i got a bit fed up one day and asked my dad to stop making these jokes about me and that these obsessing are literally what i was trying to tell you about before and that its something that i cant rly control but then like idk why but everyone kinda got mad at me and i was mad at them and later that night i asked my older sister whom i share a room with about the whole thing and she was just super angry for some reason and she said that i was playing the victim and stuff but like i swear i wasnt tho because i was just trying to say "can you not joke about about this please" and i was like all quiet even but then my dad got real loud when he was talking and everyone could hear. and then in the morning i tried my best to be like hidden kinda because i didnt know what to think and i thought i embarrassed myself so much but i was still confused on why my sister was mad at me so i asked her again and she said that its basically because earlier i guess they were talking about my dad potentially getting laid off and having to save money incase something happens i guess but then i just come up here and ask him to not talk about this and to maybe like get some help or a diagnosis which costs money and also nobody told me about this i barely knew anything, but my sister said sorry and that she overreacted a bit and we were fine now but i still dont get why my dad was angry or wouldnt let me see someone and i decided that i dont rly need a diagnosis and that i could handle this myself and so i just shut up about it till today which is like around 4 months after it happened. it has gotten worse and i dont have that much support with me besides like a half dead discord server i post rants on and a few friends that ive told about this. i have started to like make notes on like my obsessions and compulsions and the ways it affects my daily life like just incase i get the courage to maybe ask my dad again idk. tbh im still not sure i have ocd because ive only been aware of it for like 6 months and i hadnt rly had moments when i was a small child that i remembered about me having it but i do know a few but theyre hard to remember, but idk if its enough and like i am also still a child and i dont know if it really is just the growing up process and its nothing rly. but there are also times when ive had like lots pf health scares and scared my parents when i was younger like i used to think i had cancer or a tumor that now that i think about were probably times when i had ocd as im writing this. but even if i did i still dont rly know how i would get help for it, like how do i ask my parents without asking them because i just really do not want to bring up ocd around them because then they might not take me maybe idk. i also dont rly know what would happen once i did go to someone, like if i got diagnosed then what yk, like my family would take me seriously ig but what would that do cuz like they've kinda stopped making the jokes about me worrying over dumb things, ig id be able to be more open about it and use it to explain my weird habits. or maybe i would find out that maybe i dont have ocd and its something else or it's literally just nothing even idkkk

OCD newbies

Sunflowerr444

Date posted: 6w

**talks about SA**

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.

sopaesco

Date posted: 6w

Being pushed aside [long vent]

I’m kind of frustrated because for YEARS I’ve been trying to express my concerns. For about 6-7 years I’ve been concerned about having OCD. I’m not diagnosed and I want to talk to a professional to confirm whether or not I have it. I have been struggling with several symptoms over many years of my life and it has been absolutely distressing. I’ve expressed my concerns to two doctors. One of them pretended like they didn’t hear me and the other did give me scenarios that I experience. When I said yes to the ones that applied to me, she said “well it’s very normal for people to wash their hands a lot and check door locks” well yeah but what I experience is so much more than that and it’s been absolutely horrendous. I have super bad compulsions and intrusive thoughts, at some point I broke a TV because I felt like I had to throw these little coasters at it for 5 times. And then after those 5 times, the way I threw it didn’t feel right, so I had to do it again and again until it felt right and then it broke :/ The doctor later told me that they can recommend me to professionals but my mom didn’t want me to because of fear that I can get medicated. But I just want to talk to a professional to be able to express my concerns about it. I also feel bad about talking about what I experience because I don’t want people to think that I’m trying to self diagnose myself. I just want to be able to recognize my struggles and try to overcome what I go through. All I want is help. At some point I went to therapy and I had three sessions and then my mom pulled me out. But in those sessions I haven’t talked about my struggles with OCD yet, I was talking about other issues and my therapist was still trying to get to know me. :( Sometimes when I’ve talked to my parents they don’t really try to listen. Sometimes they tell me “well everyone has a little bit of OCD”. Okay, well I’m not talking about everyone, I’m talking about ME. And back when I struggled so much with violent intrusive thoughts, it was also a time where I felt like I HAD to tell my parents about every thought that I had. And my parents were concerned and thought that I was just in general violent. But I’m not violent, I don’t believe these things. And they STILL don’t want to hear me out on my concerns after all of that. I just want to feel validated with what I go through. I am convinced that I struggle with OCD, but I want to be SURE. I don’t want to feel like I’m self diagnosing. I want to KNOW what I’ve been experiencing all these years. I really do like this app because I feel like I finally relate to other people and that I can REALLY talk about my struggles while being understood. Whether or not if I do have it, I feel really understood and I really understand and relate with others. But anyways I hope I can figure this whole thing out one day😓🙏

FallenSun

Date posted: 5w

uhh do i have ocd-

So scared to post this not wanting to sound dramatic incase i dont have it so uh yeah lets go Ive been struggling with this ocd spiral, googling everything i can, taking stupid test that prob dont mean anything, i dont really have compulsions i think? but anyways i cant let it go unless i know. ill give list of reasons why - I get intrusive thoughts i dont want, like sexual or harm related ones, multiple times a day- Yes ik intrusive thoughts are normal so this is probably nothing. To try and give an idea on how many or how constant- when i look at something either that be a person, pet, or an object can be fictional things to- there is a high chance of a thought or mental image popping up -I feel shame and guilty about it because it goes against everything, im asexual so having these thoughts about my family or animals is really upsetting and disturbing bc why am i thinking this, it doesn't feel normal -i try and push them away by blinking, shaking my head, or just walk away from what triggered them -i spiral trying to figure out whats wrong with me for example ofc my brain thinking i have ocd and it filling my brain. or can be about physical health or other mental health disorders- -i constantly am switching between thinking i have it to im faking it. When i see symptoms i have i think, "Okay wait, i must have it" to where when i see a symptom i don't have, i tell myself. "No im just lying for attention or im being dramatic and these aren't real problems". but like rn im struggling with thinking none of this really even happened and i'm just saying things so ppl think sm wrong with me - sometiems i avoid things that trigger it- not alot but like when i get a thought about my dog when im about to pet her, i stop- and walk away becuase it might come true. -i fear something is wrong with me, wether it be my mind, body, health, personality- -im scared to open up about these thoughts becuase im scared people will thing im lying, im weird, or ill be sent to a mental hospital. -also reassuring-seeking. now this isnt a big thing to me but when i think i offended someone i have to say "sorry if i offended you" or if i think i annoyed someone i must say "sorry if i annoyed you", OR i kinda down talk myself saying im annoying, there annoyed with me, they hate me This has been nagging me for days, and i cant get it to stop- BECAUSE what if i do and i don't get it diagnosed and ill deal with this forever or whatever, ik ppl have it worse and i'm probably being dramatic, high possibility. but i'm also scared to tell a therapist bc of that same exact reason and fear of being called dramatic and its all in your head. but uhm hopefully i didn't say anything bad and didn't repeat anything.

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jumbled mess of me tryna figure out if i have ocd

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