This has been hell

Hey everyone! I’m new to this app and wanted to share my story and maybe get some advice from y’all. So up until all of this started, I pretty much was boy crazy (my first crush on a boy was at 7 years old) and had never thought about being with a girl at all. I haven’t been officially diagnosed but am working on what I feel is hocd. Anyways the thoughts started out as concerns about my relationship with my boyfriend. I also went through a big depressive episode because of school that really effected my self confidence. One night my roommate had a tv show about gay people on tv and that’s where the thoughts started. My brain has analyzed past events and tried to use that as evidence to say that I’m gay/bi or it even tried to latch onto my best friend that I’ve known since my freshman year of college. I’ve also dealt with my brain trying to check if I find them attractive or not (which if I don’t at first my brain tries to convince me I do. At some points my brain just screams BI at me all the time. I’ve noticed when I’m busy that I tend to not have as much of these thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship have also popped up but have been not as loud of a voice in my head. Even last week when I saw my boyfriend again he gave me a hug and I just felt so happy and in love. I’ve always dreamt of a normal life (husband and kids) and when I think about my boyfriend and I getting married it makes me really happy but I’m scared I’m not gonna have that and I’m gonna lose my boyfriend which I don’t want to happen since we worked so hard to get back together. Any advice from y’all?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

I’m sorry you have to go through this. It’s not fair to us when we haven’t questioned it our whole lives. I’ve read somewhere that you can’t just lose your attraction to your preferred sex all of the sudden. That stays with you your whole life but the anxiety messes with your mind and can make you think it’s gone. I realized that my old attraction has always been there, I’ve just been so anxious that it has been clouded and makes me hyper aware of all of the things I wasn’t aware if before. One thing that makes me think this is ocd is one night it completely flipped and I was worried about my boyfriend getting bored of me and leaving.

Anonymously2

Date posted: 3y

Same with you, I hope you will recover. It’s just really hard and makes you anxious and depressed all the time. The moment you don’t have thoughts you know they will come back

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

@San2 I think there are multiple sources to this. One being how hurt I was in a relationship prior to this, the other being the depression I experienced. I think because I was in such a vulnerable state and was feeling really numb that my brain just latched onto that.

Anonymously2

Date posted: 3y

@Anonymous Yes same, I’m really insecure and was a really unstable state mentally, I had 2 people who passed that year and that was really stressfull

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

@San2 I also think because this is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve been in and my mind has to have something to worry about. It also could be that I’ve known him long enough that the honeymoon phase isn’t existent rn. Not that we don’t love each other but it’s moved to the more mature love phase where we aren’t obsessed with each other

Anonymously2

Date posted: 3y

@Anonymous Yes exaty

Anonymously2

Date posted: 3y

@San2 Exactly*

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

And the false attractions are the worst because they feel so genuine but they’re always followed by anxiety or distress

Anonymously2

Date posted: 3y

Yes omg same it’s so horrible and makes me doubt everything even more

Anonymously2

Date posted: 3y

I have the same, it started with a miserable feeling one day, not knowing where it came from. So like I always do I wanted to find the reason I was feeling that way (when I got that feeling I had been together for over half a year with my boyfriend) one day I was with my boyfriend an he was a bit annoying, nothing weird because he is many times annoying. But that time I became scared of it like, omg I find him annoying, that must mean that I don’t like him anymore. And then I linked my miserable and depressed feeling to him and since then it never stopped and became worse. Then a half year later he broke up with me because he didn’t felt i anymore and wanted to be single because of his age. I was heartbroken and realised those thoughts were just a self protection because I feared losing him because he was being distant for a long time (I realised afterwards) then I still had the thoughts for a while after we broke up but they fade. Then one night I had a dream about a classmate I knew for already 2 years and never felt anything for or something (a girl) I dreamt that she liked me and that I didn’t like her back but I woke up and was so scared of that dream that it became a new obsession: hocd. I recognised that I must not think about it because I knew it will end up just like the rocd thoughts but just because I was so trying so hard not to think about it it became the same as with rocd: a new obsession. And now half a year later I still have it and my rocd thoughts are mixed up with it but are mostly on the background. The hocd is the worse now and it is even more horrible than rocd. I have phases were it is on the background and don’t bother me but I also have phases I doubt everything and become so stressed about it

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