I’m not trying to offend anyone out there . I just need to know that ocd is playing tricks on me and this is not what I want . Ofc I’ve been doing compulsions like googling. I’ve been look up symptoms of gender dysphoria . I’m afraid that I’ll one day want to cut my boobs off . This is really scary to think about I’ve always loved my female body I have a very nice body . But now this hocd or tocd w.e is making me scared . What if I don’t like my body as a women? It make me sad because I see other women and they look all pretty and stuff with makeup and I think to myself . “ I like that stuff , I don’t want to be a man , I don’t even know how to be a man , I wanna feel like a women and be the woman I am . “ but there’s a voice in my head trying to tell me I’m in denial . Or this is what I want . I remember when I had this theme ocd the first time how relieved I felt when it finally left my brain I felt myself again for a good two weeks till I eventually got pocd . ( witch also scary ) . The point I’m trying to make is . Are people who are actually going through this feel this depressed and in a dark place ? Because I know it’s not easy for them to do that either . And it makes me feel like the feeling I’m having is true . Even though I’ve loved my body and been in girl stuff for 18 years. But I’ve seen people start to want to be trans out of nowhere . That’s scary for me . I’ve never felt like this before . I feel like this time it’s hitting me harder then before . The thought of me being a boy makes me cry and feel like my original self is being taken a way from me . Ocd has been ruining my life for months now . Most of 2019 ive been extremely depressed and anxious . It’s caused me depersonalization and causes me to literally wake up and go to sleep and live life with a rock on my chest I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and nobody around me helps or understand. I’m trying to help myself but it is so hard . I wanted to have babies one day and start a family . Ocd is even stripping me away from that by trying to make me believe I want to be a man . I’ve had thoughts of suicide over 10 times this year due to these thoughts . I want to live a happy life . Being myself . I can’t take this . I ask myself everyday what did I do to deserve this ? I literally cry everyday. Every night . I am afraid of what my life will turn out to be living with this mental illness.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’ve lost so much weight due to this mental illness. I sleep 18 hours a day to escape these thoughts. I grieve my old self so much. I miss crushing on men, I miss loving men, I miss dressing up nice and get compliments from men, I miss listening to music and daydream about my dream man. I miss wanting to get married and have my own kids with my dream husband. All of those things… I’ve desired them so much and I’ve daydreamed about them so much. My OCD is telling me that it’s all fake. I miss my old desire and love for men. I’m so tired of being alive. I’m so tired of seeing multiple posts where people who apparently suffered from SOOCD became their fears. I’m so tired. Cause y’all probably didn’t even have ocd in the first place idc. I will say it again, has it been someone with pocd or harm ocd and their obsessions/fears became true NONE of y’all would’ve had the same reaction. Stop normalizing soocd obsessions becoming true. It is someone’s worst nightmare. People are out here attempting because of it.

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

I wouldn’t really say I have SO-OCD, but it manifests in some areas of my TOCD. Like if I see a woman for example my thoughts will go “what if I like her but as a man?” like my thoughts say I’m a straight man instead of a straight woman. And it’s really bothering me. If I see an attractive woman my brain will re-wire and imagine myself as a man looking at an attraction woman and it gets super uncomfortable that I have to like shake my head and say “no no no no no” multiple times to get the thought out. I know that counts as a compulsion but it’s hard to not do it because it’s so triggering. Now I don’t mind if I like women, however I’m really scared that I’m actually a straight man who likes women (or at least a bisexual man, considering I like men) and I hate it because I don’t want to be a man. Like I’ll think of my desired relationship as a woman dating a man but my OCD will switch it up to me being the man dating the woman, which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to be a man at all and I don’t want to date a woman, both of those are the opposite of my desires, but I’m still so scared. I’ll accept myself if I actually like women and am a bisexual woman, however I heard that being bisexual can mean being trans which scares me (for the record it was said in reddit by a sub which is mainly focused on a pseudoscientific phenomenon, that is still believed by the members to be true, so it’s definitely not a trustworthy statement, but my OCD will use anything to work against me) Does anyone here relate a little? 🥲