I’m not trying to offend anyone out there . I just need to know that ocd is playing tricks on me and this is not what I want . Ofc I’ve been doing compulsions like googling. I’ve been look up symptoms of gender dysphoria . I’m afraid that I’ll one day want to cut my boobs off . This is really scary to think about I’ve always loved my female body I have a very nice body . But now this hocd or tocd w.e is making me scared . What if I don’t like my body as a women? It make me sad because I see other women and they look all pretty and stuff with makeup and I think to myself . “ I like that stuff , I don’t want to be a man , I don’t even know how to be a man , I wanna feel like a women and be the woman I am . “ but there’s a voice in my head trying to tell me I’m in denial . Or this is what I want . I remember when I had this theme ocd the first time how relieved I felt when it finally left my brain I felt myself again for a good two weeks till I eventually got pocd . ( witch also scary ) . The point I’m trying to make is . Are people who are actually going through this feel this depressed and in a dark place ? Because I know it’s not easy for them to do that either . And it makes me feel like the feeling I’m having is true . Even though I’ve loved my body and been in girl stuff for 18 years. But I’ve seen people start to want to be trans out of nowhere . That’s scary for me . I’ve never felt like this before . I feel like this time it’s hitting me harder then before . The thought of me being a boy makes me cry and feel like my original self is being taken a way from me . Ocd has been ruining my life for months now . Most of 2019 ive been extremely depressed and anxious . It’s caused me depersonalization and causes me to literally wake up and go to sleep and live life with a rock on my chest I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and nobody around me helps or understand. I’m trying to help myself but it is so hard . I wanted to have babies one day and start a family . Ocd is even stripping me away from that by trying to make me believe I want to be a man . I’ve had thoughts of suicide over 10 times this year due to these thoughts . I want to live a happy life . Being myself . I can’t take this . I ask myself everyday what did I do to deserve this ? I literally cry everyday. Every night . I am afraid of what my life will turn out to be living with this mental illness.