Ok so I’m getting worried that I’m not worrying and feeling scared that I want to be a boy or that is who I’m meant to be and that I was lying to myself and that before this all happened and was stepping further into my femininity it was me just being hyper feminine to hide that I was a boy or something I don’t know I’m so confused and really stress I’m not at home right and just want to go home so bad (currently doing like an orientation thing and they were talking about memory and stuff) and Im just so confused because I don’t necessarily feel brain fog or depersonalization or anything and I can seem to remember my memories but they aren’t how I used to think of them before. I can’t perceive myself as a girl anymore and just feel as though that I’ll never have a relationship ship that I want or any relationship in the future for that matter. I do believe women are attractive because they are but I never wanted to be with them and now I just don’t know if I was lying to myself or something I literally just want to cry and my body is always on lockdown and I’m so scared I won’t be comfortable with myself again and when I do i just think like no this is how you should be feeling or something I’m so hurt about this I just want to be secure and confident with myself again and feel good about myself and feel like a girl!!

@khm hi! the fear of lying is part of OCD. i often have this fear to as do most, if not all OCD suffers! i struggled with thoughts of wanting to be a boy when i’m a girl and it scared me because i had no idea where it came from. my brain said that this could be true because i was tomboy when i was little but grew into being more of a girly girl and although i still love stereotypical “boy” things like football, i don’t want to be a boy as i am happy being and expressing myself as a girl and that is okay! i take a deep breath when overwhelmed and my brain becomes more clear! as i know my identity and know that it is simply just OCD that causes the doubts that i have i find it easy to accept the fact that uncertainty is certainly and therefore i stopped testing and analysing how i felt every second of everyday. i found that i was able to forget about such thoughts and therefore being gay/trans isn’t for me! questioning especially in terms of OCD does not mean that you are the thing that you question! i additionally took a “what will be will be” approach and although i know that i am a girl and that i’m straight i do not give my OCD the certainty that it wants, i reply “what will be will be” because i know that i have control of how i want my life to be and who i want to be in the future. a reminder that you are allowed to find a woman/girl attractive without being gay! you’re going to be okay, i promise! :)

@justtryingtobeme How did you react when you didn’t get anxiety when seeing someone good looking or about a thought. I’ve had SOOCD for awhile now.. but now the anxiety is not all there which is worrying me

@Anonymous it was my goal not to have the thoughts or have anxiety when i saw someone who i thought was good looking as i knew that it didn’t mean anything but i still got the thought and that was the source of my torment. so i was happy and relieved. i have also experienced it differently in which i have questioned as to whether a lack of anxiety meant that i had somehow “accepted” being gay but i knew that wasn’t true and batted that thought away :)

@justtryingtobeme Thank you for your words. When I don’t have the anxiety it feels like I am becoming gay. Which scares the crap out of me. I know not having anxiety is a good thing, but in this case I want there to be some anxiety, so I know it’s OCD.. Crap is just annoying.

@Anonymous no i completely understand and you’re so welcome. i have the same anxiety with my harm subtype sometimes :’) you’ll get there eventually i promise. there was a time where i thought i would never get through it and i have. it is possible! don’t give up, you’re so strong!❤️

@justtryingtobeme You’re amazing. Thank you so much for your words and kindness.

@Anonymous you’re amazing! you’re welcome! happy to help :)

@justtryingtobeme That’s really helpful and I appreciate your story a lot!! I’m sorry you had gone through that but it’s so good to know you were able to get past it! I grew up the same way where I just was revolted by a lot of girly stuff maybe because my mom liked it or something like the color pink especially I can remember not liking that color but growing to absolutely love it and it becoming my favorite color but now I just feel as though it was all a lie and I was maybe being inauthentic or something? I don’t know why!! I keep telling myself just cause I’m so tired of these thoughts and telling myself well then ok fine I do like girls or also ok fine I am a boy and it feels as though it alleviates some of my stress I suppose but then later throughout the day I just end up not feeling good about myself at all, I’d like I can’t tell if being a girl will make me happy anymore but every time I look in the mirror or something and “act” like a boy or think about being like a boy and therefore having to adopt these characteristics that makes boys, boys I just hate how I feel and it doesn’t feel like me but I can’t tell if it’s something that I want if that makes sense or if that how I want to identify and then I’m like ok but no this doesn’t make me feel comfortable it just makes me feel weird and unnatural but then I guess the ruminating the begins all over again and I’m just like stuck, I also just don’t feel like a girl anymore and am scared I’m losing my attraction to men and that I’d rather be with women or something but i don’t think I do, but false sensations are so hard to identify as being false (sorry this is so long!! Omg so sorry!!) I just feel lost like everything I’m doing is the wrong thing and ever step I make I think so heavily about and how it’ll impact me I guess I’m not sure I just don’t feel like myself anymore and my thoughts had attached to angel numbers I’m not sure if it’s a confirmation that they’re ocd or of something else I’m trying to not check or ruminate and just trying to remind myself it’s possibly coincidence but it’s so hard not to check the time like I have to do it if i am starting to get anxious or starting to get those intrusive thoughts I have to check and know what the time is (ok that’s all I’m so sorry about that long reply I guess I just wanted to go a little more in-depth about how I’ve been feeling)

@Anonymous I feel the same way! At this point any thought I have just exhausts me beyond end and I become so depressed because I just don’t feel like myself anymore and sometimes I try accepting these thoughts that maybe they are who I am and I do have to identify that way but there’s always just something that gets disgusted at the thought of having to act as a guy and that I have to like girls but I just feel as though that that’s not me and that I really don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with a girl but not feeling like myself anymore idk what I even want and can’t tell if I’ll be happy as a girl again and sometimes when I do feel like myself again it’s just as you said it feels like I’m accepting being gay and so I force myself to ruminate or it just beings to plague my mind again and it makes me want to cry because I don’t want to be gay or identify as a guy but it just sucks when you don’t feel like who you were anymore and you don’t feel like your assigned gender (sorry for the long post it’s all so confusing though and it just feels like you always have to know and check to be certain but it never lasts and then I get so scared that down the line or in the future I’ll think yeah I am gay or yeah I am a guy/ girl( in other cases) and it just freaks me out because I don’t want to identify that way)(and then I get scared or think that I’m in denial but I just have no idea everything is so confusing)

@khm i found that although i don’t want to be a boy, my OCD still didn’t want me to rest with the fact that i am happy as a girl as sometimes i still get this doubt but i just brush it off as it doesn’t cause me the same amount of anxiety as it once did. something that helped me was saying to myself “i am going to find me, whoever that may be” so that it didn’t give OCD the opportunity to argue with me or make me question/doubtful/uncomfortable when i went about my day as a straight girl lol. learning to accept that uncertainty is certainty keep you out of that rumination loop and although you will feel the urge to test, try not to! i know it’s hard but trust me it’s the only way! you’re going to be okay! <3