I want these urges and thoughts and feelings to leave. I hate feeling like I want to or have to hurt someone. I hate feeling like I have to get up right now and do it. Or the urge to punch my friend when I’m with you. I hate how real this feels. Like I’m someone I don’t even know anymore. I want it to all go away. I know we aren’t supposed to wish it away but I do. I don’t want to feel like this. Like I’m some evil monster laying in wait. I hate it.

Hi, I want to give you my perspective, as a woman who started having Harm OCD about 7.5 weeks ago. It came after I had to admit to my husband that I had a flirtation with a man while I was on vacation. My husband has always been terrible with communication, by telling me everything is fine… then within a day or two turning 180 degrees on me to saying he’s upset and nothing is fine. This created my extreme levels of stress and uncertainty. I have the pure obsession form of Harm OCD, so only mental compulsions. And through my process (of which I have done most of without a therapist) I started with understanding “this is going to take some time & work, and if I put effort into it everyday, I can do it.” So I first educated myself: learning as much about OCD and mental compulsions as I could. I also had to take the big step of telling my husband “something happened to me, and I have a difficult anxiety disorder.” He had a very hard time understanding. But this had to be done, and even now, I don’t know how I was so strong. Next, I had to find a psychiatrist, which took a few weeks. I just started sessions with him at the beginning of June (which was when the Harm OCD suddenly went into physical harm obsessions, not only the shouting mean words). This week was extremely terrifying. And right now even as I write this, I’m exercising my thought analysis to accept the OCD thoughts. The psychiatrist hasn’t even started any official OCD work with me yet, but I worked on my own ERP schedule as I went. I started a little too high on the scale by chopping a bunch of vegetables, then walking around the house with the knife. So I had a huge burnout. But after a few days I already noticed improvement. This was my pretty decent proof of having Harm OCD. Not really much uncertainty about that anymore, which is good enough. I then researched more (which was sometimes a compulsion), and learned about mindfulness, as it works for Buddhist monks. I was willing to try whatever I could, so I continued trying to let the thoughts come while being mindful throughout my day. And of course, always going home to my husband. No matter how I felt, I never avoided that. Ultimately I’m trying to save my marriage, and if I need to fight every moment, then it’s what I have to do. My husband started to be extremely supportive in everything as much as he can be and when I need him. This is so important in an OCD journey. I feel it’s made it a little easier. The last 3 weeks have not been full of linear improvement. My psychiatrist has been out of town and we are only on session 3. But I feel I had to count on myself, with my own determination, intelligence, and bravery to confront this as best as I can. I only know life must continue, and now after all these weeks, I see how some of the older shouting type harm obsessions are going away. So it is possible to make it through. I am wishing I had a twice per week specialist to help me. But that schedule doesn’t seem to exist for any doctor right now. I’ve used other personal interests to help me along the way as well: getting more involved in my Christianity with my family, studying artwork, and continuing exercise. Also having a daily routine for both weekdays and weekends is very important. You have to try to maintain normal activities with ERP and mindfulness. This recipe has been the most helpful for me. You will learn as you go, and see if you can use a few resources: -have at least one very special friend or loved one to help you when you truly need it (not for reassurance!) -do your ERPs when you can and when the therapist advises, just keep an analytical eye out for mental compulsions. They usually come in to stop the thinking. If you’re still feeling anxiety, stay in the thought and get detailed with it. You will eventually feel the calming effect of facing your fear. It sort of feels like a wave of calmness. DO NOT white-knuckle through it or cry. This will take some practice, but just keep trying. -try to find this YouTube video title: How to Disengage from Harm OCD & Re-engage in Your Life (by ADAA GotAnxiety). It’s a lecture that will help you (and your loved ones) understand the concept of why OCD is happening to you and how it’s working in your mind. -look into Thich Nhat Hanh for some basic meditations between your ERPs. It will help you focus on the task at hand as you continue a daily routine. Always remember to let the thoughts come and don’t fight them. (You never had to fight them before you had OCD!) -eventually also try looking at Shaolin Master Shi Heng Yi. He is good at helping you understand how and why you think about anxious thoughts in general. Remember: OCD is an anxiety disorder. If you learn to understand and cope better, you’re less likely to have episodes in life. -Finally, remember that you are not the only one who has this. But you are the only one who can figure out what you need to do to heal.

I'm in ur boat. I'm sobbing. I don't know what to do with myself. Ever since I got home from college a few months ago my OCD has flared up again. I feel like I'm changed and that I want to do these things. I know this isn't me but it makes me feel awful and insane. It's ruining my life

I’m so sorry! I understand. I’m so fed up as well.

I'm going through this right now, it's absolutely exhausting and terrifying. We will get through this! ❤️

This might sound cliche but, I was exactly where you are just a few months ago, I hated myself, I hated waking up every day cause it meant I had to question myself constantly!

Just give it time, and most of all know you are not your intrusive thoughts, you are not your fears, be bold and have courage, you know who you are, don’t let this crap make you question yourself into depression