I just finally felt like I was getting a handle on my OCD and my life, growing, being happy, being in the present… I hadn’t spiraled too badly in almost two months… and all of a sudden, a lot of really stressful things coincided and it’s all back. I struggle with ROCD the most of all my themes and someone came back into my life during a very stressful time, and now I’m all messed up again. I’m so tired of being alone (I’ve been single for 2 years) and I’m tired of just ~feeling~ alone. I don’t feel like I can even talk to anyone about it. I also know my OCD wants to do anything to keep me from being alone, yet I’ve conquered that over the last two years a lot. I just am done with it. I knew OCD could and would come back, and it was just a lull, but I am so overwhelmed and distraught that it’s back. I’m afraid of tomorrow. Afraid of the silence again. Afraid of it and myself. I hate it. Maybe I avoid relationships forever. I absolutely hate this and am so scared.

I am really sorry to hear that this is happening to you and am glad you felt comfortable sharing your story. I am about to start treatment (with my first session for my ROCD being today) but I hear you and would like to support and encourage you. I must also confess that I didn’t know that ROCD was a thing for people not actively in relationships, but it makes sense, given that someone returned during a stressful part of your life. In your post I am seeing two major things, a lot of frustration, and a lot of fear. Both of these are very understandable. For the frustration, I would encourage you to remember that, (assuming you were treated by an OCD therapist,) you do have the skills to get yourself to a good place again, and your set of coping mechanisms that were effective before will be effective now. It may be worth it to schedule a few booster sessions to help you. If you haven’t been actively treated yet, it would be an excellent idea. As for the fear and worry, do you know why we do that? The reason we worry is for a false sense of control. My therapist for Body Dysmorphic Disorder told me that and I still remember almost a decade later. Being afraid of the could be’s is tough but very understandable. Try to remember that tomorrow could also be better than today or yesterday and that you can once again return to a place of peace if you’re able to use skills, and give yourself a break without judgement for falling into a lull. Try not to make such grandiose statements such as you’ll avoid relationships forever, or you can’t get back on track. It may not always be simple, but with proper help if you haven’t already had it, it can become easier and easier, and you will be able to find a way out. Lastly, remember that recovery isn’t a straight line on a graph that indicates improvement. That expectation isn’t realistic. There will be setbacks and there will be dips. This is normal and okay, but these can become much smaller and shorter if you keep a good thought and keep working.

I’m feeling the exact same. All I do everyday is worry about being in a relationship and how I think I’ll never find one and if I do I won’t like it or I won’t want to do anything sexual with them because I just don’t think I’m capable of doing it and it’s making me want to never have a relationship and be alone forever