- Date posted
- 3y
I can’t do this
I can’t deal with the real event ocd guilt. I just can’t. It doesn’t matter what I do it bothers me every single day 💔
I can’t deal with the real event ocd guilt. I just can’t. It doesn’t matter what I do it bothers me every single day 💔
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Thank you I just hope I’m not the exception. That it’s not the worst. I was young and didn’t know I was even making a mistake at the time and it wasn’t the intention at the time either whatsoever. I just feel so horrible and stupid for being so dumb a few years ago. I would change everything if it was possible. I absolutely hate myself and your right we are our own worst judges. You’d think even after telling people everything and them telling me to forgive myself and move on would be enough but apparently not. I just feel so stuck in this horrible hell in my mind and there’s nothing I can do about it. I really appreciate the encouragement though. Maybe I’m just having a moment I don’t know but I’ve been having them a lot
@redcushion Absolutely I would never do it again knowing what I know now. I just wish I knew better then. Anyways you’re right. It’s probably just ocd drawing it out worse than it needs to be right now. I had one drink tonight too which definitely could have made it worse also. Thank you for helping me I appreciate it
I needed this, thank you
You will get thru this! I been there and I know you may feel diffent because our stories don’t match , but just know a lot of people are going thru similar things . I once thought I wouldn’t recover from this theme but I did
@Brian :) That’s great to hear. I hope one day I will be ok again unfortunately right now I wish I could have answers but I can’t. That’s not how it works. I’m just constantly terrified every second of everyday and I’m so drained
I'm sorry, that you are struggling so much, but here is one thing that gives me hope, not only for myself, but for ever other OCD sufferer. Till the middle of last year, I couldn't stop myself from doing compulsions for my MT OCD, I had been scared that, if I don't do them something horrible would happen. But after I started ERP last year and I kept resisting my compulsions, I barely see my MT OCD thoughts and me not doing compulsions as dangerous. I therefore hope, that after successfully starting ERP against POCD, I also will realize, that nothing has happened in the past (False Memory OCD regarding POCD topics) and that my POCD is only thoughts and has no meaning.
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.
I don’t see a path forward with this. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I can’t stand the feeling of feeling guilty all day and having a headache all day. I’m probably too afraid to do anything, but I don’t know what to do
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