having a hard time

i keep thinking that I’m using tocd as an excuse to avoid the truth that I might be a boy. I never thought that I felt this way at least not when I was younger and I thought I was normal and like any other girl. But now I keep remembering so much stuff from my childhood and it feels true and it was just something I didn’t know about until I guess I’ve gained the knowledge to understand how I felt? I’m not really sure I’m always confused and I feel like my head is going to explode, but I don’t feel like a girl anymore and I don’t feel connected to my body in the way I once was. Everything that I held as a value seems to be turning into something so morally against my character or something. I used to constantly feel like though that I was still finding myself or something as in like what I wanted to do career wise and how I wanted to dress like my aesthetic but I never felt like I was in the wrong body or that I wanted to be a boy. I of course had moments where the typical girl thing would be that boys lives are so much easier but I never wanted to be a boy or was envious of their gender. I love or I guess loved being a girl and didn’t want to change that. I’m not sexually attracted to women I really don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want to be that masculine figure in a relationship or in any other area and life but I can’t help but think that this is my true self but I just don’t want to be a boy I loved being a girl and wearing makeup and dressing up and doing girl things but now all of a sudden it’s like I want to do every manly thing in existence idk but I know those things I don’t enjoy. I don’t know I’m so confused and can’t help but feel like I’m using ocd as an excuse and lying to myself and then when I remind myself it is ocd it just feels wrong idk maybe this is who I am and to be honest I just want to cry but even then I can’t tell if that’s real or not and that I’m crying because I still want to be a girl or just crying to cry idk

Username: nicklepicklenicklepickle

Date posted: 2y ago

tocd is the most painful theme i’ve ever dealt with. as a cis woman who really values her femininity it was fucking horrible. all these false memories and intrusive thoughts plaguing you are not yours. if the idea of transitioning gives you severe anxiety, it’s not likely you are not trans as trans people WANT to transition. despite all of this, why does it matter in the long run? who cares if you’re trans? how detrimental could it really be IF you were? these thoughts were the only ones that helped me get through my tocd. as wrong and anxiety inducing as it may seem, accepting that maybe your ocd is right about you is the one thing that takes away it’s power. it thrives off of uncertainty, and by not giving into that uncertainty, the ocd can’t win.

Username: f_ocdf_ocd

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 36w ago

@nicklepickle Appreciating this two years later

Username: rayellerayelle

Date posted: 2y ago

Hey. So, I was born a girl and now identify as nonbinary. I question if I would like to be a man sometimes. Having OCD within itself is already painful. And then struggling with gender identity is a whole other thing that can be painful, too. I also used to love being a girl, but suddenly I've had this aversion to my female body. I want to tell you that I can totally sympathize with what you're saying. I know this is hard, but it is something that takes time. Gender is such a huge spectrum that it gets awfully difficult to navigate. But, the best support that I can offer to you is that experimenting, even if it's just in your room with appearance is something that I've done and it sort of allowed me to validate those masculine feelings that I had. I know there is no quick solution to this, but vocalizing this is so huge and I want to say it's awesome that you shared with this platform, because I guarantee that so many people here can relate. Please remember that regardless of your gender, and whether you choose to pursue your journey as a female or a man, you are wonderful.

Username: khm khm

Date posted: 2y ago

@polishgirl i believe that I definitely do still have Tocd and that this is Tocd but it’s gets to a point so overwhelming that I no longer want to be alive and I think of feel as though the only to feel better or to lessen that overwhelming feeling is to just tell myself that yeah maybe I am or something and so every time I do that it just feels like I’m convincing myself or that I have convinced myself that I am but usually the loop continues and I begin ruminating and I have to go through it all over again. I don’t want to be a boy and I love my feminity and when I do get to that point of feeling better or maybe saying that I am a boy or transgender I have no further intentions of dressing like a boy or changing anything about my body nor do I have any desire to really be with a woman or in any relationship for that matter as a boy. I don’t want that but it’s hard to understand and have some sort of clarity about my thoughts if that makes any sense

Username: khm khm

Date posted: 2y ago

I’ve watched videos about being transgender and idk if I found it validating I think I might’ve but idk and ugh it makes me want to throw up I don’t want to be this but I can’t help but think it’s denial and I want to cry right now and I keep feeling like I’m feeling phantom groinal responses like that I want to have a man’s body idk I think I remember somewhere people feeling that too when they identified as transgender

Username: khm khm

Date posted: 2y ago

@khm i have also never been with in a serious relationship which I feel like makes this so much harder and I’m scared to ever be in one now because I’m afraid of being intimate and then feeling this confirmation that I am transgender. I’m worried that if I get past this and it is TOCD that I’ll end up being transgender in the future or something or switching genders. And it sucks because it doesn’t feel like ocd at all. I can’t tell if I genuinely want to switch my gender identity and that this is my true self or something and I can’t tell if I’m in denial or not. I don’t feel scared or anxious. I just get stressed and worried that I will switch my gender or something or that I am a boy idk I don’t want to be though I love being a girl and every time I feel better I get stuck in my head and ruminate about everything and think that being a girl isn’t my true self or something and that I belong in this state of mind of always questioning or something or being stressed about my gender identity. I’m not happy anymore I feel like I can’t enjoy my alone time anymore or my hobbies. But before this Tocd I’d it is that I was so happy and started feeling good but I can’t help but think that there was something off? Idk I thought it was just cause I was happy and healing from my ocd I felt connected and it was a new feeling I guess I don’t know when I have these thoughts I get sick to my stomach but it’s very faint and something I know is there but feel like it’s not strong enough to make me feel any better I guess

Username: khm khm

Date posted: 2y ago

@khm Sorry this is all so long I’m trying to be as transparent as possible because so many things have just been making me double guess everything

Username: khm khm

Date posted: 2y ago

ok writing it out and just getting it out helps so much like I’m feeling better now lol but would still like to know if anyone possible at all feels the same or understands what I mean

Username: khm khm

Date posted: 2y ago

I’ve dealt with harm ocd as well but Tocd has been something so unbelievably confusing to me. I love my feminity and I’ve grown to further embrace it and feel very confident and happy within my feminity and so not feeling as though I’m a woman anymore has been so challenging and so convincing that I must be transgender or something it’s just been the worst because I never feel like myself anymore and I’m always too scared to do things that I enjoy that are more feminine things like makeup or wearing a dress because I’m scared I’m being like hyper feminine and like hiding that I’m transgender or something. When I talk about it I usually feel better and can understand that I’m not but sometimes it just gets sooo overwhelmingly confusing and stressful And you’re completely right however I just never felt that was who I was and having those moments in my life where I felt like I still needed to find myself or something wasn’t something I felt like was due to being the wrong gender if that makes sense. I had never felt like I wanted to change myself or my body or my voice or name even I’ve always loved those aspects of myself and grew to love them more through time and now I just don’t feel like myself at all anymore

Username: nicolep123

Date posted: 5y ago

my ocd has been really convincing lately. it’s convincing me that i’m just questioning my sexuality and that i’m bi and just don’t know it yet. i can’t help but think “what if these thoughts and feelings are real” i’m so lost i just feel like all of this has changed who i was. the worst part is that i barely have a reaction to these thoughts so it’s hard for me to tell if it’s ocd or not. how do i know if it’s ocd or i’m just questioning my sexuality??

Username: Clementine

Date posted: 3y ago

Please someone help me. I feel like I’m in denial. I feel like I don’t have ocd. It’s too real. The intrusive thoughts aren’t as frequent, I don’t have anxiety or do compulsions. I’m not even against the thoughts anymore. I can’t explain how real it feels. It can’t be ocd and the thing is I just don’t want to like girls. That’s it. I just don’t want to. But that sounds like I’m resisting my sexuality and it feels like this too. I’m sorry to everyone on this app but I don’t think I’m like u anymore. If things like internalised homophobia and comphet didn’t exist then I’d know I was straight but they do so now I think I’m just that. I don’t want to marry a girl or have sex with one or anything. I want to be straight and just fucking live my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I haven’t had a crush on a boy for years even though my ‘ocd’ started in the summer. I’ve had loads of male celebrity crushes that I’ve felt like I’ve loved and I don’t understand how those could’ve been fake but they must have been. Compulsions don’t comfort me I just watch tv to distract myself and that’s it. I can’t do this shit anymore. I don’t want to like girls but I have to be either bi or lesbian. Please I just want to be straight I don’t get it.

Username: Brave through

Date posted: 3y ago

If the uncertainty leads me to accept the thing i am running away from how was that not true and if the uncertainty the may be or maybe not in the future gets me to do something i might be in denial of what then?!? This is a possibility and a big one cause if i would have been so sure if myself why would i even question in the first place…And with uncertainty how do i know anything for sure and people who don't know will say they are gender queer so how am i not that.….. ¡ have stopped feeling the anxiety and all these feel real and I don't even react to it cause i am tired and numb to them its like I don't know who i am anymore and everyone with soocd constantly says they know they are straight or whatever and i used to earlier and now I don't why dont i?! Why do i feel like thats a lie or could be a lie and my brain has confused my emotions and feelings to the point where nothing feels real anymore and i feel like an imposter and someone who doesn't know who she is and is suffering…… is this ocd doing this or my thoughts being real just me not realising? Is this ocd i am constantly trying to figure out if the thoughts are real or not and then i say if its real i type all this because i am scared and fear and in denial like where does this end?!

Sexual Orientation OCD

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having a hard time

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