Logic and Difficulty

@Liviej Same! But I'm getting much better. I stop myself the moment i catch myself ruminating(since for me rumination is a compulsion). Even though this used to cause me severe anxiety, now it no longer does as much and I've significantly reduce the time i spent doing that. Rumination compulsions are certainly not easy to beat, since they're mostly mental, but it's highly possible! So good luck!

@LydiaK Reduced*

@LydiaK Lydia, thanks for the input, seriously. I struggle with the same as both of you two. Leaving it alone makes it louder but engaging too much is also the cause of increased volume… so yeah, gotta find that middle ground.

@LydiaK But still… it just sucks, it’s hard to completely enjoy things because of it as it is always lingering. My OCD doesn’t affect my work life and responsibilities, rather the emotional aspects. Especially in times of solitude, when I’m least distracted, I find myself falling over and over again :l having to deal with disturbing thoughts and the fictional yet real feeling scenarios that come with it. I’m currently at work now, and I really do wanna simply cry lol.

@AnonymousSpartan I get you, i was the exact same way. It takes a while to recover, and the therapy takes quite a while to show its "abilities". Never leave rumination "alone", cut it off wherever you can instead. Rumination is a compulsion, a faulty attempt of the mind to problem solve. Cutting it off the moment it starts will make it reappear minutes(or seconds) after you do it for the first months, since it's a process that requires patience(but it will actually little by little reduce it). It'll also make you feel as if you're getting worse, when in all truth you're not, because you're just not satisfying and validating the doubts and fears ocd gives you. The awful feelings that come from stoping yourself from ruminating, are a trick caused by ocd. Sadly, going through intense anxiety is part of the therapy. It's rumination is that is the compulsion. Attempting to stop it, is not the same thing as attempting to stop intrusive thoughts, which is basically a compulsion. So fear not, and stop yourself the moment you start to ruminate and repeat. You probably already understand this, but let me repeat it just in case: stopping yourself from thinking intrusive thoughts is a compulsion, stopping yourself when you ruminate is not. It's completely safe. Good luck!

@AnonymousSpartan Yeah, simply the idea that ocd could flare up at any moment can make people feel restrained... I struggled a lot with that for a while, my mind was in constant overdrive, the fear felt isolating until i realized that i was literally the one making myself feel like sh*t all because i was expectant of something bad happening, before... it even happens lol While i haven't completely stopped myself from thinking like that (not how mental illness works) I've learned how to control this feeling, how to not constantly give it the reigns of my life. I've learned how to deal with flare ups and bad situations only when it's their time to do so, without preparing beforehand for future bad senarios. Sure, i may never be able to be completely "zen" like some people, but i certainly now can enjoy some small moments of peace. May you reach that point too.

@LydiaK You know, when I’m having those moments of logic being the driver. I have your outlook too, I completely accept my burning mind for what it is. Falling back into that state makes me extremely vulnerable once again though, wishing it didn’t have to be that way despite it being that way almost my whole life… it really is a matter of knowing less being better. But we need to know how scary the world truly is through those intrusive thoughts at the same time… It’s like a curse but a messed up blessing too, a never ending paradox of duality. I can’t stress the gratitude of your time enough, maybe you have that same bug in you, the one that helps yourself when you help others. I can’t believe living in the nightmare mentally can feel as gut wrenching as that nightmare our minds illogically conceive coming true… it’s just something else.

@LydiaK I gave you a follow by the way, I look forward to perhaps returning the helping favor by means of reply or reading your insightful words, being that you’re ahead of me in this game. c: thank you

@AnonymousSpartan Yeah, it is indeed hard to see things how they really are when under the effect of this dreadful mental illness. To be completely honest it was desperation that lead me to where i am now, "insight" wasn't something i was capable of when it came to the intrusive thoughts infuencing me, it was something i only earned after putting myself through hell, because i didn't want to keep on suffering without gaining something from it. In fact, accepting the thoughts seemed utterly barbaric to me, but as i said, i was desperate, enough to give away my sense of safety and self. Ocd has no right to take away from us any form of knowledge just because it evolves and attaches itself to it. That's how it wins, that's how it limits people. Ocd can grow tall but we have to grow taller, not take 15 steps back as it keeps coming closer. Even if we knew less, it would still attach itself to what we know best, even if it's something small and insignificant. Also, while i agree that reality can be worse than the possibility of a certain one we create in our mind, we can still reach a point where the possibility becomes as painful as it actually being true. That's when insight is a luxury. Sometimes the brain can completely cover your eyes in a vail, and that becomes the only thing you're able to see. In such a situation, what's the point of comparing them(reality and ocd delusion) when you can't recognize which is which?Ocd becomes your reality. That's why we should never let it win, even if we feel hopeless under its influence.

@AnonymousSpartan Glad i helped! You were helpful to me too, i enjoy conversing with people that are in a similar situation with me. I wish you the best on your recovery journey.

@AnonymousSpartan That sounds so familiar, when least distracted it jumps on and starts kicking your butt.

@LydiaK I like the name, makes me think of the Andy Griffith Show.

@LydiaK Yeah it’s that hopeful fighting spirit that pulls me through. As corny sounding as it may be at times, it really is a never ending battle that we cannot surrender to. I was desperate falling here too to be honest, I was always skeptical and fearful of the legitimacy of therapists due to my trauma I’ve faced in the past, it was that do or die mentality that finally brought me here to suffer with a purpose behind it. Just like you said. You’re on the money though, it’s a shame but there’s no point in feeling bad because this is just reality for us now.

@AnonymousSpartan I'm glad to hear that. We are after all as deserving as everyone else when it comes to having a purpose in life. Acceptance of the situation as it is, is truly what leads to healing.

@Rico1435 XD

@LydiaK Truly. By the way, what anime is that in your picture?

@AnonymousSpartan Oh it's not an anime! It's from a novel and webtoon. It's called "omniscient reader's viewpoint", highly recommend. The plot is amazing.

@LydiaK Duly noted, webtoons defo go overlooked and therefore can be highly underrated.

@AnonymousSpartan They're starting to gain popularity though! I like the fact that most are in color in comparison to manga, and most are from Korean writers so you can notice a difference in "culture" in comparison to Japanese manga.

@LydiaK :p

@LydiaK Lots of stuff having to do with the brain eh? Admirably respectable :p Any fear is excessive, it’s why we fear them to begin with. If it weren’t excessive then what would we have to fear, right? I am willing to be that you’re a tough cookie that won’t crumble! May the system be roasted, but our programming stay focused lol. I dunno I was trying to be deep. Me? I’m in a point where I’m saving some cash before I start school. I’m going into Game Design within an art school, I’m the opposite of you that once I set my mind to something, I’ll finish and commit to it when it comes to life n’ junk and think of the repercussions later. But I’m excited because I love art, I was always skeptical of what path I should choose, especially with the stigma of art students barely getting by if even. But, I am determined and just know I’ll make it. My only concern is my mental health of course and those cursed OCD driven ‘what if’ scenarios that haunt me on a daily basis. But when it comes to people or things that I love, (or having to make money :p), I’ll always find it in me to shove it down my stomach and puff my chest up and out.

@AnonymousSpartan Oh that's a great mentality to have! I strive to also keep up and maintain my interest in the major i chose! That's why i constantly learn and research about different things involving psychology so that my executive functions won't fail me and i remain interested. It's almost like my brain simply cannot function when i do something that is repetitive (something which is ironic, considering i have ocd, but i guess that's different lol), i just end up losing focus and "blank" out. Your major sounds really interesting, I'm sure that you will succeed since you love it! Ocd is merely there to give some spice to your adventure, it holds no true power over you :D It's great that you remained unaffected by what people say over your major, you can become successful with anything as long as it's something you're willing to give your everything to. For me it was relatives and even friends that told me I'll never find a job as psychologist because it's a job hunted by many and that I'll never become successful in my country e.t.c I won't say that it didn't affect me a tiny bit but still i wasn't willing to give up when i had finally found what i truly love, so i did what i wanted anyway lol I also enjoy art, although it is just a hobby(and i'm not an amazing artist or anything either XD), creative writing too! I've been a bookworm ever since i was small so one day i decided to try writing myself too, although of course i couldn't stay commited to one story and ended up creating a lot of half finished ones lol Sometimes, when i get depressed about how i see a situation, moments come when I'm able to shift the tunnel vision and push on. It keeps me going and it's truly a breath of fresh air when that happens. Random, in comparison to the above, but i believe you get what i mean (and you were the one trying hard to be deep? XD)

@LydiaK It’s the only mentality to have yknow? The only way I can keep going. I really like to way you put that, “executive functions.” :p But yes I get whatcha mean. I’m sure that I’ll succeed externally, only problem I have is succeeding internally lol. I like how you call it spice, it must be like the only dish my brain eats is not the entirety of curry but rather just the tongue obliterating sauce lmao! I’m sure you have a lot of downsizing going on from those you love, trust me I completely understand. I know my family loves me immensely and we’d take a bullet for each other without hesitation but man, when they’re stressed, I hear the worst things being said regarding me. I’m no saint either, but we’ve all been through some type of hell in the family. The situation doesn’t help my OCD but no family is perfect, I love them for who they are and honestly it’s a notable paradox because perhaps my family has to do with a lot of my self esteem issues internally but they also have to do with a lot if not all of my confidence in the external realm! We all face hardships, we all got problems, but when it comes to love… we will always go forward. I’m glad you found what you love and I’m glad you’re fighting for what you love too. Keep up da loooove, and surely you’ll be sitting in your office all snug as a great opposite of their doubts and your own doubts too! Well damn, let’s make a webtoon someday lmao. Leave it half finished and start the next n’ just call it a style! Heehee’s aside, that’s honestly dope though, never lose that hobby! I feel ya, I definitely feel ya. I call it ‘autopilot mode’ but same concept, we just continuously go without focusing our thoughts on the roadblocks. (We’re both down very deep anyways, 64+ replies deep :p)

@LydiaK Hah, it would seem as if you’re quiet who’s becoming more louder, and I used to be loud who’s definitely become significantly more quieter. Ain’t that fun lol. I hope it indeed ends up that way too c: ‘Zombie mode’ is also good too! Yeah you do bring me peace too, talking to someone who just gets it. Not for reassurance, not for anything, just talking about it and the lives we live in parallel to it. OCD was something that’s been with me since I was in grade school but I didn’t know what it was and was too naive, to begin with, in the realm of mental health from my upbringing. It didn’t begin to try and kill me until I was my most depressed and nerve ridden in the beginning of college as I started having intrusive thoughts that I really didn’t like… mainly while pleasuring myself. Then I realized something was really really wrong, I quickly knew by myself and without therapy that these thoughts weren’t me but I was still haunted by OCD simply working it’s magic. Haunted me for a year, didn’t open up about it until I literally couldn’t hold it anymore, it was legit gonna kill me. Therapy helped me realize a lot about how the inner machinations of my thoughts work. Traumas I faced in grade school (long story) has rewired my brain to be under immense pressure at anything having to do with people thinking I’m something I’m not. Mix in intrusive thoughts, and ya got a fun time. Like, do you also have this period of time where you’re completely logical and can tell yourself you’re fine only to slip it all down the stairs about 10 minutes later? But as for your case, literally same here! Same same here, it is almost as if I thought mental health as a whole was a myth for the longest time. I stand by and completely understand you when you speak of comprehension for matters worsening as time went on.

@LydiaK Is there any way I could get a PM with you, maybe discord or something? If you’re cool here mainly then so am I, but I do really have a nice time talking to you about all this and even cats in video games lol, I want you to really know that to its fullest extent c:

@AnonymousSpartan Oh God, i honestly feel you. Images used to appear while pleasuring myself for me too, since my past theme was especially- abhorrent. I no longer have that problem though anymore, it's not as if images no longer appear at all (while doing that), it's just that I'm now able to ignore them. They did of course find another way to torture me, hence my current theme :') I also had awful experiences during grade school (middle school and a bit during highschool too), mainly involving bullying for me though. It was only later in life that i found true friends. Also, yeah! I definitely have moments of logic taking over, it almost feels like getting out of the bubble and breathing fresh air only to get pushed back inside, keeping company to your own irrationality once again. It's really weird, as if my brain forgets my seconds ago logic self lol Honestly, for me, except from the obvious suffering, at least from having ocd i learned a precious lesson: That you can NEVER 100% truly know what someone goes through unless you experience it yourself.

@AnonymousSpartan I just made an account lol, the username's LydiaK, you'll see a cat on my profile XD

@LydiaK Whoops, accidental delete. I sent you my ID in a previous message. This is it: LydiaK#2041

@LydiaK If not one thing then the next, right? Could you say that you were desensitized and therefore unbothered to intrusive thoughts, deeming them “normal?” Like for example I realized growing up I had many harming intrusive thoughts invade me but I wasn’t phased n just thought it was “normal,” from all the M rated games I played growing up and way way too early of exposure to the internet. It’s only the sexual themes that destroyed me. Also as for school stuff, I was abused in school by teachers forced to pin me as a special ed student when I was just an stubborn and angsty kid with anger issues following my parents’ divorce especially. Dragged my ankles, held down, put into storage closets and locked in them. Took a while for my parents to find out n take action as I kept it to myself. Worst part was, it was the recession of 2009 so legally all that my mom could afford was to get me out of there and get rid of my old school records. Took me a while to adjust to the new school, scared the same would happen and I had that “oh my god people see me making a mistake, it’s over” mode constantly about me. I guess that fear stuck somehow, I used to joke all about it n thought “well damn this was fucked but at least I’m not PTSD’ed or bothered by it now that I’m older.” Well a piece of it surely manifested somehow. Exactly though, you find your true friends and you stick to em. They don’t have to be that emotionally invested, simply being there as a consistency for support of any variety or form is more than enough. Like my boys, playing video games online is our greatest bond and scapegoat for problems. You’re tough though, you made it through the storm, perhaps it took a few mental HP off you BUT you made it and I’m glad you did. c: That bubble metaphor is probably the best way to explain it… it sucks, I find myself being my most illogical when alone which makes sense.

@LydiaK You’re right too, about that last part. If there’s any big takeaway, it’s the fact that we come out to be more understanding to person next to us. Even if the world decides to become our enemy, we’ll try fighting by hugging lmao.

@LydiaK Okay! Yus, you’ll see a swole Eggman as mine lmao

@LydiaK Eggman from Sonic, that is 😂

@AnonymousSpartan Nope, i still don't deem the content of them "normal" but i start to accept the fact that "they appear" as normal, because i know that the brain basically collects information and views it, it doesn't matter if i agree with it or not. My environment is to blame, not me because my actions and character have nothing to do with those thoughts. Wow, well i can relate with the harming intrusive thoughts passing them as if they're nothing due to games and early internet exposure when younger, it is only now that they started bothering me. Sexual themes too, especially things that have to do with rape e.t.c I was also exposed to porn really young, so that kinda messed up my view on sexuality. It's only now, during these months that it's not as bad due to practicing erp and literally accepting everything as it is. I used to literally feel my brain burning, my throat would close up, i was unable to breath easily. I'm honestly sorry you went through that, apparently we both have experienced the "wrath" of certain types of people. As a child i also had extreme outbursts of anger and i was really impulsive, i was isolated by people and even pushed my family away.I didn't speak up either, actually they only learned about the fact that i was bullied for years once i turned 19. There were moments when i was made fun of by some of my relatives too (not my parents). The bullying at school was bad enough to make me not want to go there. During middle school there was a boy that stayed back with me and blocked the door to my class so that i was unable to retrieve my things. We stayed there for hours as he kept pushing me back. There was an adult that pretended to help but in the end they left me with that boy without really doing anything. I don't even want to talk about the hell i went through during school trips. Two teachers started bullying me during highschool too, but i was able to handle it better since i was older in age. I basically grew believing my self worth was bellow zero but psychology truly saved me, because i managed to understand what lead me to believe that and slowly i pushed myself out of this hole little by little. I still have plenty of trust issues though. As for my parents, i sure wish they had divorced, because the constant threat of it and the "loud" conversations they had right in front of me was definitely worse for my mental health. I even listened to things i shouldn't have when i was really young. I still can't hate them for that though, because i love them. You're quite tough too, because you're still here, fighting for your best life. It's not easy to do that when plagued by mental illness. We're all strong in our own special way here 💪

@LydiaK Wait hang on, imma respond to this on discord.

Nah, not really. The story has no romance.

It's a story more focused on its complex plot. The characters all have a really deep backstory .

@LydiaK Oh okay. Za book est marked lol

@AnonymousSpartan Great lol you're not gonna regret it XD The book is great too, but it has fan translation only sadly

@LydiaK I see. Hey, do you play any games?

@AnonymousSpartan I do play some, like pokemon unite, animal crossing, dead by daylight e.t.c I mainly use a Nintendo switch

@AnonymousSpartan I also enjoy rpgs and anything pokemon lol Although, I'm not as knowledgable as people that have been following pokemon from their first release.

@LydiaK Nothing wrong with being late to the ball so long as you show up to dance! :p I respect it tho, have you ever played Kingdom Hearts?

@LydiaK Something tells me you’d really enjoy it. I fuckin looooove it lol

@AnonymousSpartan True that XD Yeah! I've played some of the old titles, like birth by sleep on psp and Dream drop distance on 3ds. They were both great, with nice storylines (i also happen to love disney like most lol) I wish i could play kingdom hearts 3 but the Cloud version sucks on Nintendo switch.

@LydiaK Yeah I’m more of an Xbox and pc guy myself and I was so pissed seeing cloud versions drop and completely destroy the whole experience for all newcomers coming into the series. I dunno how deeply connected you are to the Final Fantasy side of the crossover but I just know you’d love the third game too. It’s way more Disney than FF which split many fans lol.

@LydiaK I actually just recently finished Birth By Sleep for the first time via the remaster collection with 1.5 + 2.5 Final Mixes

@AnonymousSpartan Darn it, on top of it being cloud version, my internet also sucks so it could never work for me :') I may include another console in my future purchases so i guess I'll get to try it then. It's just that I'm more of a handheld lover. They were honestly lazy with this Kingdom hearts port, but square enix just doesn't care. There are literally no excuses, considering they successfully ported a game like The witcher 3 lol Have you ever played any monster hunter game?

@LydiaK Exactly! SEGA does the same scummy type of practices and it pisses me off being a Sonic fan too lol. Also the closest I’ve ever gotten to Monster Hunter was the boss in Smash bros when I used to own a Switch, I sold it like a dummy cuz I went through a “I’m done with video games” sort of phase lol. But is it good?

@AnonymousSpartan Not gonna lie, the endings of birth by sleep gave me anxiety, especially with what happened to Aqua. I also wish i could replay this game, but my psp is dead and the switch version is a cloud one in this one too.

@AnonymousSpartan At the start it's quite boring, i had to drop it a lot. Took me a while to get into it, but once i did i became obsessed. I was never interested in any of the older versions, I've only played monster hunter rise. There's something about it that just makes it addictive, and I'm usually not interested in repetitive games lol

@LydiaK I don’t blame you in the slightest lol. That whole game’s story is happy fun Disney time to horribly fated tragic ending in a split moment. Damn you Cloud Strife.

@LydiaK All I know is that there’s a cat chef and monsters to slay… I can see the appeal from miles away 😂

@AnonymousSpartan Well duh! Truly all its selling point relies on the fact that you can have cat familiars. And now even dogs, what more could anyone ask for? XD (and now i got reminded of another game I can't play yet: "Stray" :'))

@LydiaK 5 stars simply for being a game where you can walk around as a cat :p It just… makes sense. But if I could somehow lend you my PC and Xbox via teleportation, it would allow you to play both KH and Stray as desired lol

@AnonymousSpartan Alas, impossible

@LydiaK It would ofc require you to lend me your switch as a means of trade for I need to experience chef cat 😎

@AnonymousSpartan Lol agreed, not to mention the world is post apocalyptic and the cat is basically a badass character that survives! I guess a villain like Kurogiri from my hero academia would be quite useful in our case(he can teleport). Sadly though, I'll have to settle to more simple means to achieve my goal XD

@AnonymousSpartan Oh but you're not only allowed to have a chef cat, but even a housekeeper cat, an informant, basically everything is cat in this game XD

@LydiaK That’s just excellent lol… Also: Okay how behind am I? I left off on Deku being convinced back into UA upon him going solo in that huge arc. Legit the only manga I’ve read very extensively, I’m not the biggest reader unless I get absolutely hooked on a story and MHA was among one of the few that achieved that for me.

@LydiaK Where a game lacks charm, add cat, instant selling point lol.

@AnonymousSpartan I'm afraid I've only watched the anime, so I'm the one behind lol I believe the anime ends at around 150 something chapter and what you mention, probably happens way later. I may read the manga too though, once i finish everything else on my list XD.

@AnonymousSpartan True, and I can't even complain about that, because I'm one of those consumers that get convinced enough with this technic XD

@LydiaK OMG IM TERRIBLY SORRY I JUST SPOILED A DETAIL FOR YOU 😣 Well luckily you don’t h o w and the details which… really make the whole thing come awesomely together most but still I really really apologize. Ha, I took an ELONGATED break from all things anime, but I did find one show after months of not watching anything which peaked my interest. What’s one that’s got you hooked?

@LydiaK -presents virtual feline- “Bitch… you speak my kinda language.” 💰 lmao

@AnonymousSpartan No worries, you didn't know XD Currently i haven't been watching that much anime either to be honest, I've been reading though another webtoon called "Solo leveling". For some reason, I've become obsessed with anything rpg, and I've literally explored anything with its theme (including solo leveling, omniscient reader's viewpoint and others). Once i get bored of this theme though, I'll probably start with another😂

@AnonymousSpartan XD

@LydiaK Hey! I’m back lmao, I engaged with this post that clouded my notifications with a BUNCH of people messaging the same thread and I wondered “What happened to that lil conversation I was havin?” Welp, at last lol. It’s funny you say that, I’ve been watching this anime after a long hiatus of not watching anything anime related called “Skeleton in another world” where the main protagonist is a gamer that gets sent into his game one day after falling asleep. It’s pretty dope. How’ve you been Lydia? c:

@AnonymousSpartan Hello again!lol Oh, the plot you describe reminds me of the anime "overlord". I think I'm going to check this out XD I'm feeling more than great, i finally gathered the money to purchase "pokemon shining pearl" and I've been playing non top since yesterday lol Hopefully, this peace will last for a while (even if it doesn't, i know what to do 💪) How are you? Did the days pass peacefully for you?

@LydiaK Damn I haven’t watched enough anime, that’s for certain lol. Workin at a part time job? Or just hustling up some side gigs you can scrap? Either way, nice goin! I wish you nothing but peace and master bawls 😂 I’ve been just existing, anxiety spiking every so often. Nothing new but I’ll take ol’ familiar over something worse, right?

@AnonymousSpartan The second lol My savings weren't enough, so it was basically a gift from my sis since she found a new job. I'm planning on getting her something too once i start working. Yeah, definitely better having to fight a familiar enemy. I believe not getting worse is also a win in its own way. I know my anxiety will also get bad once my uni starts again, so hopefully I'll manage to keep it on the default settings XD

@LydiaK Lmao where in de’hell is the button commencing restoration to factory defaults?? :p I feel ya though, you’re a psych student I saw so how’s all that rollin’ toward this new semester?