Annoying relapses, self destructive behavior, POCD

18+ So I keep relapsing to my addiction that is p*** and recently when I have been doing that in the mixture of things I've come across things that are very horrible and way out of my morals. It happened tonight and I actually ended up being genuinely disgusted by the results. I'm more upset that my search had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the post of that result and I just got mad, clicked off, and tried to find other things that were "rewarding" for my dopamine. I say rewarding in quotations because it isn't rewarding at all, yet I have trouble stopping this altogether. There are days where I could be doing just fine and there are other days where I spiral just like this and end up in a rabbit hole of.. this. What I'm trying to do now is use self compassion and taking it easy rather than beat myself up over this really shitty coincidence that happened and the fact that I still struggle with this after many years. I have a lot of good things going my way and this isn't one of them, yet it's so hard to remove it from my life. At the end of it all, it was really really really not worth it. I guess much like my thoughts, my dopamine is sending off false signals that aren't satisfying me. They say that these intrusive thoughts and OCD brain-like thinking are danger alarms that are sounding off for no reason. Maybe it's the same thing for my dopamine receptors because at this point, I don't feel any joy from this compulsive behavior. Most of the time it feels like I have to do it rather than wanting to do it. I don't want it at all. I have a lot of mental healing to do here.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

In the back of my mind I was even hoping not to see illustrations of character I really don't want to see or character that looked suspicious in terms of aging. Yet that bullshit still happens. I wanted to report it, but I just couldn't bear seeing that shit for a second time. It's really disgusting. I need to stop searching for this fake dopamine that brings me nothing at all in life and go look for things that actually do something for me. But, I think before I even get to that, I have to just follow mindfulness, ERP, and brain rewiring. Sorry if this bothers anyone, I just had to get it out there somehow.

InkJoy123

Date posted: 3y

Having an addiction like that is hard and you shouldn't feel bad about it. It takes time to recover from something like that. I reallt suggest using the app BrainBuddy to help you :)

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

I have used BrainBuddy in the past though it requires a subscription. One time I bypassed the subscription without actually paying and that made my OCD activate funny enough. I've been struggling with this for many years, since I was only a teenager honestly, so I'm trying to use self compassion and careful judgment about it. Thanks for your support, honestly. I'm trying to read up on books and do other things to try and change the flow of my mind.

InkJoy123

Date posted: 3y

@BigGip09 aww damn so sorry to hear that :( one site that did help me was "yourbrainonporn" you've most likely have read that but that did help me a lot as well :) if you have any urges again to m-word though and need someone to help you stop, comment on this thread ! I usually say this to my brainbuddy group. I may not get to you immediately but just know I'll answer !

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

@InkJoy123 I have went on that website and I follow an anti porn page on Instagram. I read a lot of articles from them. I didn't know you struggled with the addiction too, sorry about that :(

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

@InkJoy123 I know I just mentioned Instagram but that's also the same place that carries a lot of unhelpful, and sometimes grey area like stuff on there. It sucks

InkJoy123

Date posted: 3y

@BigGip09 I dont call mine an addiction just because I didn't struggle in a way, mines more of a bad habit I just grew up with it with no guidance and no "moral compass" you can say. Its just something I continued to grow into and continued and continued and continued which lead me to escalate and escalate and escalate. And now its a real event for me hahahaha. I know I can't fault myself though because of my environment and how porn is literally wired to do something like that. You just want more and more and more, struggle, no struggle, it all just sucks in general. Obviously I regret all I've done and I fucking WISH I was never introduced to it at 12/13 but I just continued for hours and hours and hours every day as a teen and up until now. It sucks really :( And now those images are in my mind, but again I can't fault myself cause f*** porn. Its so bad. I hope so many of these videos can be wiped away and I hope people younger than us can be taught whats right and wrong with watching. And there is a safer way to view/ safer videos created. It sucks.

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y

Hey BigGip, I don’t know if you remember me, but we’ve talked on here before, it’s been a while, I’m going through a relapse as well if you need someone to talk to

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

Yeah, I do remember you. Hello. I hope you're not feeling too messed up about relapses. I'm trying to take it easy and make changes but this stuff is really hard. Old worries are coming up as well but I'm just trying to relax.

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 23w

dealing with OCD flashbacks 18+

i currently am getting over my period and have been having a horrible flashbacks from some real events. it’s a amalgamation of all of the horrible things i did as a child/young teenager. all of it associated with p0rnography + sexual activities i did. i was exposed to sexual activity very young and it lead me down a dark path. i’ve had OCD forever it seems. it’s hard because i can see that i’ve had OCD symptoms since childhood but i constantly doubt wether or not my actions where because of OCD or something i genuinely wanted/was attracted to. i can’t seem to differentiate the two and it’s scaring me. i’m worried i was genuinely into the kind of stuff and it’s constantly flashing in my mind the last two days of things i compulsively did years ago. to be absolutely clear it has been years since i’ve even thought about those taboo things or saw anything of that sort. i’m talking 5 or 6 years give or take. it still feels like yesterday. in recent years i’ve completely pulled away from p0rn and now find it and s3x a lot less appealing. but every so often i get these intense flashbacks on things i did or saw or thought and it puts everything on hold. everything im interested in gets but on the back burner in fear of my intrusive thoughts being thrown into the mix. currently experiencing that now. im mortified of ruining everything i love because of these stupid thoughts. does anyone have any advice or experience with this specifically and have any tips???

Canofbeans

Date posted: 22w

Adult content and OCD (18+)

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

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Annoying relapses, self destructive behavior, POCD

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