It feels impossible

TLDR my long distance partner broke my trust a year and a half ago, hasn’t built it back, the trust building things have become compulsions for me and my partner tells me all of it is not based in any reality and is now continuing to break my trust even more because of being burnt out from my rOCD compulsions related to that lack of trust. My long distance partner (they/them) has poor boundaries with women and over the past 2+ years consistently prioritizes connections with them over my comfort. They never flirt but they spend time with and become emotionally close with women who are clearly interested and will talk with women online who flirt with them (they don’t flirt back they just engage them in conversation). But because nothing is ever sexually explicit they’ve always gaslit me about this and told me there’s no flirting going on on the women’s end (there definitely is I’ve checked with other people who confirm it’s definitely flirtatious). They’re very into attention generally and have a pretty big following on tiktok and are in a locally very popular band and go to a lot of shows and it all makes me very uncomfortable. This started in late 2023 when we had a big rupture of trust related to them spending time with a specific woman. At that time I told them you can help me rebuild this trust by giving me information and reassurance when you’re out or with people. They struggled a lot to remember to do this (they have several mental health disorders that affect cognition and memory but this stuff is really simple I never ask for anything elaborate just a few sentences). To this day a year and a half later they still haven’t really started doing it (but they tell me that they have (they haven’t) and that I just choose not to trust them) but the struggle of me trying to get them to give me this information and reassurance has very intensely snowballed from a trust building thing into a massive rOCD compulsion and my entire life has been completely turned upside-down to where I’m constantly ruminating about what they’re doing and who they’re talking to. This has understandably affected them too because it’s difficult being constantly hounded about what they’re doing, to the point for them where they’ve now started no longer asking if I’m ok with them spending time in person with certain women they just do it- not only that but they’re now lying about it and hiding it from me (I find out because I’m good at being able to tell when somethings going on). They tell me that the entirety of this issue is just my rOCD, constantly, because they’re not cheating or having sex with these women so that makes it ok. I’m now in a constant state of panic, I can barely sleep and I can’t function. I don’t know what to do has anyone else experienced anything like this? I’m just at the start of exposures with my therapist but it’s really hard when the triggers are real things that are really happening and my partner makes me feel crazy for having the feelings I have about this. I also have to fight to have any sexually intimate time with them (all over the phone since we only meet up a few times a year) and I’m the main one who initiates the vast majority of the time. I feel completely unwanted and like not a priority and my therapist and I have identified that most of my compulsions are trying to prove to myself that I don’t deserve to be treated poorly, because if I let things go and accept being treated this way it means I deserve it. I’m just generally heartbroken and I don’t know what to do.

I am at the point where I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore and have a really hard time explaining my thoughts and feelings. The thought that no one may ever be able to help me or understand me is blazing constant in my head. I don’t know if I will truly ever be happy, the dissatisfaction I have in my life is beyond words and I try to be happy but my mind is so toxic and ungrateful. I feel that I may never understand myself. Have been dealing with extreme intrusive thoughts in regards to my relationship, if my partner is for me, if I am the reason problems come up in my relationship, if I am overly sensitive causing arguments etc. I will have constant thoughts about other people in my head although I have a partner. A hyperactive imagination of others if you will or specific individuals in my life. I have a severely low sex drive. I have also noticed recently that my partner will say things that I don’t like but can’t tell if he’s the problem or if i’m the problem. If I like my partner anymore or if I don’t, can I see him in my future or not. When I am with him I enjoy being with him but there is always a thought in the back of my head of do I just like being around him as a friend because I am lonely or if I truly love them. It’s to the point where I question leaving them or not. My only issue is that I don’t want to leave but at the same time I have trouble feeling emotionally and sexually connected. I even pick at physical imperfections that they may have which to my true beliefs does not matter I will love them otherwise. We recently have been arguing a lot and I can’t tell if I am the problem or he is but it causes me a lot of stress because I feel misunderstood and feel like he wouldn’t understand me unless he was me. It can be hard explaining OCD to him because he is one of those people who loves to self help almost like a life coach, explains to me that anxiety doesn’t exist and that I can help myself or stuff along those lines. It hurts so bad because he doesn’t understand how hard it is for someone with OCD and how him saying things like that only makes it worse and makes me want to turn away from him in a way. I want to feel like I can talk to my partner and that I know for a fact is my true belief. I pray that God will heal me of this terrible disease. I feel I have turned away from the Lord so much because of how alone and misunderstood I feel with what feels like no change. When I’m in public I’ll look at a guy and feel as though because they looked at me back they will think I like them or that I may be interested even though i’m not. I obsess in my head sometimes about real people I know that are kit my partner and have just learned to accept that but it’s still disheartening to me. I understand the concept of being with a partner and still finding other people attractive without obviously doing anything about it and I try to remind myself of that. Please someone tell me this is OCD because the thought of it not is sickening. Another thing I do is compare myself to other girls my age almost that if i’m not as pretty as them im not pretty at all. To whom ever reads this please be very mindful of how you respond because I am triggered very easily. But I am so so lost.

Hey guys, I’m reaching out in a pretty weak spot of desperation. I feel so insane and so sick of my mind recently, I’m completely drained from my mind. I’ve had such bad spikes of RCOD in my relationship of 1.5 years , which kills me because I truly want nothing more than to just be his peace and for us to work out. I love him more than anything and I would do anything for him. I feel like the pressure I placed on making sure I was “perfect” was so counter productive becuase instead I find myself doing everything wrong. I tell myself not to think of the wrong thing, then I think of the wrong thing, then I feel so guilty, and it plagues my mind for days. I feel so guilty it makes me feel detached and like I’m a bad girlfriend. I feel so bad for always burdening him with my anxieties and my “wrong thoughts” becuase he doesn’t deserve it, he’s so amazing. Recently, I began overthinking if I “love him” which I KNOW is so silly because when I’m calm, I laugh that I even got so worried , but when my anxiety creeps in, it feels so debilitating. I spiral and then try to prove to myself that I do love him , which then makes things in that moment feel “forced” because I’m acting out of intent to win the battle in my head. My RCOD has been a persistent issue, but this particular theme is pretty new and I hate it. I feel like I’ve been placing pressure on myself to overly appreciate him and it’s so counterproductive. I feel so bad because I told him about everything and he now thinks I don’t love him. Which is so wrong. I just want this to be fixed. Sometimes I feel like he’d be better off with a girl that isn’t such a headache and wouldn’t drain him all of the time but at the same time , I could never accept him being with anyone but me. Also, I have seen a psychoglist but it just didn’t feel right and I hated vocalising my thoughts because I felt it gave them more power - it feels like the only person I can truly be raw with about this stuff is my bestfriend. If anyone has any tips , PLEASE help me.